I had therapy and even though I have been with her for four years, today I feel like I can finally trust her and try and be more open with her. It has taken a lot. I’ve had two suicide attempts with her, one nearly fatal. We talked today how I have no filter between my suicidal thoughts and planning. I’ve known this for at least six or so years. I told her I still have thought of just saying fuck it and ending it. I’m not really acutely/actively suicidal but the risk remains. Yesterday was a case in point where I got really frustrated and wanted to harm myself. It is going to take some real hard work on my part to get through this. Suicidal ideation has been a part of my life for nearly forty years. It isn’t going to happen overnight. In some respects, you can say I am addicted to suicide. People have given themselves up to the higher power to be relieved of their addiction. I’m not there yet. I still believe in the serenity prayer though.
I have some time before my next appt. I’m sitting in the Cafe with a mask on because I don’t want to get sick. I haven’t been feeling really well the past couple of days so I don’t want to spread what I have either. My throat has been scratchy and I’ve been sneezing a lot.
I have my book with me but I’m having a hard time concentrating. Thoughts about therapy have been floating. We talked about the DMH decision and I am going to appeal it. I am going to send her a copy of the letter I got. She thinks i do have a diagnosis for services. I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist.
You have three magic genie wishes, what are you asking for?
1. World peace 2 a billion dollars 3 I don’t know
Fucking aggravated
So I was on hold today for over 40 minutes for the work verification and I can’t get in for another 48 hours because I got locked out. The worst part was that I kept getting called Ma’am the whole time. Like it’s fucking 2023, why are you not asking people’s pronouns on customer service calls?? Is it that fucking hard? I asked if they can mail it and they said it could be up to two weeks. I need this form by Thurs so that doesn’t work for me. I will have to call back on Wed and to see if I can get it which means I have to go through the process again. Fuckers really ticked me off.
It was raining, again, today so I decided to Doordash my grocery order rather than go out. I got my lunch and half and half. Now I am fucking broke. I wanted the afternoon to read but I don’t feel like reading as I am annoyed. Might shave with my electric shaver. Only thing is, I sometimes get hair dust and it leaves a mark. I hate it.
I have therapy tomorrow and I go for my CT for my head. I hope they find something wrong to explain the headaches. I woke up again with them today. They weren’t as bad as last week but still. I feel crummy for the whole day because my head is out of sorts. I will be in Boston for more than a few hours as my therapy appointment is two hours before the CT appointment. I might go to the museum that is free. I haven’t gone yet. I might also go to Starbucks to read for a bit. I will bring my bag with me so I have it just in case I do feel like reading.
I am going to read over the suicide doc I wrote the other night. I also read the post I sent my therapist over the weekend. I hope we don’t do EMDR tomorrow as we are in person but I do hope we can talk about my suicidality without me going to the ED afterwards. I am not suicidal but talking about my suicidality can stir the feelings pot. I won’t act on them as I will be out of the house. It is a lot to deal with as I have been suicidal for nearly forty years. Most of the reason is because I knew I wasn’t a boy and somehow dying just felt like the right thing to do about it. At that age, I had already the all or nothing decision making.
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