Author: Midnight Demon

I woke up around 3am and have been up since. I had I think three cups of coffee. I had therapy. I wasn’t too talkative. I was just struggling to keep myself awake. We talked about my mother’s deteriorating condition. I also told her I found out my best friend’s mother has about two weeks left to live. So fucking hard. I told her my mother called me her son in the ED. I still am shocked.

Yesterday was a hard day when my mother came home from the hospital. My aunts came over and I pretty much yelled at both of them. Wasn’t anything serious. They were being stupid and I wasn’t going to have it. One of my aunts dead named me and pissed me off. She had done this several times already and I just flew off the handle. We have a new hospice company for my mother. Hopefully they will be better than the one we had.

I’ve been trying to rest most of the afternoon. I made some chicken breast for lunch. It was good. I have been feeling low all day. I have to get my meds tomorrow. It is supposed to be bad out but I just wasn’t able to go today. I didn’t feel like getting dressed and going out. I haven’t showered in a few days. It has been tough. I’ll try to shower tomorrow. I haven’t brushed my teeth today. Think I will do that before bed.

I woke up around 0240 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I took some meds because my foot was bothering me. I also was getting spasms in my leg. I did some bicep curls to do some exercise. It helped take my mind off things.

I got out of being lazy and put the extra dose of antidepressant in my med box for the remainder of the week. I didn’t think I had enough, but I did. Later today, after the hospice nurse leaves, I’ll go to the pharmacy and get my prescriptions. I might go to Starbucks, too. I am craving a mocha. I will need the espresso for PT. I am hoping she will let me use the treadmill at an incline as I keep having trouble walking uphill. I get really short of breath.

I sent an email to the financial aid office at UMB. I hope they can tell me what else I’ve been awarded if anything so I can plan on what classes to take. Right now I am thinking of taking Italian 101 and college algebra. I don’t think I can handle four classes so I am just taking two, maybe a third as I have to take a world culture class but not sure I can take Ital 101 and 100 at the same time. I changed the advising meeting because it conflicted with PT. Hopefully, that will be my last PT session.

I am so tired but I just cannot sleep. I keep worrying about my mother and household bills. I really wonder how I am going to afford things once she goes and afford college. I am thinking of going on a payment plan but not sure how much I will need to pay. It overwhelms me but I want to get my degree really bad. Sadly, my mother is not going to be around when I graduate. That is a hard reality for me. It makes me really sad.

Having an emotional day and can’t write. Just so upset

Saturday Blog 11032023

It has been a nerve wracking day. I sent my mother to the hospital yesterday afternoon because she wasn’t right. She was severely dehydrated and she hadn’t had a bowel movement in over a week. The ED is trying to make her poop. They fixed the dehydration with fluids. She could come home tomorrow if she poops and continues to do well. Unfortunately, her cancer has doubled in size and she has a partially collapsed lung. They did say it was an aggressive cancer. I didn’t want to believe that until now.

I spent most of the night worrying about my mother. I didn’t go to sleep till after 0300. I woke up to my phone blowing up with messages and phone calls. I didn’t want to deal with any of it. I was suppose to call the pharmacy to fix a mistake they have but never called. I was too tired to be put on hold. I will try tomorrow morning.

Yesterday I made pork chops and forgot about them as my mother was sick and I was trying to get her to go to the hospital. They turned into rocks. My niece had to throw them away. I was looking forward to them. Oh well. I made vegetables yesterday. My niece and I are addicted to cauliflower. We bake it with cheese and breadcrumbs in the oven and it comes out so damn good. That is all we have been eating all week.

I just did my meds for the week. I have this week of full meds and vitamins and then next week will just be meds. I can’t take any vitamins a week before surgery. I am trying to imagine what it will be like to be flat chested again. I cannot wait. I know it will be uncomfortable for a few weeks after surgery. I am a side sleeper so this is really going to suck. I might have to sleep downstairs in the recliner for a few days.

My sisters come home tomorrow. I don’t know what time they will be home. Hopefully my mother will also be home.