book has been published!!

Book has been published!

Book is now available in paperback and through this link

I wish I felt excited or cheerful but I feel like human garbage. I just feel so depressed. I want to cry so bad but the tears won’t come. I have been thinking of my mother most of the day. I woke up around 2 and thought about checking on her. I still think this and it has been more than a year. I went to Starbucks and the butcher shop today. I wanted burgers. I just went out and the whole time I was thinking I had to text my niece to see how my mother was. I feel so sad.

I thought about reaching out to my psychiatrist but why bother? He isn’t likely to do anything. I know I am just having a bad day. Wish it didn’t have to hurt so much. I also bought a pasta salad with some chicken to eat. I ate like half and was full. I will make the burger later.

I hate sitting with the feelings. It is very uncomfortable. I am glad I went out as it has been a few days since I left the house. I wanted to read but I knew I really couldn’t given my mental state. I started reading “Who’s Afraid of Gender”? and it is a good book but not for teens. I also been reading Moby Dick. I thought about starting Principles of Psychology but that is a book to be tackled while out I think. It is very dense and a huge book. It will take me most of the summer to read it.

I am tired and just want to fucking sleep. But it is too early. I hate when the depression makes me fatigued and makes me miserable. I am trying not to beat myself up over it but it is hard. I keep thinking of past mistakes. I know this doesn’t help things and doesn’t make me feel great. It is hard to stop though. I am trying to think of good things and I know today is just a bad day.

My case worker called me today thinking we were meeting tomorrow. I had to correct her that we were meeting Friday. This is the second time she thought we were meeting on a Thursday. I might take a cab to Boston as the trains are going to be fucked up. Or I might take the green line in. I don’t know. I will decide Friday which way to go. My cousin is supposed to take me food shopping tomorrow. I want to get some more turkey breast. I like eating it when I want something light and easy to fix. I have to cook the burgers and I hate cooking. But I know it will taste awesome once it is done. I love a good homemade burger. I just wish I had pickles. Maybe I will steal some from my sister…