Author: Midnight Demon

Listening to 1989TV again

I had blank space in my head so I have been listening to 1989TV again. I had therapy and got up a half hour before the appointment. I made a cup of coffee. Someone has been using my half and half and I only had enough for two cups today. I wanted to go to the grocery store but I just couldn’t bring myself to go for just one item. So much walking for just one thing. I will go tomorrow after class. I wish the grocery store in the square didn’t close. It was so convenient to get it there and then go to Starbucks or pick up my meds.

Therapy went ok. We talked about what she meant about being the victim. She has it in her head that I identify as my illness. I told her that wasn’t the case. I am a person with depression not a depressed person. I get the difference. Sometimes it feels like the depression has me. Other days it doesn’t feel that way. Lately I have been depressed and my therapist is attributing it to the season and me. I hate when she says that because it makes me feel like the depression is my fault or she is blaming me for being depressed.

My pcp got my disability paperwork. They wanted a blank copy as they didn’t like what I wrote in my restrictions. Fuck. I hope she doesn’t say I have no restrictions or I am fucking screwed. I am so fucking nervous about this. I wish I could look at what she will write before she posts it.

I am feeling tired today. I was up for a few hours last night so I finished the psych chapter I started yesterday. It was review for me. The professor posted the slides from yesterday’s lecture. I don’t know if we are having an in person quiz or if it is just online. I’ll find out tomorrow. Anthro professor just send a bunch of questions per reading that he assigned this week for discussion. I am too tired to answer the questions today. I will work on it on Friday.

I need to shower and trim my beard. I thought about taking one today but so far I don’t have the energy for it. I don’t even have the motivation to just trim my beard. My hair is getting longer on top. Might need a trim by the end of the month. I am letting the sides and back grow. I stopped shaving them for a few weeks now. I really liked it when it was shaved but it was a lot of effort.

Lectures

I finally figured out how to listen to the lectures in my Anthro class. I sent like an hour listening today and then my brain went dead. I had to take a nap. I had a flare last night so I was up till at least 0200. It was so rough. I read the Anthro chapter I was supposed to and this book is so much easier than the other book to read.

I had tea today instead of coffee because I needed something that would help my brain. Tea can helps me focus better than coffee can. I had two cups. I haven’t had anything to eat. I want to order a pizza but I need to have money for my meds. I have just $15 left to last me until the end of the month. I was able to have my Effexor delivered so I didn’t have to go to the Square today. I was supposed to go to the post office but never did. I will go tomorrow before going to campus.

I am wicked tired.

I started this post last night and never finished it. I went off to go to campus for class but I didn’t realize there would be shuttle buses. I forgot my headphones so just came home. I plan on reading the chapter to make up for class. I would have gone if I had music to keep me company. Thurs I will go a different route to avoid the buses.

I feel tired despite sleeping a lot last night. I woke up around midnight to pee and then went back to sleep, not getting up until around 9. I am glad my chest didn’t do the cramping it does when I lay on my side for so long. I had a hard time getting out of bed but I made it to the post office and the Square. I wish I knew they were closing the damn subway down. I thought it was just at night they were closing the stations. Fuckers. Totally messed up my day.

I’ve been watching the video of Luke Combs and Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car. Makes me so happy to see her again. I absolutely love this song so much. He has brought this song back to life. The duet was so fucking good.

I mailed off my disability paperwork. The woman from DMH called me while I was waiting for the bus home. I have a zoom appointment with her on Mon. I am kind of nervous about it because I don’t really know what kind of services I need. I also don’t know if she is my case worker or not. I have waited over a year for services. I hope they can be of some help.

I had a prescription to pick up and one of my favorite pharm techs was there. I hadn’t seen her in so long. It was good talking to her for the few minutes. It’s only 4pm and I am ready for bed again. I need to read before I fall asleep so I am going to stop here for now.