suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
I don’t have one as i am usually never up in the morning. Though when I am up in the afternoon, I brushed my teeth and then have coffee. Might have something to eat with it. Depends if I am hungry or not or in the mood to make something, usually eggs.
I had a difficult time sleeping last night because of pain. I woke up like every two hours all night. I didn’t get up till around 1pm and I made something to eat and had my coffee. I was still hungry so I made some tater tots and then another cup of coffee. I went back to my room to do some school work but instead I took a long nap. I didn’t get up again till around 6.
I made something to eat and checked my messages on my phone. I had a text from my niece but responded too late. I was feeling really shitty and tired. I didn’t think I was going to be up. I thought I would eat and then go back to bed but I started reading some stuff for my networking class and I am still up. It was an interesting article about transitions. I enjoyed it as there are so many transitions you go through life in. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with this. I have to read the powerpoint thing again. I read the next thing and it was about the website LinkedIn. I have a LinkedIn acct I made years ago. I have no touched it since I made it. I guess I need to update it some.
I am still in pain with my leg. My calf is the worst. I also got a slight headache but I think that is because I am tired. I did a lot of walking yesterday. It wore me out. I am glad I have rest days.
I got an email from my advisor saying it was time to think about registration for the spring. I picked out my classes and unfortunately, this means I will be on campus four days a week. That is going to be rough on me. I think the class times are the same or close to it. I am taking my 400 level psych class and another history class with the same professor.
I have therapy tomorrow. I sent her one of the articles I was reading today as it was good. I am glad she is open to things I send her. The other day I was triggered by something in the news and I want to talk about it but I don’t. It is not something I like to talk about. I hate that the news brings up stuff all the time.
I woke up before 2am to pee and then I had a sneeze attack and couldn’t go back to sleep for the life of me. I tried. I had something to eat around 630 and I had a coffee. My bitch sister bitched about everything to me, telling me to take the trash and recycle out, clean the counters, etc. I just wanted to drink my coffee in peace. I went back to bed as I was getting a headache. The headache turned into a migraine and my class was in jeopardy. I really wanted to go to the museum. I slept for a bit but then I was so tired, I didn’t want to leave the house. My migraine was gone thanks to meds but I felt shitty. I got dressed and made my way to the bus stop as the bus would be there in like 10 mins. Thank god I already had my outfit picked out.
I got to the area where the museum was and got lost of course. I wasn’t familiar with the area but knew some landmarks. I saw the Hood bottle which is near where I should be. I started walking toward that. The ship was there so I was in the right direction. The museum was on a drawbridge in the middle of this street over water. No Boston skyline could be seen. I took a pic of the ship and other surrounding things. It was interesting. I wanted to sit but there was no place for me to sit. I ended up standing most of the 45 minute tour. My legs were killing me and so were my feet. Then I had to walk back to the train station. I walked with one of my classmates. He was from the south. I had bought an iced tea but it was unsweetened. He couldn’t understand it. I smiled. I understood how southerners liked their sweet tea.
I came home exhausted. I had to pick up my meds. While I was there I also picked up something to eat. I like this Stouffer’s chicken romano thing. It has pasta and a chicken patty. It is pretty good and filling. I didn’t make it right away when I was home. I was tired and had to rest. My legs were killing me so bad. I knew I was going to have to pee soon because I drank the tea and then filled the cup up with water then drank a cran-grape drink on the way home. I played with the puppy, who was receptive of my affection. Yesterday, she could care less. Her mommy was home and that was the difference.
I am wicked tired and I am hurting. I am not doing anything tomorrow except for the readings for my gender class and maybe my networking class. I am trying to go over the stuff I missed but I keep getting distracted. It is boring stuff but I got to get through it. I still have to force myself to get to campus on Mondays. This coming Monday is a holiday so I don’t have to go. This class flooding is so difficult and threw a wrench into my semester.
I woke up around 530 to pee and had a hard time getting back to sleep. Intook my meds. I thought about getting up around 7 but there was nothing I wanted to do today.
I eventually went back to sleep for a few hours but woke up with bad dreams. I got up and had a cup of coffee. I let Honey out. She did her business. Was cold today. I didn’t want to go out. I’ll be going out tomorrow for class. We are going to the Boston Tea Party Museum and I can’t wait. Professor said to be there by 1 as the tour starts at 115. I will be there early as I am not sure how long it will take me to walk to where it is. Directions say 7 mins but that is for abled bodied people. Might take me twice as long.
I still need to work on my homework. Just polish it up a bit. I will turn it in when I see my professor tomorrow.
I made tater tots and a PB&J for my lunch and dinner. I didn’t feel like cooking. I wanted to make some eggs but I couldn’t be bothered. I laid down with the puppy most of the afternoon until my niece came home and then she went to her dogbed. I’ve had a relaxing day.
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