Author: Midnight Demon

Body dysmorphia

Sox lost last night and I was upset about it. I couldn’t sleep until 2am despite taking a Benadryl and Ativan (at different times). My mind was awake. I didn’t know if I should read and what should I read that I would remember. I ended up just laying down to rest and somehow fell asleep within a half hour, 45 mins.

I woke up tired. I really didn’t want to get out of bed. But it was around noon and I had to because I had to pick up my meds and then I had therapy. I had coffee and half of a half sandwich that I bought yesterday. It was good. After session she sent me some sheets on activities that I could do to improve my mood. Nine pages. It’s a lot of different things. I decided to go to the pharmacy after 2 so I went upstairs and checked to see if I had homework for my networking class. I didn’t.

I went to the pharmacy and then my foot flared up when I got home. My ankle chimed in when I went to grab something. So throughout therapy I was in pain. I also had a sneeze attack. My allergies are off the rocker. I hate this time of year. Today was a pretty warm day. Tomorrow is going to be hotter. Then we go back to the 60s next week, with one day being in the 50s.

Honey was upset for most of the early evening. We fed her and then her parents left and she was sad again, wimpering and such. I went on the bed with her and her mom left some crime show on the TV for her. I decided to do one of my readings for the night so grabbed my book and then sat with her until she decided to lay in her dog bed instead of being near me.

The reading was about makeup and how women beautify their faces as well as what constitutes body dysmorphia disorder. Just reading about it, triggered me. I felt fat. I had made potatoes and chicken for supper but I just ate the potatoes. My stomach was full. I also had another cup of coffee so I could do this homework. Then one of my childhood friends posts that she lost 73 lbs in a year on the GLP1 drug. I was floored. I have only lost 20-25lbs in that same time period. I feel so fat right now. I took a shower and my back flared up. I needed to take one because it has been almost a week since my last one.

I am looking for another cell provider that is lower in cost per month than my current plan, especially as my current provider decided to increase charges.

Patient Zero

I have been listening to patient zero for the last half hour or so. It is stuck in my head. It is a cool song. I haven’t seen the music video of it yet. My stupid youtube search shows just the lyric video.

I woke up three times to pee during the early morning. I slept mostly through the night. I had weird fucking dreams. I kept dreaming I had a car and I had to correct the year it was made. The car was a Toyota Yaris. I have never owned a Yaris. I have owned a Tercel. I loved that car but it fell apart and I had to junk it.

Rookie just got pulled from the roster because of a worsening of his hand injury. Ugh. I know they are going to lose tonight. Sonny doesn’t have confidence in himself. Last night was a huge loss. Snakes starting pitcher had all his stuff and was blowing us away. By the time the 8^th inning hit, I think we only had about 4 base runners, 2 hits and 2 walks. That was it. Tough game.

I had my class on zoom and my stupid internet was giving me trouble. The professor was speaking but her movement was still, so I could hear her but not see her. This is why I always type my blogs on Word or try to. I will use the app some days. Class was good. Next week is the Tea Party day. I can’t believe it a month of class is behind us. I got to finagle how I am going to have a zoom class and then go to my other class on Mon. I think my other class’s classroom is empty so I should be able to use it for zoom. At least I hope so. We’ll see.

I was only able to eat half a sandwich for lunch. My stomach is feel so full. I only had coffee and a small piece of coffeecake for breakfast. My stomach is all over the place. I am either eating too much or small amounts. I took the puppy for a short walk after I ate. She didn’t want to go outside but did want to go for a walk. She peed three times while we were out. I will never understand dog bladders. I never would be able to do that unless I had some medical problem with my bladder.

Terminal weakness

I had wicked pain last night that kept me up most of the night. I had some sleep for an hour or two and then I would be up for a few more hours. Nothing was working for me and the pain was a 10 most of the time. I some how managed to sleep with the light on. I woke up to it on. I don’t know what time I fell asleep. I was so depressed last night. I woke up feeling depressed too. I haven’t done nothing all day. I slept until noon or so. I thought about going into Boston but my damn calf was still hurting me and I didn’t feel like walking from North Station to my DMH worker’s office.

I had a good talk with her. I told her one of my classes that was anti-tech is now tech because our classroom is flooded due to the storm. I won’t be going out tomorrow either. I will have zoom. I tried to do the assignment and it wasn’t posted on the web. So I stopped doing it. I will try again tomorrow. Then I checked the 1 credit course homework and there was nothing listed. I was like WTF. Now I have no clue what is going on in class. Ugh. I should have gone yesterday.

I am in pain right now. My chest and shoulder hurt. It is muscle aches. I also think because I am sleeping on a different pillow, it is straining my muscles. I can’t help it. I am comfortable with it and it helps my stomachache. Lately everything I eat bothers me. Today I didn’t eat too much.

The game is just starting and I am a nervous wreck. Tolle doesn’t start for another half inning. But I am just worried about the snakes pitcher starting tonight. He is nasty and I don’t like him.

Went out for some wings

I’ve been down most of the day. I was able to shower this morning before therapy. I had coffee when I got dressed. I felt good about showering and being able to brush my teeth. I had a good session with my therapist. She tried to use a CBT worksheet with me but it was too much for my brain. I don’t even remember half of it but it was a lot. She is going to go to something simpler. I told her if we can start with the thoughts, behavior, and feelings that would be a good start. She didn’t think I would go to class today but I tried. I didn’t end up going because of the bus schedule not being in sync. I would have been late to class.

I tried napping but it didn’t happen. I just ended up playing games on my phone. I hate the leftovers that I had from yesterday. My sister texted me asking if I wanted to go to the Pub and I had just finished eating. But went anyway to have a drink. I brought some wings home for tomorrow.

I messaged my pcp about my back because I am still getting spasms and some sciatica, which is more painful than the spasms. They called and I got an appt with her in a couple of weeks. I am glad I am seeing her because I really like my pcp. She assured me that I don’t have CES again. I know I don’t but with my discs being so fucked up, all it takes is sneezing or coughing the wrong way to hurt myself. I keep having calf pain and I know that is because I have been walking more.

Sitting on the stool at the bar really hurt my calf and foot. I am in so much pain right now. I don’t know if I should take a pain med. I need to see my DMH case worker tomorrow. I want to see her and have Starbucks. I still have some money left on the gift card I got. It will be in the afternoon so perfect for having a mocha.

I don’t know if there will be class on Wed as the lower level of the library where we have our class was damaged by the storm. I emailed the professor but haven’t heard back from her yet.

My favorite rookie is starting tomorrow and I am wicked nervous. They have their best pitcher against this rookie. Ugh. I am so looking forward to this game. I just hope I can be up for all 9 innings…