Author: Midnight Demon

Want to stay in bed

I got out of bed reluctantly because of class but my prof canceled because his shoulder was hurting him. His doctor kept him out of work. I hope he will be ok. I was happy I didn’t have to leave the house. I have been in a depressed mood most of the day. At one point I wanted to die. The thoughts just seem to come out of no where. I am not usually doing anything. I am just in my room and the thoughts will come.

My allergies have been bad all day. The pollen count is high. Has been the past three days. The weather has been super nice though. I have liked being on my new deck with the puppy. I had a couple cups of coffee today, one hot and one iced. It is really all I had to drink. I did have some water with dinner. My bladder has still been cramping all week. I might have to take pyridium. If I still have them tomorrow I am going to call my doc.

I tried reading the Eng stuff but nothing was making sense. It was a PDF and I find it really hard to read and get sometimes. A physical book or paper is better for me than reading on my laptop. I did some suicide research as this week is the Suicide Research Symposium. I have been following it but haven’t attended. It was good to see the new research. I don’t know the funding situation for this type of research. I hope the ongoing work that Jobes has done is not affected by the NIH cuts.

I am so fucking tired. I just took my night meds and a Reese’s treat. My stomach hurts from dinner. It had too much garlic in it. My stomach and garlic don’t get along. There was no way to avoid it as it was minced. My foot has been acting up the past few hours. I just want to go to bed. But it is too early and I don’t want to wake up at 2am.

Stressed to the max

All week I have been working on my English paper and I finally finished it today and turned it in so it wouldn’t affect me anymore. Now I am having terrible anxiety because I need to start the new book, which I am behind on, as well as do my Italian. I have a quiz this week but I think I am going to do better on it because I understand it more. I am still freaking out about the oral exam I got to take next week. I got to come up with a story and memorize it so I can speak it.

I had therapy today and it went well. My father’s death anniversary is Friday. We talked about it today and it is more that I am sad that I didn’t have a father that I needed. Of course, I didn’t have a mother I needed either but oh well. You can’t pick your family as the saying goes. We also talked about how stressed I am about school. I am down to the last few weeks and everything seems crammed in.

I took a shower today and while drying off, I almost fell. Nobody was home so it wouldn’t have been good. I was glad I took one as I have been feeling crappy all week. I’ve been sweating and I stunk. I wanted to take a shower yesterday before my niece’s birthday party but I woke up at 230 and didn’t go back to sleep. I ended up taking a nap for a few hours and woke up just as the party started. There was no time to shower. I feel wicked depressed. But I managed to get out of bed this week. It has been so difficult because my sleep has been so terrible. I managed to sleep most of the night until I had to pee. I got up around 7 I think as my sister was leaving for work. I was supposed to see my therapist in person but I just couldn’t. I knew if I left the house, my paper wasn’t going to get done. I will try and see her next week. We have just been meeting virtually. I see her again on Friday.

Brain logged me out and I don’t remember my password

I’ve been having bladder cramps for the past week or so. Urine showed a bug but my pcp isn’t treating me for that bug. I am so pissed off. I feel like crap and the antibiotic she put me on never works for me. I don’t know what to do.

I managed to sleep most of the night. I was exhausted. I had a hard time getting up today at Starbucks to do it and my brain stopped working. I couldn’t focus to save my life. I tried writing something and the more I tried, the more blank I got. I got so frustrated. I just went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and then I went home. I felt like taking a nap, even though I just had 5 shots of espresso. I tried to nap but couldn’t. I got really cold and am still cold. I just feel so run down.

I have an appt tomorrow with the NP for blood pressure check and then I have class. I haven’t started on the new material yet. I still got to write this damn paper but my brain is foggy right now. I have a busy week. I got to memorize some Italian as I have oral exam next week. I got to tell a story in the past. I am so screwed. We can’t use cards or anything to help us. I am gonna fail.