Month: January 2024

Tired and grumpy and cranky and and…

I have been up since fucking 2am. I woke up after a few hours sleep. It was all I was going to get. I tried to go to sleep around 3 but couldn’t let my brain rest. It kept going back and forth over what I was going to do and then I thought since I was up, I might as well stay the fuck up and do the things that I needed to do. I left the house around 0730 or so and had breakfast at Starbucks. I had a pistachio latte which was too sweet. I should have ordered my mocha. Anyways, after I finished drinking my drink, I left for the hospital. I got my blood work done. I was kind of tired as my legs just didn’t want to fucking move. But I pushed myself.

I went to UMB after the bloodwork. I saw that the building my class is in is right on the bus stop so I was glad. I then went inside and was told to go to a building across campus for my ID. It was a fucking hike. I thought the 2^nd floor would connect me back to the main building but it was closed for construction at the library point. When I left 15 years ago, there was no access from the ground floor to the library. The stairs were blocked off and they still were. I hope by the time the semester starts, they have it opened again. I asked the young kid if I needed a sticker for the library access and he had no clue what I was talking about. I guess I just show my ID.

I walked back to the main building and I was seriously struggling. I was out of breath and my legs hated me. My hamstrings were so tight. I could feel them pull on the back of my knees. I had to stop and rest several times and by the time I got to the main building, the bus left. I had to wait another 15 mins for the one. I sat outside as it was nice out. I took some pics of the water but it turned out just to be the skyline. I couldn’t really see as I was blinded by the sun/glare. It was a walk uphill to the station. I walked slow. I sat down in the waiting area for the train. I was really out of breath and wish I had brought my inhaler as I was wheezing. Train came like five minutes later and I snoozed for most of the ride.

I came home and tried to rest but I was restless. I kept going downstairs because I had to use the bathroom. I then went to the basement to get my ID thing from work that I had used. The bin it was in was against the wall, making it difficult to open the drawers. I managed to sneak out my ID. I took my work badge and café card and put it back in the drawer. I thought I had a UMB lanyard but I couldn’t see it. I will get one at the bookstore when classes start. I got one of my textbooks in the mail today. It was kind of heavy. I thought I ordered a paperback but got the hardcover. I just hope that the 4^th edition isn’t much different from the 3^rd.

I am tired and cranky. My sister wanted my cappuccino mix so I brought it down. We talked for a bit about the house. Our taxes went up like $9K/year. I don’t know what the insurance is and the water bill will be coming in soon. I am kind of freaking out because I have to pay more. The money I was hoping to save is going towards the house. Fucking sucks. I got my bill from UMB. There is a credit which I hope to use for a summer class. I don’t know if that history of psychology class is still only in the summer or what.

I want to take my meds but it is too early. I am restless from being overtired so I am cranky. My legs hurt and my foot is flared up from walking so much. I am glad I don’t have to do that every week. I just need to get some groceries tomorrow. I am out of half and half and that is a priority! I need my coffee. My labwork is good. I am not anemic so the reason for my fatigue is most likely depression and insomnia. I can stop taking the iron pills which I am glad. I think it has been causing my stomach to be upset. My diet hasn’t changed at all so I am just hoping it is the pill. I see my psychiatrist next week. I hope he get my message that I need him to refill my Effexor 75mg. For some reason the 150 mg got put in. I will straighten it out tomorrow, I hope. Stupid pharmacy didn’t put my insurance in so it’s like $122. I am not picking it up as I have a full bottle of 150mg. Stupid auto-refill.

Brain fog and therapy

I somehow managed to get up before 9. I took my meds and then called patient registration to update my insurance information. The guy I talked with must have asked me if I was male three fucking times. I just wanted to get off the phone. So far my information has been updated on the patient website. It probably will in a couple of days. I am going to get my blood done tomorrow and if I have the energy, go to UMB to get my ID.

I had therapy and it was a tense session as I was anxious for most of it. I had brain fog that I had to pay attention to what my therapist was saying because her voice was affected by a cold she got. We talked about my anxieties about things. I said I would list out the things I need to do before college starts. I have a somewhat routine that I do when I wake up. I just need to do this consistently. For the most part, I do except my wake up times are different each day.

My therapist and I talked about my mother and how much she “controlled” me. I am realizing now with her being gone just how much influence she had in my life. I know I emotionally cut her off from me but was more attached to her in other ways. I always had to check in with her. There were days where if I wasn’t up by a certain time, she would call me just to wake me up.

I tried taking a nap after therapy but all I did was rest for about an hour. I thought it would help the fog but it didn’t go anywhere. I still feel so cloudy. It has been hard to concentrate on things. I still haven’t worked on my ending for my book. I want to write at least another page or so. I keep getting distracted. I can’t seem to focus on stuff. I finished the John Grisham book the other night. I just kept on reading it until it was done. It sucked me in. Now I can read Neil Gaiman’s Fragile Things. I am thinking I will be done with my book by the end of this week and then I will look into publishers. I can always publish on Amazon whenever. I have to find a literary agent. I was hoping just to go to the publishers but they don’t speak to authors. Ugh. Not sure if this will cost me money or not. I am paying an editor either way, just for my peace of mind.

Since my hospitalization back in 2022, I have been wondering if I have ADHD. I did an online test and it was like no, you don’t have symptoms. That was slightly reassuring as I didn’t think I had it. Tomorrow I plan on getting my bloodwork done. I also need to stop at the library to pick up a book I requested. If I remember to get off at the stop before the station, I will pick it up before heading into town. If not, I will just pick it up after.