Author: Midnight Demon

Saturday Blog 17062023

I took a shower last night and it flared up my CRPS foot. I was in agony throughout the ballgame. I couldn’t sleep after the game. I tried and pain kept me up or my thoughts did. I eventually fell asleep after 0100. I briefly was up around 12 to take my meds and then I went back to sleep. I only got up around 1630 to have some coffee. I am not hungry. I feel really tired. It’s raining out and tonight’s game has been postponed for tomorrow.

A friend texted me today saying they have nerve pain and is seeking treatment for it. They don’t know how I live with it day in and day out. It is not an easy thing to live with. Since top surgery, I have had these kind of pain in my chest. Some days are better than others. I find that the more I try and stretch out the scar tissue, the worse pain I am in. But the scar tissue is limiting my movement so I need to try and work it out. I am shirtless in my room. It has been so hot in my room that I just don’t want to wear a shirt. Trouble is, it sets off the dysmorphia. I know I need to talk about it with my therapist. It is just I forget most of the time because the grief is more pressing.

I feel so vulnerable right now. I feel like I could OD on something just so I could die in a few days time. I got denied financial aid at UMB. In order to be reconsidered, I have to write a personal statement and submit supporting documents. I  think I am just going to withdraw. There is no way I can come up with four grand a semester for two classes on my income. I can maybe afford one class. So my dream of getting my degree is probably not going to happen. All because I am 4% points off their scale. Sucks.

I am tempted to tell my therapist this fleeting idea of OD’g. I don’t think she will like it and may try and curtail me. I know I could just end up back in the hospital. I don’t know what I want to do. I feel awful. I am depressed. I am sad. Nothing gives me joy or pleasure. I am in pain most of the time. Not even taking my T shot gives me pleasure it once did. I think I have reached a plateau with my transition. I don’t want bottom surgery because I like my clit too much. Beside there is no guarantee that having phalloplasty will give me pleasure. It isn’t like I will cum like a man will. It won’t feel the same. So I will stay as I am.

I got this emptiness inside me that has taken over me. Most of the time there are black clouds that follow me around. I feel so sad. I don’t think I will ever be happy or content. Just always miserable.

Food allergies suck

Last night I went out to eat at new Chinese/Japanese place with my sister. I was worried about my ginger allergy but didn’t think to tell the waitress about it. One of the appetizers was “contaminated” with ginger and I reacted. My mouth swelled up but there was no throat constriction like before. We came home and I took some Benadryl. The game was in a rain delay as there were t-storms coming through. It got really loud and downpours happened. By the time the game started like two hours later, I was toast. I went to bed. I wanted to take another dose of Benadryl around midnight and I woke up but wasn’t thinking. I just checked the score of the game (they won finally!) and went back to sleep. Around 4am I woke up hungry and had some fig bars. My mouth was still swollen so I took some more Benadryl. I knew I was going to have a hard time getting up. I needed to get my prescriptions in the Square and had to call a cab to get there. I checked my epipen to see if it expired and it had so I sent a message to my pcp requesting another one.

Around 1030, I finally got up. I took my meds and my gums were still sore in spots. I felt like shit from the Benadryl. I needed coffee. I made two cups and then booked a cab to come around 1230. I went to the little grocery store as I had to use the cab for food or medical appointments. I bought some cauliflower and more half and half. Then I went to the pharmacy to get my meds. There was a line longer than anticipated. I was there for at least a half hour as there was just one girl working there and the customer ahead of me had their prescription misplaced somewhere. It took two people to find it. I thought I had just two prescriptions but stupid auto refill had filled another script without my knowledge. I’m glad I don’t have to pay for my meds right now or I would be stuck coming up with cash I didn’t have.

I went home and felt like shit. I made another iced coffee as I was thirsty. I put my groceries away. I had an hour to kill before the bereavement group met. I went to the utility cabinet to get some soap I hoped would entice me to shower later. I found my mother’s shampoo and nearly had a meltdown. There were three bottles of it left. It left me feeling so much grief.

The bereavement group went ok. I told them how hard my week has been and that my therapist is worried about me. Before we ended yesterday she asked what would I do if I became unsafe. She doesn’t normally ask this of me. I wasn’t right yesterday. I was not right today. I am not okay. I don’t know if I will be. I don’t want to be in therapy. I don’t want to talk anymore. I just want to be left alone. My heart is breaking into pieces.