psychosis, therapy, and other things

I had therapy today as usual. We talked more about the psychosis and how I have been dealing with it, or not really. I told her I thought I would email my psychiatrist today to inform her of an agenda for when we meet on Friday. I want to tell her that I think we need to get the psychosis under control. I sent her yesterday’s blog in the email so she has a better idea of what I am talking about.

We talked a little about my father. I told her I have been reading blogs about his treatment towards me and other stuff but I was very vague and don’t remember the incident I was describing. I had to look at the date I wrote it to know what I was talking about. He was a difficult man. Hard to believe it will be three months that he has been gone. I still haven’t cried much for him, if at all.

Then I get an email from writing friend today that thinks my psychosis is caused by the grief of my father. She doesn’t know what happened this weekend so I am dismissing most of what she was talking about. Plus she kept calling my father “dad” which just annoyed me. He isn’t a “dad” in any sense of the word. The guy only thought about himself. It was only in the last year that he started giving us money on the fly but even then we had to pay him back. I never wanted his money for this reason. There was always a catch to it.

In the email I sent to my pdoc, I also told her what I wanted to talk about that didn’t involve the hospital. I told her about what happened with my mother. She is stable for now but that can change in a week or two. Hell, it can change today or tomorrow. You just don’t know with diabetes, even if you constantly monitor your levels.

Today I am less psychotic because I took my meds yesterday. I spaced it out so I did take 8 mg of trilafon. Today I plan on doing the same. It seems to be working. I am not as paranoid or agitated. The AC isn’t speaking to me. I haven’t played music so I am not sure the lyrics have changed on me. Last night, I was listening to Bon Jovi. There were songs I had to skip because I didn’t care for them. Then the Sox game got hot last night so I listened for a while. The voices wanted me to read but there was no way I could listen to the game and read so I turned the game off. I was reading Patrick J. Kennedy’s book, A Common Struggle. I didn’t there would be similarities between us but there were, as far as our illnesses go in managing it on a daily basis. I don’t have the addiction issues he has but I know what it’s like trying to manage being bipolar and psychosis. Then I read the part of losing his dad just before my therapist called me.

I asked my therapist if she reads and she laughed, thinking I was calling her illiterate. She usually doesn’t read fun books, just professional stuff. I told her about A Common Struggle and how I was interested in it. I didn’t tell her the reason I had an interest in the primary author (PJK) but did tell her the background of the book. He pushed for mental health and addiction parity while in Congress, all while battling his addiction to drugs and alcohol and bipolar disorder. I really don’t know how he didn’t accidently kill himself but I think he was on that road had he not had treatment at the various places he went to. He was never really suicidal until his girlfriend said things were over between them. It was the first time he had such thoughts.

Anyways, we talked about the book in therapy and how it stirred up feelings about my father. Last night he was on my mind. I think he is always going to be on my mind even though he is gone. I am just glad I am not hearing his voice while being psychotic because that would be very dangerous.

I didn’t go out today, again. It’s too hot out and I am fearful it might spike another psychotic episode if I go. I don’t really want to be around people. Tomorrow I have to go out because I have an appointment with my neurologist. I haven’t seen her in two years, and not much has changed. I still have pain that is unexplained. The reason I made the appointment was because I was having nerve pain, but that seems to have resolved. I think all the standing I was doing the month of April and dealing with the impending death of my father just caused a flare up. Now that I am back to my regular routine, or rather no routine, things have calmed down.

I am missing my cold brewed iced coffee from Starbucks. I will have it on Friday when I see my psych. Feels like ages since I last saw her and it’s only been three weeks.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to psychosis, therapy, and other things

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    sounds like you talked about a lot with your therapist. I hope you had a good psych apt and the coffee was good at starbux too. XXX

  2. I deal with an uncharacterized version of bipolar, addictions, schizoaffective, ocd, paranoia, agoraphobia, psychosis/psychotic episodes and suicidal ideation (*at least*)…It’s just so much fun and I feel just like a bundle of pure joy! Christ, this is one of the days I *don’t* want to hang myself (already tried it once and changed my mind after passing out for a few seconds). Or I feel a little *less* like doing it anyway. Plus, everyone whom I cared about, except for one old cat, has gone and died on me (or been taken from me in some other way). So, I know the insanity of the fight.

    Of course, it doesn’t help that we are essentially in a world literally run by demonic scumbags, and most of the population are under their spell. They are NOT “authority! Truth is, *no one* has the right to author somebody else’s story. Each of us is a *sovereign* being. Although, they, the pirates having overtaken society through mass murder and robbery, perceive us as “slaves”. Very sad state of affairs, no?

    It can be exhausting, this crazy yellow brick road through the Twilight Zone. Are happy endings a fictional concept?

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