Author: Midnight Demon

Coffee at midnight

I slept from 8pm till around 130am and then it was such a bitch to get back to sleep. I used the bathroom and then just laid in bed. I managed to sleep for about a couple hours but then woke up from a dream with my mother in it. I woke up with a damn headache and omg did it hurt. The headaches are becoming less but when they hit, they hurt. I just laid in bed and then when my sister got up, I couldn’t go back to sleep. My brain was awake. I didn’t get up though until around 930. I made a cup of coffee and then took it to my room. I booted up the laptop. It didn’t load right away. I had to control, alt, delete to get to the login screen. Ugh.

I logged in to the patient website and was thankful there wasn’t questionnaires. I wasn’t in the mood for them. Therapist was a little late. I wanted to log off but didn’t. I had no idea what to talk about. Therapist wasn’t going to start the conversation. I asked if this supervision was because of me not having clear goals or just in general. She said it was in general. I felt better about it but it would have been nice if she told me she wasn’t giving up during the session. Fuck. I spent a week trying to think if I needed therapy and what to do and all that. I told her I would try to use skills when needed but it would be just that. Then she asked/told me I was in control of my life and I was like, I am? Like it never occurred to me. It made me feel a little bit less helpless. She asked if I wanted to see her again this week and I agreed. So I will be seeing her again on Thurs.

I brushed my teeth after I used the bathroom. I didn’t shave my head. I need to do this sometime today. I made another cup of coffee. I still have brain fog. My new broken tooth feels a little better after I brushed. It still hurts to drink and eat. My tongue is so sore. I had my third cup of coffee with lunch. It is weird that I have taken drinking coffee with my meals. I just love drinking it. Something comforting in it like a cup of good tea.

The top of my head feels all pins and needles so I am probably getting a migraine. I have been in a brain fog for most of the day. I just took my migraine med for it. Other than therapy, I have no other commitments this week. I am going to try and go to Starbucks tomorrow to read some of Managing Suicidal Risk. It isn’t a big book and if I read at least a chapter a day, I should be able to work through it but I keep getting distracted. I hope when college starts, I don’t feel the same way. I plan on hopefully getting the textbook for class next pay period, if my insurance payment isn’t ridiculous. I honestly don’t know how much it will be until I get the invoice. According to my calculations, next year’s insurance will be lower than what I am paying now but it’s a new insurance. I hope it covers all the things I am used to. I don’t see any specialists other than my neuro and psychiatrist. I mostly see my pcp for everything else, including my cardiac issues. I see her the end of the month when I am back from holidays. I really don’t want to leave the house but I also don’t want to be alone either. I will bring some books with me. I don’t know if I will be sharing a room or not. I hope not.

Saturday Blog 02122023

I’ve been up since 0630. I woke up to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep even though I tried. I gave up around 0930 and had coffee. I thought about making pizza but it was too early. I had two cups of coffee and by then I decided to make pizza. I don’t know if my tooth was already starting to crumble but the crust broke one of my teeth further so now I have a sharp edge on both sides of my tongue on my lower jaw. Fucking fuck. Some pizza got stuck in my tooth where it was broken and then fell apart when I tried to get it out. I am so fucking frustrated. I just want the teeth gone at this point. I don’t think I can save them. I had sent messages to the two dental schools in the area but I haven’t heard back. I also have to call on Mon the dental office at the hospital I go to to see if they received my images so I can make an appointment for my teeth to be extracted. I just sipped some water and I swear it was like drinking alcohol. It stung and now my tooth hurts because it was cold water. My room is cold so makes my drinks cold as well.

I don’t remember where I left off with the therapy saga but I texted my therapist saying that if we are ended to kindly send me a referral to someone else. She responded that she hasn’t given up, which would have fucking been nice to know at the beginning of the session rather than opening with that she was in supervision about me. I don’t really want to see her again but I made an appointment with her for Mon. It’s in the morning and I already set two alarms to get up so I can at least have one cup of coffee. I am going to need it as I am not a morning person.

I was clearing off my bed yesterday to change my sheets and found a piece of mail that was thicker than it usually is. I opened it and it was a notice saying that I will be double billed for the month of Dec for Dec and Jan premium for my health insurance. This on top of my checking account already being overdrawn sent me into a fucking meltdown. I texted my sister who then called me. She said she would give me some money for my birthday and I told her no. She already has done so much for me this year financially that I don’t want to take anymore money from her. I still owe her $40. I was planning on getting someone a gift the Yankee swap but I just can’t afford it. I have a birthday party tonight and will have just $30 left for the month. I will need to get more half and half eventually and it isn’t cheap anymore. Nothing is. I am fucking flustered and with still not knowing about college expenses and wanting to get my book done next year, I am just a nervous wreck. I still need to write at least 20 or so pages. I also need to somehow come up with $500 for the editor. Fuck.

Last night I read the suicidality piece I have been working on and I think it is some good writing. I just don’t know what the fuck to do with it. Sure I can post it on my blog but my reader traffic hasn’t been good lately and this is too important to me. I could put it in the book as I wrote about how the suicidality and being trans is intertwined. I would have to make some changes to the document to make it fit in. I hate doing it because of the formatting involved. I am still waiting for a therapist friend to give me feedback on it. Then I will decide what to do with it. For now it will sit in my phone and thumb drive as is until then.