Author: Midnight Demon

I had the pre op appt with my surgeon today. He told me I will need to move around after surgery to prevent blood clots because I am overweight. He said I needed the surgery. The secretary is going to get the final okays from my pcp and mental health teams. I had Anesthesia call today. Was told what to stop and take a week before surgery and the day of. I am surprised they aren’t having me shower with the stuff I had to when I had my hysterectomy. I texted my sister the time of my surgery. I have to be at the hospital at 530 for 8am op. Eighteen days. I am so excited.

After my appt, I did some food shopping as I needed half and half. I then picked up my scripts as they were finally ready. I only waited all week for them.

I came home and the dramatic aunt was over. I put the things away and my mother gets sick. She hasn’t moved her bowels in a week. She goes to her bedroom. I give her some stuff to make her puke. Half hour later she is puking again. My aunt is having a heart attack and I am getting angry with her. I called the hospice nurse as I didn’t know what to do. I gave her some Zofran. The nurse said I could give her some Haldol but that would knock her out. I figured if the Zofran didn’t work, then I would try the Haldol. She didn’t eat lunch. She was able to have dinner. Half a turkey sandwich. Her sugar is still high but is coming down. I am wicked worried. Then her other sister called after the drama queen left and I nearly lost my temper. My mother was sleeping finally. Leave the fucking woman alone.

I had a hard time settling down last night. I read two chapters of the Adler book and it didn’t help because the chapters were short. I read them in like 20 minutes. I did wake up early today. I am tired but wired. I will probably read another two chapters tonight. It is good reading.

Weird but fucking beautiful

I had a hard time sleeping last night so I read my new book. I just read the introduction. I will read more of it tonight. Even after I read the intro, I couldn’t go back to sleep. My mind kept thinking about my mother and if I should go downstairs to check on her. I woke up around 10 to pee and then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I think I got up around 1 to have coffee. I made chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner. My mother didn’t eat too much. We saved what she didn’t eat. She said she would have it “later”.

I got an email from UMB financial aid office. I had to submit a disability form and I need a doctor’s note. What it is to say I have no idea as they didn’t give too much information on the website so I sent another email back to the office. It is becoming more real that I will be going back to college in the fall. I just hope that I will be able to afford it. That is my biggest worry.

Nineteen days till my top surgery. I am wicked excited. Tomorrow I see the surgeon. I just hope to god I can wake up early as it is a morning appointment. I am hoping nerves will wake me up and not keep me awake. I set my alarm so I am hoping to get up. I hate morning appointments. I wish I had a cab voucher but I don’t. They expired the end of Feb. I am supposed to get new ones but haven’t yet. I hope the program hasn’t been canceled.

I am feeling tired. Also feeling a little dysphoric as I can feel the weight on my chest from the things on it. I cannot wait till they come off. I don’t now if I am going to get nipples or not. I want small ones. I am going to tell the surgeon this. I just hope they are what I want. I also got to ask how long I will be wearing the compression vest or binder. I am not sure what I will be wearing. I am so nervous.

I got it!! My amended birth certificate arrived today!! I am so fucking excited!!

Crabby mood today

I had a difficult time sleeping last night. I had set my alarm for 0830 so I could shower before the social worker or my aunt got here. It didn’t happen. I woke up and I was in such a fucking mood. My aunt came over and my mother was in bed. She was getting up as my aunt was here. My aunt looked at my mother’s legs and said somethings about it. Then she called my niece, not me, into the room. I got up to see how bad the swelling was and it wasn’t too bad. I have seen worse with my mother. My aunt immediately said that she wasn’t “fine”. I flipped at this point. I told her to stop her whining and shut up. She asked multiple times if I was serious. I was. I wasn’t going to deal with her bullshit today. She misgendered me the whole time she was trying to figure out if I was joking with her or not. That really made me so angry. I had my coffee in silence. I avoided talking to her as much as I could. My mother sat in the kitchen for maybe an hour and then had to lie back down again. My aunt left when she went back to bed. I was grateful.

The social worker came and we talked about things about my mother. I let my niece talk as much as she wanted to. I told her I was transgender and took my name down as I am the contact person while my sister is on her trip. It was similar to what I experienced with previous social workers. She brought up funeral arrangements and we said that my mother has a hard time with it and hasn’t given us clear information about it. I also said we haven’t talked about the spirituality piece. I don’t think she would like a chaplain coming to the house as we aren’t religious. It is too early for last rites and stuff.

I am in such a bad mood and I am trying to get out of it. I had a few cups of coffee. I am not sure if I had two or three cups. I have been feeling disconnected. I feel hurt with the misgendering the past few days. Doesn’t help that my leg has been hurting me and I can’t get comfortable to sleep. I didn’t go to PT today because I just didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want my niece to be alone. I was able to take a quick shower around lunch time. My mother had a late lunch. My cousin brought her Chinese food.

I wanted to see if my therapist had another time for this week but the time she has conflicts with my surgeon so I can’t see her. It’s ok. Maybe next week I can see her more than once. I just wanted more support as I am having a hard time with all the misgendering going on. I am trying to ignore it but it bothers me so much.

Game is not being played on the radio tonight and I am upset. My distraction is taken away from me. I might read tonight my new book. I might listen to Linkin Park instead. I don’t know. I hate when I have more than one option. It is cold in my room as it is windy out. I am wearing one of my sleeper shirts. It is light. I might have to throw on a long sleeve t-shirt.