Author: Midnight Demon

Gold rush

I had therapy today and I swear I wanted to end it 15 minutes into it. We were discussing anxiety and how I catastrophize a lot of the time. She also brought up my many messages to my medical providers. I have a chronic illness and it gets to messages. I might have medical anxiety over something. She feels like it is too much. I don’t recognize this medical anxiety stuff. My therapist doesn’t know anything about medicine yet is trying to tell me I am contacting my doctor too much? I don’t think my pcp would tolerate me contacting her for shit reasons. I wouldn’t be on 20 meds a day for being “normal”. Fuck. It was a frustrating session.

I tried reading what I was supposed to for my Anthro class, which I found out we are having our first exam this week. I am freaking out. I have an exam tomorrow in my psych class. I spent the weekend studying. I read half a chapter. I will finish the rest tonight before bed. I need to take a shower. I fricken stink. I hate sweating so much and it’s just winter. I opened the window in my room last night to get some fresh air in.

I feel so depressed. It’s that time of day when I feel really low and life seems pointless. I feel like a nobody. Insurmountable grief. I try writing how I feel every day so that I can wrestle with the demons that ravage my mind. Some days I feel successful at it. Other days, I struggle to get the words out. I don’t know what I am doing half the time. I keep thinking of dying. Yet, I am still here. I don’t know why I am.

Trying to study

I decided to go through the powerpoint slides for my psych class. I just keep going over and over it. I haven’t done chapt 2 yet. I will do that in a little bit. I emailed the professor to see when we will get our quiz back.

I slept throughout the night and woke up around 7. I didn’t get up until 10 or so. I feel a little better than I did yesterday but I am still congested. I didn’t take Nyquil last night because the cough wasn’t bad. I am having a hard time coughing up the congestion though. It feels like it is sitting in my chest. I might have to see my pcp this week.

I need to do my med boxes for the week. I have been putting it off. I feel really tired despite me getting some sleep through the night. This cold sucks. My sister is sick too. I am going to go through the slides and then take a nap.

Saturday Blog 17022024

I slept through most of the night but I had weird dreams. I stayed in bed after I woke up to pee but didn’t go back to sleep. I woke up feeling ok and then after my cup of coffee, I started to feel sick again. I am coughing less than I did yesterday but going upstairs causes me to get out of breath.

I had my second cup of coffee around 345pm when I started reading the chapter for my psych class. I am re-reading it so some of it sticks in my head and the second read through is just as tough as the first time. I got to get through this. I am taking my time though because I know if I rush through it, I won’t remember shit.

I am trying to blog today but my brain is making it hard to think. I keep going between apps on my phone. I am listening to Chris Young. I thought I had one of his albums from like 15 years ago but I don’t. So I am listening to another one of his albums. I have always liked him since he came out.

I have therapy Monday. My therapist is working the holiday because she had to take time off for jury duty. I have been fortunate not to be called in the past few years. I haven’t gotten a notice since 2007 or so. I remember because I was still recovering from CESx2 and couldn’t sit too long.

I am tired. I hate being sick. My throat is so sore from clearing it and coughing so much. I also have been sweating a lot in my room. It is just hot in here. I might open the window to get some air in. I got to get back to reading my chapter. Till tomorrow, readers.