Author: Midnight Demon

Rotten sleep on a dreary day

I woke up around 0430 with a headache. It was the second of the night. I stayed up to read a bit as I didn’t feel sleepy. I took my morning meds around 0630 and then went back to sleep for a few hours. I got up to make some coffee. I brushed my teeth before heading to the kitchen. I had therapy in a few hours. While drinking my coffee, I called the pharmacy to see if my pain meds were in stock. They told me to call after 5pm. I was bullshit. I had waited all weekend. If I waited till after 5, I wouldn’t be able to contact my doctor until tomorrow. I sent a message telling them the situation. They said they were happy to transfer it to another location. I called the one around the corner from me and they have it in stock. I should hopefully get it tomorrow.

I had therapy. I wasn’t too talkative. I had a slight headache. My nephew is burning a candle and scents usually give me a headache and cause me to fucking sneeze my head off. It is irritating my nasal passages. Nothing major went on in therapy. We talked about grief and the trans joy I felt briefly. We are going to continue the EMDR next week. I don’t know if it will be the same memory or if we will work with a different one.

I worked on my book for a little bit. I wanted to write about my suicidality but the scent of the candle is making the headache worse so I can’t think. It is raining. I haven’t shaved or showered. I wanted to but now don’t have the energy. I just want to sleep but it’s only 5pm. I want some chips but I have no snacks. I made mac and cheese for lunch. Not really sure what I will have for dinner, if anything. I just want to fucking sleep but I know if I try and sleep now, I will be up all night again. Fucking sucks.

Saturday Blog 14102023

I had some difficulty sleeping through the night again. I was up around 0030 after dreaming and promptly had a severe headache. I took some Tylenol. And then when the headache was a little better, I read for about an hour. I wanted to read another chapter but I got tired and went back to sleep. I woke up around 530 or so with another headache after dreaming. I went back to sleep and then was in and out of sleep for the next few hours. I had a dream I was sleeping with my mother who was talking in her sleep about going to a doctor’s appointment.

I got up around 1130. I took my meds and then made coffee. I had to pick up my meds, which I thought were ready but only one was. My pain meds are still on order and won’t be in until Monday. I went to Starbucks and read for a little bit. I had to stop reading because I wanted to pause and think about what I read. It was about empathy and telling your suicidal story to a therapist. My therapist doesn’t listen to my narrative. Often times, like my past session, she will try and fix the issue I am dealing with. She then becomes irate because I don’t take this “fixing”. I am going to try and bring this up to her on Monday when I we meet.

I have thought about writing about my suicidal career for my new memoir I am writing. I wish I had written down some of the thoughts I had the other night about it. I forgot what I wanted to say and how to say it. Now I am just looking at a blank screen with some idea of what to write but not sure what exactly.

My dentist sent me a release so they can send my xrays to the dental office in Boston so I can get my broken teeth extracted. Problem is that my printer is sort of broken so I can’t print it out and then send it. I don’t have a paid PDF thing where I can transfer it to a word doc. Eating has been difficult since I broke what remained of the broken tooth and then broke the tooth next to it. It is sharp where it is broken. I have been trying to eat on the other side but I forget. It doesn’t hurt though so that is good.

I am tired just from going out. My legs felt like cement on the way home and it was just a couple of blocks that I had to walk to my house. I was wicked out of breath when I came up the stairs. I hate when I get like this. I don’t know why some days are like this and other days I am ok. Last weekend, I walked close to 6,000 steps, my most ever in one day. I still remember the joy I felt. It is hard as I haven’t been feeling that way the past few days. I have been mostly sad and depressed all week. Grief has been hitting me in waves. I miss my mother every day. Some days it is easier than others. Today isn’t one of those days.