Author: Midnight Demon

Why does it hurt to exist?

I have been struggling past couple of days with depression. I have been forcing myself to get up and do things. Today I made myself get out of bed at 10 so I could have a cup of coffee before my cousin called. I asked him to take me to the grocery store so I can get some more coffee. I just felt really bad and just wanted to stay in but I went out and got a couple of boxes of coffee. Then I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds that I forgot yesterday. My cousin gave me some money so I could buy some candy. I had told him that chocolate was so damn expensive. I paid like $6 for a bag of Reese’s pumpkins. It didn’t ring up the sale price and I didn’t care. I probably had to use my rewards card to take a buck off. I paid and then went back to the car.

It was trash day and my brother in law is away so I brought them into the driveway. The house is empty and I am feeling the loss of my mother. It is so hard. I feel ugly and fat. I haven’t eaten anything yet. I might make a pot pie. I have a few left from the time I bought them.

I feel so ugly. I found a pic of when I was before everything in 2017. It was taken a few weeks before my name change. October is basically my transition month. I started T and legally changed my name and gender change on my license. Depression is just making everything sour. I don’t know if this is because of the EMDR session or just my regular depression hitting me hard the past few days. My cousin thinks my hair is good and he is a barber himself so he knows. I think it could be short on the sides though. I like it close.

My ankle is bothering me, the CRPS one. It was flared up yesterday, too. I don’t remember if I took pain meds or not. I have been trying to see if the pain goes away on its own, which is hard to do as it can be hours before it finally lets up. Some times it takes some gabapentin and rest. I did a lot of walking in the store because my cousin parked at the other end of the store and the coffee aisle was toward the front. I had the coffee and it is weak. I might have to hit the “strong” button on the Keurig. I hate weak coffee but I think I put too much half and half.

I need to shower as I smell but I have no fucking energy for it. I probably have to shave or trim my underarms. I can’t remember the last time I did it. I also need to start clearing my bed off so I can change the sheets. I also need to wash some clothes for the fall. I am still wearing shorts because it is warm today. I still have the AC on. I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 2330 and didn’t go back to bed until around 0400. I was coloring. I thought about reading but my mind was awake so I knew if I started reading it would get me thinking and I really wouldn’t go back to bed.

Some goals accomplished today

I had quite a list of to do today but after I did a bunch, I couldn’t sit at Starbucks and read like I wanted to. Today was t shot day so I did that after I had my first cup of coffee. I had to use my sister’s coffee as I am out of mine. After the shot, I brushed my teeth and shaved. My hair where I am not touching is growing and needs to be trimmed. I made an appointment with my barber for Tues. I felt so wiped out afterwards but I felt good that I shaved. I still needed to go out of the house and get my meds. SHIT I just realized I forgot to get my meds at one pharmacy. Fuck. I will do that tomorrow. I have enough meds for the week so I don’t really need it until the weekend.

I wanted to buy a comp notebook so I went to the pharmacy to get my meds and picked one up. I also wanted one of the Gatorade drinks that is for hydration. It was really warm today for October. I have the AC on as my room is really warm. I put in my mobile order for Starbucks and mailed my things I needed to. I got to Starbucks and was wicked thirsty. I drank like two cups of water before touching my coffee. I bought something to eat as I was hungry. I thought about getting something sweet but half way through eating, I just wanted to go home.

I thought about stopping at Walgreens for some chocolate but I just wanted to get home. I might get some tomorrow when I go to the grocery store. I need to have my regular coffee before I go insane. My sister has French vanilla coffee. I like it but it isn’t strong enough for me. I want my Pike’s.

I am hurting right now. Ankle has flared up. I am between a 4 and a 6 on the pain scale. I also have the beginning of a headache because I was in the sun for about a half hour. I was early for the bus, but it was late so I sat in the sun. It was really warm today, in the 80s. It isn’t humid so I don’t have to worry about storms.

I sent my pcp a message asking if I need to see a cardiologist for the EKG changes and she said the changes were mild and I can continue to be monitored by her, but if the pressure feeling comes back to call the office right away. She said I might need a stress test but it is indicated right now. I am glad I don’t have to see the cardiologist.

I am wicked tired. The exhaustion of being out for a little bit is hitting me. I pushed myself today and basically did opposite action, which is a DBT skill. I wanted to stay in bed but I went out. Saturday is a trans event that is local so I will be attending. I hope I get to meet some people. And of course it is supposed to fucking rain, again. UGH. It will be hard getting up around 0630 so I can leave the house by 0730. I have to check the bus schedule. I haven’t done commuting on a Saturday in a long time so not sure how the buses run that early in the day. It should be fun.