Author: Midnight Demon

Brain fog and migraine

I woke up early but I don’t know what time I was up because I didn’t look at my phone. I heard my sister leave her room and couldn’t go back to sleep. I got up with a little headache which I thought coffee would take care of. I had two cups and then went to my room. I had therapy soon.

Therapy went well. I like this therapist. She is younger than I am but that is ok. She told me to rest before school starts again and that it is ok if I don’t do anything. Small steps will lead to bigger ones as the saying goes. I needed to go out today for more half and half and after therapy, I just couldn’t do it. About an hour later, I got a migraine. I took my meds and had something to eat. I had to lie down afterwards. I must have been resting for at least twenty minutes and then I had a damn anxiety attack. I tried blowing it off. Ignoring it, telling myself there’s nothing to be panicked about. I was fine but my nerves got the better of me and I had to take an Ativan. The migraine was almost gone and now I just have brain fog. I feel so damn tired. My stomach feels like a rock. I don’t know why.

I wanted to read and I might if this fog goes away. I started reading “the suicidal mind”. It is one of my favorite books. I don’t know where my copy was, so I bought a new one, used and it has things underlines throughout the book. Oh well. My head feels so damn heavy. I hope I sleep tonight and don’t have strange dreams. I keep forgetting to think of being in a safe place before going to sleep so at least my dreams are somewhat better.

I woke up later than I planned as I didn’t sleep well last night. Around 330, I decided to write for a bit. I came to some conclusions that I plan to share with my therapist tomorrow.

I did some self-care today. I managed to brush my teeth and shave. I wanted to read but I feel too restless. I also started a few books and am having a hard time choosing which one to read.

I did my meds. Tomorrow i have to get more half and half. I’ll probably go to the Square and catch the bus to the shopping center. I’ll get Starbucks on the way. I wanted to order it for delivery but you can’t use your Starbucks card in the app. That sucks.

I roasted red potatoes for dinner and put some havarti cheese on it. It was really good. My sister gave me some chili so I couldn’t eat all the potatoes. I’ll have them tomorrow. I didn’t know what else to make.

Last Saturday Blog of 2024

 I got up around 1130 and took my meds. I had weird dreams throughout the night. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I had some coffee and then my sister asked if I wanted leftovers from Christmas. I asked if there was ham and there was so I went down. I had a few pieces and some quiche. The quiche was very good. Then I came upstairs and had some more coffee.

My sister said she was going to clean the bathroom so after I finished my coffee, I took a shower. I wanted to shave but I was so tired after showering, I left it. I was out of breath and exhausted. I hate when showers make me so tired. It was like I was doing manual labor or something. I rested on my bed for a while. I was thinking about my grades and wondering what my GPA was so I looked it up. It’s now 2.40. I went through my degree audit to see how many classes I need to take. After next semester, I think I will need like six classes to graduate. I am planning on taking a summer class. I might have to take another one the following summer or fall, depending on how I do with the two classes next semester. There are two 400 level classes I need to take for my degree and I know they will require more time than anything. It’s best if I just take them by themselves so I can concentrate just on that class.

I tried to take a nap but couldn’t rest. My sinuses hurt. I left my room and soon as I hit the cool air of the kitchen, I started sneezing like crazy. Even while I was down my sister’s, I was sneezing. I don’t know if I am getting a cold or if it is allergies. My nose is all stuffy. My sister made supper so I went downstairs again. My niece was there so I was happy to see her. I am so full now.

My cousin is going to hopefully come tomorrow and shave the back of my neck as I can’t see what I am doing and I don’t want to cut myself. I need to go to the store and get more Nyquil. I am out. The price has gone up. It’s now almost $14 a bottle. Crazy. Used be able to get two for that price. I still feel depressed. I haven’t done anything to clean my bed or room for that matter. I have no motivation to do it. I keep seeing on Facebook someone’s messy room because they are depressed and then they have a clean room because they got help or a study or whatever. Bullshit. I’ve never had a clean room. I can’t stand it. It’s an organized mess. I know where everything is, unless I forgot where I put something. I hate when I put things “where I’ll remember” because I never do.

Depressed and not caring

I didn’t want to get up today but my bladder made me. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up. I took my meds and then made coffee. I had three cups and some leftover ham from Christmas. I need a shower but can’t bring myself to take one. I just want to sleep or lay down. I am sort of suicidal. I am just hopeless that this depression is ever going to leave me.

I didn’t do anything today and I don’t care. I had oatmeal for dinner because I didn’t know what else to have. I never went out and I am out of Nyquil and Benadryl. I feel like reading a suicide book. It’s been so long and writing that paper has really left a gap in my reading. I need something academic.

I have been listening to Taylor. She is the only person I want to hear right now. I was listening to my other country artists but went to Taylor after a friend sent me a card about all too well. I have been listening to the “Taylor’s version” of her music. Maybe tomorrow I will shower if my mood is better.