Author: Midnight Demon

I’ve been down most of the day. Only time I got out of bed was to eat something or use the bathroom. I did buzz my head and shaved it. Also have a goatee going again. My cousin never came by to do my neck. He said he will be by tomorrow. We’ll see.

It’s been cold today so I’ve kept my legs under the covers because I am wearing shorts. I did my meds for the week. One of my Italian things is graded. The prof made comments but I haven’t looked at them yet. I still haven’t made up a story for my oral exam. I’ll think of something.

I feel low. I have been home alone all day and will be the next few days as my sister and niece are in NY. I am going through puppy withdrawal. I’m meeting my DMH worker tomorrow. I like talking to her. I need to go grocery shopping before we meet as I need half and half. I took out some chicken for tomorrow night. I found a Ceasar dressing with parmesan cheese recipe for it. I’ll try it. I love Ceasar dressing. I often use it as a dip.

Saturday Blog 26042025

I took some pain meds and gabapentin last night and didn’t want to get up this morning. I was feeling sick. My throat hurt and I just felt under the weather. I was feeling really depressed and needed to talk to someone so I texted the crisis line. We chatted for about an hour or so. Nothing really happened but I felt better talking about concerns. It was better than me going to the ER.

I took a nap afterwards. I slept for a few hours. I was so damn tired. Even this morning I was up and I kept tipping over in a sleepy way. I don’t know why. I was up around 6 so I took my morning meds.

I had some hot dogs for dinner. It’s probably going to upset my gallbladder but I don’t care. I don’t get paid until next week so I can’t order food until then. I have to keep a hundred dollars so I can pay my cell phone. I normally pay it will my LTD check but it isn’t coming in until the 26 and I will be late if I pay then. I have to mail out the release form for the LTD. They are such pains in the ass.

I wanted to buzz my hair today but I haven’t had a chance to yet. I think I will wait till tomorrow. I still have recycle bags in my room. I took down four. They accumulated because I was too lazy to bring them down to the bin. I finally had some energy this week to take them down. I got to fill another bag and empty my trash. I am building my grocery order. I will probably get them delivered next Sat. They finally have Marie Calendar’s country fried chicken again. It is one of my favorite dishes.

Tomorrow I am just going to do my English reading. Hopefully I will be able to retain what I read. I need to finish the PDF online and then I can start the book. I just hope I am up by 1pm so I can read most of the day.

Friday ramblings 25042025

I didn’t get up early like I wanted to. It was much colder today than it has been all week. I just wanted to stay under the covers. I had my coffee. Then I worked on my Italian. I took my quiz and turned it in. I then did the homework and was half way done when it was time for therapy. She only gave me a half hour because she double booked herself. I really didn’t feel like talking to her. I just feel apathetic.

I had something to eat. I took my migraine shot. I am almost out of the migraine supplement. I don’t think I will be able to get more until my check comes in next week.

I feel so low today. I just want to stay in bed. Nothing is enticing me to get out of bed or out of the house. I feel so tired all the damn time. All I can think about is death. How I would do it. I really can’t wait to do it. But I am worried that if I live, it won’t be pleasant.

I was supposed to buzz my hair today but I never got around to it. I don’t care. I can keep it like it is. It is just itchy as hell for some reason. I have been using a dandruff shampoo so I don’t know why it itches. I want to start shaving it again. But that might now happen as I can barely keep up taking care of myself. I am making sure I eat even though I don’t want to. Keeping up with fluids has been very difficult.

I feel like going to the psych ER but I don’t want to wait for hours to be seen and treated like an inpatient by being forced to change to scrubs. It just isn’t enough that I am talking to my therapist. Nothing is physically wrong with me and I feel so tired all the time. My PFTs were good so no lung problems. Yet the muscles around my lungs hurt every single fucking day. I feel sort of suicidal. I want to die. Last night I was reading some stuff on suicide ideation and there was this term called death ideation. I guess I have that more than being suicidal. My therapist asked what coping skills I use. I don’t fucking know. None? It’s not that I actively think about skills when I am distressed. I mostly just let them pass or I write about them. In a peer support article that I shared with my DMH worker, it mentioned the website Now Matters Now (https://nowmattersnow.org/) . I remember when it came out. I think Marsha Linehan had a hand in it and then Ursula Whiteside possibly took it over. I am not sure. It has good resources on it.

I’ve decided I am staying in bed tomorrow. Fuck everything. I will finish my Italian but that is all I am doing.