Author: Midnight Demon

Blank Space

Yesterday I had therapy. It didn’t go well at all. She told me she was in supervision as she didn’t know what to do with me. She doesn’t know how to help me as the suggestions she has made, I have refused. The suggestions were to go to partial hospital and join a support group. I have joined a few support groups. I don’t think partial will help me so I haven’t gone. I was getting upset and she knew it. I told her how intertwined the suicidality and being trans is and she still did not get it. I told her I wanted someone to hear my pain and she went off. I was in my own world by this point and just ended the conversation. I don’t think I will be going back to her. All I can think about is the song Blank Space. She looked like my next mistake and she didn’t want to play. I have a blank space baby, I’ll write your name.

She felt that I wasn’t going anywhere in therapy and because of this she felt ethically obligated to tell me this. I knew then that she and I weren’t going to last. I told her yesterday how I avoided a meltdown when I started feeling super depressed and she didn’t give me any kind of praise whatsoever. I am going to swing not going to therapy for a while. It is the holiday season and people will be taking vacations and such. It will be hard to see a new therapist. I am not sure I want to anyways.

I feel defeated that I have lost yet another therapist.

I have done nothing the past two days. I need to get my meds and just can’t get going. I will try tomorrow. I didn’t sleep too good last night. I woke up around midnight and didn’t fall back to sleep until 530. I woke up tired and didn’t feel like doing anything. I ordered some food because I didn’t feel like cooking. I got the stuff I ordered from Amazon. Some of it is going to my transgender program. I will bring it with me when I go next month.

Short goals

I wanted to do three things today and that was to shower, blog, and work on my book somehow. I was going over it last night and it was painful. I managed to shower and brush my teeth. I didn’t shave as it was too much for me today. I had to do things small. I made myself something to eat and had my sister’s corn chowder which was very good.

I am in the throws of depression hell. I am trying to avoid the fall into suicidal abyss. Nothing really set me off. I woke up feeling depressed and it just got worse as the day grew on. I am not thinking about anything in particular. I just feel morose.

I got some feedback about my book and it was that the transition should be living your best life. I don’t know what that is or what it looks like. I am not there yet. I am still struggling to be comfortable in my own body. Last night I was reading the rest of Henry Adams and my stomach just felt so heavy. It felt like I had something hard under my diaphragm. All I had to eat yesterday was the turkey sandwich and stuffing. I didn’t eat anything else.

I wanted something chocolate so I had my Ben and Jerry’s chocolate fudge brownie. I ate the whole pint. It was so good. I just took my night meds. I also set my alarms for tomorrow as my therapy appointment is at 11. I don’t want to oversleep. I slept through our appointment once and I don’t want to do it again.