Author: Midnight Demon

I woke up later than I wanted to today. I was hoping to be up before my aunt came over but that wasn’t meant to be. I got up at 10, used the bathroom, and then went back to my room to take my meds. I went to make coffee after the Lansoprazole tablet dissolved in my mouth. I hate that it is an oral dissolving tablet. I had coffee and a Belvita sandwich cookie. I was so fucking tired. I just wanted to go back to bed, but I had therapy.

Therapy went slow. I wasn’t too talkative. I told her what happened at the FTM meeting and she wanted me to talk about it. It was hard because I couldn’t remember why I left exactly, only that I was triggered. My anxiety was up and I just couldn’t take the conversation anymore. I told her there was a March coming up and I think I will be attending it. Might be a place to meet some people. We also talked about trying to get my mother to use son more. I am working on it but it is sometimes an uphill battle.

After therapy, I came downstairs for another cup of coffee. My mother was still up. My niece made her lunch. My other niece heated up the baked cauliflower she made last night. It was so good. My older niece made a gravy (tomato sauce). It smells so good. Can’t wait to have it with pasta tonight. My aunt left and I went back upstairs to my room to listen to the ball game. They are currently winning 7-1. There was a scary at bat where Justin Turner got hit in the face with a fastball. He is at the hospital being treated. Hope he will be ok.

I am feeling kind of down today for some reason. I’ve had three cups of coffee today to try and avoid taking a nap. I am really nervous about seeing my surgeon this week. I talked a little in therapy about it. I am doing better than I was a few months ago so I think my surgery will proceed as planned. In exactly 3 weeks it is to happen. My only concern is whether to have nipples or not. I also want to know how long to wear the compression vest. I am nervous about this as i will have to wear it for at least a week, maybe two. I am worried I won’t be able to take something wrapped around my chest for that long. I’ve tried wearing a binder one day and it was really difficult. I remember how much I sweat while just going to the store and back. I hope I don’t have to go to the pharmacy while I am recovering from my surgery the first week. I am going to try and save some money for cab fare so I don’t have to take the T if I do have to go to the pharmacy. I should have cab vouchers by then I hope if the program is still running.

I plan on starting a book by Alfred Adler called Understanding Human Nature. I talked in therapy about him. He was the first analyst to break free from Freud. He did humanistic therapy which I find fascinating. I once edited a chapter about Adler for a counseling therapy book. I learned so much from it. I have the book somewhere. I was able to get a copy of it once it was published. One of my proudest moments.

Sunday Blog 03052023

I woke up earlier than I wanted because my mother wasn’t listening to my niece so I had to intervene. I gave her her meds this morning, including pain meds. She had a good day so far. She only laid down once while my aunt was here. I made her lunch. She only had half of a half a sandwich of tuna. She hasn’t been eating much the past few days.

I am tired as I didn’t sleep again last night. I was tossing and turning most of the night. I just couldn’t get comfortable. I had my usual two cups of coffee today. I think my Keurig is on its way out as the handle keeps making a weird clicking sound and sometimes doesn’t click when you close it. It has lasted three years. I don’t know the length of time it lasts but it still works for now.

My leg has been hurting most of the day today for some reason. I moved last night while turning over and my leg didn’t like it. I see PT on Tues so will have her look at it again. I might have pulled the same muscle or something. I feel like I twisted something though and it hurts. I need to put some heat on my thigh. It helped the last time.

I have therapy tomorrow. Some nurse is supposed to come and my aunt will be over again. I love my aunt but I wish she wouldn’t come over so much as she just wants to joke about everything and she tells the same things over and over again. She is in denial that my mother has memory issues and it is hard to deal with her when she insists my mother’s memory is fine when it isn’t. It bothers me so fucking much.

I still haven’t heard back from the financial aid office at UMB regarding my financial aid package. I think I will send them another email. I sort of have an idea of the courses that I will be taking in the fall. I am going to try for three courses and see if I can do it. If I am able, it would take 5 semesters to finish my degree.

My mother is having a good day so far. I am exhausted having been up most of the night because my room was freezing as the storm brewed. I forgot to turn off my ceiling fan so it got pretty cold. Didn’t help that my sister kept going up and down the stairs as she left for her trip early this morning.

I am feeling run down. I have no energy. I started decreasing my calorie intake in an effort to lose weight before my surgery. Twenty-four days. I need to drink more as I think I got dehydrated last night. I felt dizzy and lightheaded. All I basically had was coffee and Ensure. No other fluids. I am going to try and drink some gatorade.

My room is still cold because of the wind. It seems to have stopped snowing. I need to do a little food shopping as I am out of my cookies that I like to have with my coffee. I’ll see if my cousin can take me to the store next week. I have a busy week next week. I have therapy, PT, and see my surgeon. I also have my pre-anesthesia phone call. I am nervous about seeing the surgeon. I am going to ask if I can be on the pain meds I was on before for post op pain.

My sisters are on a trip and won’t be back until the following Sunday. It just will be my niece and I taking care of my mother. We have a few hospice related visits next week as well. Hopefully it will be an easy week.

Wicked tired today so here is a pic