Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

someday

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Someday

I woke up again around 430. I had something to drink and was able to get back to sleep. It was a rough night. I kept thinking about things I need for the hospital and what I want to bring. I have most of my clothes packed. I just need a couple of tshirts and PJ pants that don’t have strings.

I told my niece I will be going in the hospital. She supports me. Today is my half birthday. I don’t know how it got to be Friday. Seems like yesterday was Monday. I haven’t worked on my personal statement since Monday. I am feeling heartache today. I am just so damn down. I have been thinking of maybe going in the ED Sunday night so if there are discharges on Mon I can get in somewhere. I would like to go back to the hospital I was in back in October but there is no guarantee they will have a bed. I just realized the only thing I ate yesterday was two cake pops. I think I had Ensure but I don’t remember. I just don’t want to eat.

I am topless in my room. I had to take my shirt off as I am trying to get used to the new me. I don’t like my belly and I think that is why I am having trouble eating. It is something I am working on though. I figure if I drink a few ensures and nothing else, the weight will drop. Hasn’t worked though for some reason. I know part of it is that I haven’t been active. I hate that I can’t walk like I used to. It kills me that I used to walk at least two miles at a time and now I can’t go more than four blocks without getting tired.

Feeling low

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I saw my surgeon today after they woke me up to schedule an appt. I rushed in the office, not having coffee or something to eat. Surgeon said the swelling is the chest wall so that is good. I changed my pcp appt to in person as I was in the area. After the surgeon, I went to Starbucks for a mocha.

I sat outside my pcp’s office building as I had some time to kill. I was in a bitchy mood. I just wanted to sleep. I had a rough time sleeping (see previous post). I was still in pain with my chest and leg. I finished the mocha and went upstairs. I forgot what floor the clinic was on so hit the wrong button. I was feeling really depressed. My pcp came in and said she saw my message to my psychiatrist. We talked about what to do and I agreed to go inpatient on Monday. I figure that will be better trying to get a bed than today or tomorrow.

I came home and looked for my backpack. I found it in my closet. It had some clothes in it. I took it out. Also had a journal. No idea when I started writing in it. I still haven’t opened it. I don’t really care. I messaged my therapist and she didn’t understand. Told her bed availability might be better Mon and haven’t heard back from her. I don’t care. I then took a nap. I slept pretty good. Now I don’t know if I will sleep tonight.

bad night of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, depression, FTM, gender dysphoria, grief

Bad night of pain

I was listening to the game and it was tied so I decided to shower as I smelled. After the shower, as usual, I was exhausted and then my foot/ankle flared up on me. It is still hurting. The Sox lost and I am upset about it because they had so many chances to win. It was an up and down game so really hurt to lose.

I had therapy yesterday and my therapist really upset me. She said that I don’t need to be in the hospital and said I could go to the ED but they won’t do anything for me. I know this isn’t true. She didn’t evaluate me on my suicidal risk so she really doesn’t know how bad I just don’t want to be here. I think if she knew that, she might change her mind. She thinks I need partial but I don’t want to go to skill groups. I think they are a waste of time for me because I can’t really grasp things like I used to and besides, these things take practice. I can learn it from a book more than a group setting. The book I am reading now on CBT and suicidal thinking is helping more than anything else that I have read on the subject. Book is called choosing to live. It is an excellent book. I was in a mood yesterday so didn’t bring it up like I wanted to. There was a section I read that I wanted to share with her. She makes me so angry. I don’t know why she doesn’t trust me that I know better of what can help me when I need help. I think being in the hospital will help me because it has in the past. It kind of resets me. Right now I am not doing good. I am not eating or sleeping right. I am tired all the time. I wish I were dead. I also know that maybe spending a few nights away from home will help me with my PTSD of listening out for my mother so that maybe my sleep will get back on track. I know my mother is gone but I still listen out for her every time I am awake during the middle of the night. I’ve tried to calm myself by saying it is ok and that she is gone so no more looking out for her but that just makes me sad and I miss her even more. Grief is a hard thing.

I am so tired and wish I could sleep. My sister left her room so I am waiting for her to go back to it. It is so stupid that I am listening to this shit.

I made a bacon sandwich when I got up but it didn’t taste good. My taste buds are off. Even my coffee didn’t taste good. I had a pop tart, too. It was okay. That was the only thing that tasted right today. I haven’t eaten anything else today. I really want pasta but I don’t feel like cooking. I had an Ensure that I take with my meds as I need 350 calories to take for it.

Tomorrow I have three appointments. I have PT, then my pcp appointment, then the bereavement group. My therapist thinks I should have some time with the group before I go in the hospital as I said I would give it another two weeks time. She thinks grief is going to take longer. She might be right. I don’t know I just feel so damn lost.

I have been having nerve pain in my chest on the left side and it is freaking me out. I know it isn’t cardiac because I am not having any other symptoms but damn, the pain is so intense. It is like a stabbing pain. The swelling on my right hasn’t gone down and now I am wondering if maybe I should be massaging it or something. I sent a message to the NP to see if that will help. It just looks like I have breast tissue again and it is bothering me. I hope that what I feel isn’t fat as that will take more than massage to get rid of.

I haven’t had the time to think more about my personal statement for UMB. I got the letter from my psychiatrist which doesn’t say much other than that he cleared me for attending classes. I wish my psych was still my psych so she could write something for me that would help me other than just clearing me for classes. I guess they need detailed information. Just lovely. Ugh. I can do this. I wrote a damn memoir for crying out loud. Why is this so hard? I am currently working on another memoir. I have gotten so good at being concise in my writing, I find it hard to expand on things. Some story teller I am.

One of the groups I am in on Facebook posted about a trans book. I plan on getting it next week when I get paid. I am also planning on getting a t-shirt that says Baseball Isn’t Boring. I think that will be cool to get. I am a hard lover of baseball.

Countries you want to visit #WPD

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

What countries do you want to visit?

England. Ireland to see Carol Anne. And Austrailia