just playing with fire

Just playing with fire

I was sure my kidneys weren’t doing good so I had my doctor check them. They are fine. I was wrong. How can I feel so fucking awful and tired and have kidney like pain and be fine?? I just don’t get it. I give up. It took me more than hour to reach the square on the way home because the red line was running shuttles. If I had known, I would have gone the other way home and skipped Starbucks. Or maybe gone to another location. I was pissed they didn’t stop at all the stops on the red line so I got a bus that just took me to the end of the line and then I had to head back. I was not fucking happy. We would be passing the Starbucks so I ordered something. I had the intention to read but I was so flustered and tired and hot that I said fuck it. I just had something to eat and my iced coffee and then went to the bus stop to wait for the bus home.

It’s supposed to be in the 90s all week. I have an appointment with my DMH worker Thursday. I am going to see if I can meet with her virtually. I feel like shit and this heat is driving me fucking mad. I just want to hug my AC all the time. I don’t care if I am freezing my ass off. My blood pressure is normal. I guess I am just having a bad day. I didn’t sleep good last night. I woke up with a sneeze and then had to pee and that was it. I was up. I didn’t go back to sleep till after 0600. I took my morning meds then. I still woke up around 10 after sleeping a few hours. I weighed myself and lost seven pounds without dieting. I haven’t been eating as much the past few days. I have been drinking a lot because it is so damn hot.

I came home and literally crashed. I got undressed and just laid down. My room was kind of hot because I had shut the AC off while I was out. I feel like I could sleep. There is no baseball until Friday. I hate the All Star break. So my days and nights are wicked free. I can read more. I am trying to finish Moby Dick. I am almost at 50%. I don’t know what page I am on as it is not giving me the option. I might read later if I calm down enough to read. I am just wicked upset that I am feeling so bad and nothing is wrong. Makes me think it is mental or something. I see the NP next week for this back pain I have been having. It is at the crack of dawn so I hope I can make it.

Today is not my fucking day. I just shit myself. I thought it was a fart and you know how the saying goes, never trust them. I am done for the day. Going to take an Ativan and cool off in my room. Later, readers…