What’s your favorite thing about yourself?
Sarcasm
Juneteenth 2023
My cousin called me around 11 and that woke me up. I had made plans with him for him to take me to the Square so I could do a few errands. It was a quick trip. I was back home within an hour. Now my foot is flared up. I am debating on taking something for it. I am so tired of being in fucking pain. Last night I had a dream and it wasn’t a good one. I felt suicidal when I woke up. Thankfully the feelings didn’t last long.
I am going to try and clear off my bed so I can wash my bedding. I also need to work on my personal statement a little bit. A friend said that I should include more things about me so they know me as what I wrote is pretty short and to the point. She felt it could be a bit longer.
I took a couple hours nap after I did my errands. I was feeling really tired. I didn’t want to go out but the errands had to be done. My niece made baked cauliflower again and I had the last of it. It has been the only thing I have eaten all day. My appetite has been off and on. Some days I eat and other days I don’t.
I feel really depressed. It’s hard to concentrate. I just want to lay down and do nothing. I am in pain. Foot flared up soon after I came home. I am exhausted dealing with pain every day again. Every day my foot and ankle remind me they are “there”. That is the best way to describe CRPS. The pain is unpredictable and changes daily. So frustrating. I know my therapist would want me to do something to help my depression but I am so tired. I just want to sleep. I am listening to music now. I will probably listen to the game tonight. That is if I can stay awake.
What’s the oldest thing you own that you still use daily?
Probably my mother’s mixer that was my grandmother’s. There is also an ironing board that is over 60 years old
Three cup of coffee day
I was up in the middle of the night again. I colored for a little while until I couldn’t decide what color to pick next. My indecision lead me to read for a bit. I am reading Choosing to Live by Thomas Ellis and Cory Newman. It is a CBT book to deal with suicidal thoughts and behaviors. It asked two questions which I think I am going to blog about in the coming week. I highlighted it and wrote it in my journal so it is easily accessible.
I got up around 10 when my med alarm went off. I took my meds and checked the messages on my phone. Then I sent out Happy Father’s Day messages to my friends and family. I then went to make coffee. My sister came home from grocery shopping and then started making potato salad for the BBQ my other sister is having for her husband. After my second cup, I went upstairs to my room. I had gotten a flyer from UMB about the Fall semester. I decided to look into their appeal app thing to see what I would need for it. It is basically an academic agreement that I will do better. I do need “supporting” evidence which I am not sure what that consists of. I asked my psychiatrist for a letter and emailed my advisor to let her know. I hope that she and I can come up with a plan. Trouble is I am not sure I can come up with the $2K needed for the one class I want to take. I am going to see if I can be put on a payment plan if I can’t get financial aid after my appeal.
I had a burger today. It was good. I went outside in my yard for a little bit till the sky got really gray and dark so I came in the house before it rained, if it did again. Never know in Boston when it is going to rain. I got such a headache for two days now. I don’t know why. I feel like shit, mentally and physically. Some of the exhaustion I felt has gone away with taking the iron pills the past week and half or so. I just wish my sleep was better. I keep waking up in the middle of the night. I am so tired in the morning. Sometimes I end up having energy in the afternoon and am able to get things done but that hasn’t happened in a while. I haven’t been able to leave the house in a couple of days. I need to get my epipen and put some money on my Tpass. I wanted to go today but it was raining and I didn’t feel like going out in the rain. I will go tomorrow as my cousin is going to take me to the Square.
I have been feeling really sad. I have been trying to watch videos on Instagram that make me laugh. Panda videos are my favorite. They are just so cute. It makes me smile and temporarily forget the pain. I’ve been listening to Linkin Park’s Lost song. It has so many feels. I saw pics of my mother that my sister had printed out at Walgreens. There was a pic that was taken last Christmas while she was in the hospital. It was her last Christmas.
midnightdemons7 
You must be logged in to post a comment.