Author: Midnight Demon

Why does my brain hurt?

I had to pee at like 9, around the time my med alarm went off. I took my meds and then went back to sleep. I didn’t want to get up. I had no interest in coffee or school work. But I needed to submit my quiz with a better score. It was bugging me that I got an answer wrong. I addressed the disability paperwork and included the books for the program that I bought like two months ago. By like 3pm, I was exhausted. I wanted to go back to sleep and I was only up for two fucking hours. My head hurt. I could think but even that took some doing. I hadn’t eaten anything yet. I did my med boxes for the week.

I heated up the casserole I made the other day. It was so good but I put a hefty helping and couldn’t finish it. I was really thirsty and drank my Gatorade. I also had some water. I didn’t want another cup of coffee. I had two. I read some of my Anthro. I had to re-read an article because I forgot what it was about. Then when I read it, I remembered. There are a few readings before the lecture. I will probably spend tomorrow going through all of it.

I feel so depressed again. Nothing really set me off. I just felt really low. I just want to sleep and not wake up. I’m not suicidal. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I am struggling and I don’t know who to talk to about it. I don’t see my therapist till Wed. The disability stuff always gets me down because it reminds me of what I can no longer do, which is work and walk. I had another night where I didn’t sleep. I read for an hour, which is why I was so tired this morning and didn’t want to get out of bed. I just don’t know how to tell my therapist I am struggling when I had a good session with her last week. Even though it was a good session, she ended it with a comment that I am still angry about. She has it in her head that I am a victim. I’m not entirely sure I understand where she is coming from with this. I know I am not a victim. I never was. It isn’t my kind of game.

I got a call from the DMH and when I returned the call, it didn’t go to voicemail, just a beep. I left a message but haven’t heard back. Maybe I will this week. I am not good at callbacks. But I made an effort. I don’t know what they can offer me. I will have to find out. I know college is giving me a purpose right now and I am focusing my energy on it. I just wish I knew where this Anthro class was taking me. It is all over the place. Driving me nuts. Our first exam is in a couple of weeks. Maybe I will find out then what this is about.

Saturday Blog 03022024

My sister was able to print out my disability paperwork that I needed. It makes me sad because I used to be able to walk where ever and now I need to stop every hundred or so feet. Just walking to the bus stop some days can be a challenge and it isn’t that far a walk. I am also worried that my pcp won’t see me as disabled because I have been able to get to her office. It takes me a long time to get there because it is a far walk. I could take a shuttle but I don’t know where the stop is as they have moved it. I figure if I walk, it will do me some good, mentally. Physically, it just taxes me. I am often exhausted by the time I reach her office. There have been times where my vital signs were elevated because I just got to the office and was flustered. Usually by the time I have seen my pcp and sat for a few minutes longer, everything goes to normal.

I am having wicked brain fog today. I have been trying to do some school work and haven’t been getting anywhere. I looked at the blackboard for my psych class as I wanted to focus on that today and just took a quiz. I got one answer wrong and I am struggling to remember what the guy is known for. I’ll look him up in a little bit.

I feel so sad all of a sudden. I think my anxiety is getting the better of me today because the brain fog is so bad. I also have tightness in my chest from sleeping on my side for so long. It isn’t helping with the anxiety. I just feel so hopeless. Like what the hell am I doing? I feel like an imposter of some kind.

I showered and brushed my teeth. I had some of my casserole. It always tastes better the second day. Now I want a PB&J sandwich but I don’t think we have any bread. I have been meaning to get to the grocery store but just haven’t been able to. Maybe I can go tomorrow. Maybe my brother in law will take me.

I feel so overwhelmed right now with stuff I need to do for class and my brain just not being there. I am so tired. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and I just lay there trying to get back to sleep. Sometimes I have to pee which wakes me up for a few hours. Lately, I have been waking up to take my meds and not wanting to do much else. I don’t know if it is the depression or what. I am struggling with the cognitive functions. I keep thinking of when I was catatonic and how I just became psychotic and delusional. I felt like everyone knew my thoughts. I’ve come a ways since then but I am still worried about that period of my life. I like to think I have recovered but the PTSD of it all is still there. I haven’t been as depressed as I have in the past. I tend to have better days as I am coping better. I am using radical acceptance a lot more as well as being mindful at times.

Listening to 3 doors down

The construction workers were listening to Kryptonite on their radio so I decided to listen to their greatest hits album. One side of my house had to be gutted because it was full of rotten wood. It was so noisy. I made my casserole and a roast chicken. I had the roast chicken for lunch. I plan on having the casserole for supper. It took me three hours to make. I am tired. I left a couple of pans and I need to clean the stove as the chicken pot spilled over. I am waiting for the stove to cool down before I clean it. It is hot right now.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I went to bed around 8 and then around 11 I was up for a couple of hours. I was too tired to read so I just tossed and turned. I got hot so took my tshirt off. I didn’t sweat so much so I might have to sleep topless so I don’t sweat. I wanted to shower today and I still might. Though I am feeling really tired right now so it might not happen.

I got an email from my LTD company. I have to submit paperwork to prove that I am still disabled. I hope my pcp goes along with what I write. Last night I had a bad night of pain that kept me up for a few hours. I just wanted to sleep because I was so tired but the pain was so bad. It felt like each bone in my foot was being crushed individually. My foot still hurts but it is just buzzing right now. I made sure to sit while I worked on the casserole.

I don’t know if I am going to do any schoolwork today. I really don’t have the brain power as I am so tired and my head hurts. I was able to get some kind of thing from the makers of my migraine med so I hope they can cover some of the cost of the copay I have to pay. I just don’t know how much they will cover until next week. I got $30 left in my account so we’ll see. I don’t know if I have the beginning of a migraine or not. I have some nerve pain on the top of my head. I just took some ibuprofen. Last night I was ready for bed by 630pm. It is almost 5pm and I am struggling to stay awake. I just want to lie down but I know if I sleep, I run the risk of waking up around midnight and being up half the night. I still need to finish the chapter I started last weekend. I think tomorrow I am going to split my time between studying for psych and reading Anthro. I have a quiz next week in my psych class and I want to try and remember the people I need to know and the things they did as well as the thirty some odd terms in the chapter. I don’t know how many will be on the quiz. I am nervous. Hope I don’t blank out.