Author: Midnight Demon

What a day

I ordered groceries yesterday and I forgot how tiring it is to haul them upstairs by myself. I was supposed to have therapy this morning but my therapist was sick and canceled. Today is my mother’s passing anniversary. It has been a roller coaster of a day. I was feeling kind of okay in the morning. Then I was doing exercise by going up and down stairs for like two hours. Each time I would bring something up, I had to rest because I got out of breath. I mostly did one trip down and up so it was taking forever. I am so mad that the potatoes I bought were not good. I had to get a credit on them. They smelled awful.

My sisters went to the cemetery. I didn’t want to go because I was waiting for my delivery. I ordered Chinese food in honor of my mother. It came right as the groceries came so I didn’t eat right away. The food was still warm when I put all the perishable stuff away. Then the bitch came home and called me an addict because of how many powerade I bought. I didn’t buy any last month because I couldn’t afford them so I got plenty this time to last me. I had been drinking water but I can’t take water with my meds all the time. I hate the taste of the pills, especially the supplements.

I tried not to let her get to me but she did. I was so mad. I wish she would mind her fucking business. My cousin called right when she was bitching and I was kind of angry at him. I should have just sent it to voicemail. He is a pain in the ass sometimes.

I am so fucking tired. I tried resting or napping and neither happened. My phone blew up while I was trying to rest. I had woken up in the middle of the night. I had to pee but I refused to get up. I finally did when my med alarm went off and I had to get up for therapy but she canceled soon after I got up. It’s been a long day for me. I wanted to do my Italian but I had such brain fog I couldn’t concentrate. I still don’t know the expressions they use and how to use them. I got to take the quiz tomorrow. I was hoping my brain would clear up enough that I could work on at least the homework. I will try and do that later. I wish someone was home to help me with the groceries. It always takes me so long to do it by myself.

Waves

I didn’t want to get out of bed today but my bladder needed to be emptied and as there isn’t a bathroom where the bedrooms are, I had to go downstairs. It woke me up some and I definitely needed coffee. I decided to skip the home brew and just head to Starbucks. It was around 10 or so anyway. I figure with me leaving early, maybe the caffeine would wake me up enough that I could read a chapter or two in my book as I wasn’t able to last night.

I got to campus with 45 minutes before class. I found a seat and read a chapter. It was small. Class went ok and I realized we are supposed to be in the 300s. I just got to around 200, I think. I should hopefully be caught up by Tues. I got to do Italian tonight and the next few days. I need to finish it before Sunday as I am going to a party and I want it done so I don’t have to do anything when I come home.

Last night I felt like I wanted to die. I don’t know why. I didn’t plan or anything. I sat with it. I texted my therapist and she had a cancellation for tomorrow so I am seeing her. She also had one today but I couldn’t make it because I was still traveling home. I met with my psychiatrist today. I can’t tell if he thinks I need to be in the hospital or not. I am doing all I can to stay out of it. I told him about the dreams of my mother and psych hospital. He says they are concerning.

Tomorrow is my mother’s anniversary. It’s been two years since her death. I am going to celebrate by having Chinese food. I also ordered groceries finally. Nearly $300, with tip. I  had to do it because I didn’t get groceries last month and I have no more drinks. I just hope I am not waiting all damn day for them like I did before and my cheese that I ordered is sliced to normal slice not blocks of cheese. I have no idea what I am going to do with the cheese that I have. It’s too thick to use and I don’t have a cheese slicer.

I have such a headache right now. I got a headache yesterday too. I know it’s because I am tired. I went to sleep after I had therapy yesterday. I got up around 5 I think. I had something to eat and then read for a bit before going back to sleep. I pretty much slept all night. I was up at 4am on Tues. and I didn’t go to bed till around 9. A long day for me. I did a lot of walking that day too. I am glad I slept late yesterday for therapy or I would have done more walking. I am surprised my therapist only gave me a half hour yesterday. I don’t know why. I am seeing her tomorrow morning though. I hope it is for 50 mins.

I did a lot of that today. I’ve been up since 4. I woke up from a dream about my mother. For a few minutes it was like she was alive and we were talking like we always do. Then I woke up and got a headache from hell. I just got a migraine.

I went to class. I struggled to pay attention. I was so damn sleepy. I tried snoozing on the train but there was someone who was smoking and he kept passing out. I reported him but no one responded. The train smelled of smoke. I hate it. I had to hold my bag because the guy spilled his drink. I had to wait for the bus. I was so hungry and tired. If I didn’t have to pee I would have gone to Starbucks for something.

I tried to nap but my bladder kept me awake. I took an Ativan. I am gonna go to bed early. I have therapy tomorrow. I am really surprised the office didn’t call to confirm. I got such a headache. Hope I can sleep. I slept through the night despite waking up around midnight because of a thunderstorm. I dreamt my sister called me but she didn’t. Then the thunder scared the crap out of me. It must have rolled for like two minutes. It was so loud. It was a nice day but the wind made it colder than it was. Tomorrow is supposed to be 70 but rainy.