Author: Midnight Demon

Tired from one fricken outing

I had a dentist appointment today. I got up a couple of hours before it so I could shower and shave. I had my last k-cup of real coffee. Now I just have the fake stop and shop brand coffees which suck. I wanted to go to the grocery store after my appointment but I was too fucking tired. I spent like two hours at the dentist. I had a cleaning and then was seen by the dentist to go over the work that I need on my teeth. I have a tooth that needs a root canal and cavities all over the place. It is going to cost me close to a grand just for the root canal, which thankfully includes the crown. The first time I had a root canal I had to pay like $1500 and that didn’t include the crown. I luckily had a nice Russian dentist following up that gave me a crown for nothing. He is long gone now. This place wants money up front and I don’t have it. It is going to take me a long while to save a grand. I still need to save up to $500 for the editor. I am slowly paying off my credit card debt that I got behind on but there are still some cards I haven’t been able to make a payment on because the minimum is too high.

I had therapy yesterday and we spent the entire session talking about how to deal with my sister. It wasn’t a good session. We both got aggravated with each other. She wanted me to work on my cognitive distortions but I had a hard time coming up with some. She had to literally define it for me because I was so lost. By the time I figured it out, session was up. I hate it when she throws CBT at me and then some DBT shit. She kept on saying I was in emotional mind, a DBT term. The distortions are CBT. I was so aggravated. I fucking hated when she said I was “making myself depressed” because of the cognitive aspect of it all. Like fuck, how are you supposed to feel when she has no sympathy because I am depressed and thinks I am supposed to be “cured” because I had top surgery and am on meds and in therapy! Like WTF.

I am stressed out over money. My account is overdrawn by $90, which means I am going to be short my next pay period. I still owe my sister money for the gas and electric bills. I am trying to pay every thing but its fucking hard when you only get paid once a month and it is the same amount each month. And birthday month is coming up. I want to get my baby sister something nice for all the things she does for me. I missed her birthday last year because I was in the hospital. I am glad we aren’t celebrating Christmas this year so I don’t have to worry about gifts. We are going away but I am not sure I can afford meals. Just truly sucks.

Indigenous People’s Day

Happy Indigenous People’s Day to all who celebrate.

I had a migraine today, brought on by artificial sweetener. We are out of sugar and I forgot to order some on my last grocery order. I meant to do it, but it slipped my mind. If I don’t do things when I think of them, they don’t get done. I plan on getting some this week. I might have to pay more if I go to Walgreens. I am going to see if I can get to a grocery store where the price might be lower. Paying five bucks for four pounds is a lot. I also plan on getting eggs as we are out. Funny how its my sister’s daughter who has been the person eating them and yet I have to pay for it.

I got into a fight with my sister today over a fucking frying pan. I cooked bacon yesterday and left the pan. I planned on cleaning it but I got tired, like I usually do after I cook a meal. My sister think I am tired because “I am in bed all day sleeping”. This got me mad and when I said it was because of depression, she scoffed with “you’re on meds and in therapy and you had top surgery” like all that is a fucking cure. The sink was full of fucking dishes. I ended up emptying the dishwasher and then loading it again with the stuff in the sink. I left the two frying pans and scissors. I washed them and then had to sit for a bit because all these chores flared up my back. My foot got into it, too. It has been flared since this afternoon. Hopefully when I take gabapentin in about an hour it will settle down.

My therapist changed my time and also put that I will be seeing her virtually so fuck it, I won’t be going into town to see her. I plan on getting my haircut and having real coffee at Starbucks before our appointment. I might get two coffees as the Stop and Shop K-cups suck. Even when I use the “strong” button on the Keurig it makes it weaker. Nothing I can do about it until I get my SNAP benefits on Wed. I might go to the store then and get the eggs, sugar, and coffee.

Last night I started a new book. It’s not really a memoir but sort of is. It’s a dissertation on Thinking about Suicide by David Webb. He holds his PhD in suicidology, the first to have this degree. I am not sure where he got it but I am interested to know more. He is from Australia. It’s an interesting book and easy to read. It is giving me ideas about my book that I am writing. I don’t think I am going to have chapters. I am up to 83 pages with my latest writing. I somehow got to come up with $500 for the editor. I might have to stop my Starbucks funds for a bit.

I am feeling worn out. I took the recycling and trash bags out of my room and had my niece put them in their respective bins. I managed to brush my teeth today. I didn’t shave though. I had dreams of my mother throughout the night, followed by headaches. Hope I get to have some decent sleep tonight.