Author: Midnight Demon

First exam done

I didn’t sleep most of the night. I was worried about my finances and class and getting my degree. I have been thinking of asking my uncle for help with the cost of college but I don’t know how to ask him. I got up around 10 and had a coffee. I wanted to make eggs but I didn’t have the energy.

I went to Starbucks and had my mocha and something to eat. I didn’t bring my backpack so just grabbed a pen and out the door I went. I was kind of wheezing when I got to the bus stop. I put my mask on so I could cough without infecting anyone. I got there early. I just played with my phone until the other class left and then went in the classroom. The test was all multiple choice. Some answers I knew and others I struggled with. The extra credit was about cocaine and I didn’t know the answer so didn’t get it.

I was done with the exam in like 15 mins. I left and went home. I had to wait a half hour for the bus, which sucked. I wanted to get a haircut but my barber wasn’t in the shop so I will see him tomorrow. I wanted to order a cold cut calzone but my sister said she had food so I raided her fridge when I rested for a bit. I was so tired when I came home. I also was coughing a lot. I think I will be taking Nyquil tonight.

I need to read a chapter of my Anthro book to finish the book. I don’t know if it is going to be tonight. I am feeling really tired and don’t think my brain can take it. I read like two chapters yesterday. Tomorrow starts the exam. I have been thinking about dropping this class but I don’t know if I will lose the little financial aid I got for one class. I won’t be able to afford full cost of a class. I am stressing out.

I feel like shit. This cough won’t let me be. I plan on taking Nyquil tonight to help control it. I need to rest.

Gold rush

I had therapy today and I swear I wanted to end it 15 minutes into it. We were discussing anxiety and how I catastrophize a lot of the time. She also brought up my many messages to my medical providers. I have a chronic illness and it gets to messages. I might have medical anxiety over something. She feels like it is too much. I don’t recognize this medical anxiety stuff. My therapist doesn’t know anything about medicine yet is trying to tell me I am contacting my doctor too much? I don’t think my pcp would tolerate me contacting her for shit reasons. I wouldn’t be on 20 meds a day for being “normal”. Fuck. It was a frustrating session.

I tried reading what I was supposed to for my Anthro class, which I found out we are having our first exam this week. I am freaking out. I have an exam tomorrow in my psych class. I spent the weekend studying. I read half a chapter. I will finish the rest tonight before bed. I need to take a shower. I fricken stink. I hate sweating so much and it’s just winter. I opened the window in my room last night to get some fresh air in.

I feel so depressed. It’s that time of day when I feel really low and life seems pointless. I feel like a nobody. Insurmountable grief. I try writing how I feel every day so that I can wrestle with the demons that ravage my mind. Some days I feel successful at it. Other days, I struggle to get the words out. I don’t know what I am doing half the time. I keep thinking of dying. Yet, I am still here. I don’t know why I am.