Author: Midnight Demon

I can’t get myself to go away

I have been listening to Long Day by Matchbox 20 all day. It came on while I was listening to the playlist and I just decided to put it on repeat. I went out to get my prescription and had lunch at Starbucks. They finally had the syrups for my snickers latte so I had that today. It was so fricken good!

It was reasonably warm today for the end of December. I didn’t need a coat like I did yesterday. I saw my mother when I came home. She was doing okay but then had to lie down as pain was bad. She took a nap and then the nurse came. My aunt was over but she left after my mother laid down. While the nurse was here, my mother’s sugar dropped to 55. I gave her some juice and a peanut butter sandwich. Her sugar went up to 71. Still worrisome but stable enough for a diabetic.

I feel really tired as I was up around 0230 this morning and wasn’t able to get back to sleep until around 0500. I feel really depressed. While I was out, I thought about going to the psych ER but I didn’t have a bag of clothes with me so I nixed the idea. I need to pack a bag and I have no idea where my LL Bean backpack is right now. I have some idea where it could be but I haven’t taken a look yet. I am in no rush as the feelings of suicidality tend to leave once I get distracted. They haven’t been lingering.

I started writing my new book last night. I wrote two pages. I plan on writing more today but I am getting tired so I don’t know if I will. I tried to write the page I wrote as it was written but I went off tangent. Now I got to find the other notebook that has a page and combine the two that I wrote as I wrote different things as I was writing this one page. I am so annoyed at myself. This is what happens when I try typing what I write up.

I forgot my shirt down my sister’s so instead of turning around on the stairs, I just walked backwards. I hurt my sciatica doing so. I got a big pain in my butt. My side is also flared up but I don’t know why. I have been taking the methocarbamol every six hours to decrease the stupid spasms in my rib cages and back.

I am not looking forward to the new year. I still have three months to get through before my surgery. In the meantime, I will be helping to care for my mother as she recovers from her surgery. In the meantime, I am going to look into going back to college to get my bachelors degree. I hope I can go back to the same university I started. I just got to figure out a way to finance the education.

A day of pain

I have been in pain all day with my back and rib muscles. I went to PT and we walked for six minutes. I did 1000 steps, stopping only one time because I got out of breath. My heart rate jumped to 154 when I was done. I had to sit and rest for a bit. Then the therapist worked on my rib cage muscles. They were sore and tight. I am completely exhausted.

I took a shower today and that really killed me. I thought about not going to PT but I forced myself to go. My back was flipping out in the shower. I took some meds to calm it down. Walking to the bus stop wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I still got out of breath though.

My PCP’s office sent me a message today about an amendment to my birth certificate. It is done and now I just need to file it with the courts or something. I got to click on the website the nurse sent me. I am so excited but now I can change my sex with the social security office. No longer will I have to put F in the sex category! I am so excited!!

I should sleep good tonight, I hope anyway. I still woke up around 3am last night to pee. It was difficult to get back to sleep but I did. Then I didn’t want to get up when my med alarm went off. I stayed in bed until 11 or so. I had two cups of coffee. I really didn’t eat anything until I came home after PT. I made a turkey sandwich. I had taken out pork chops but I didn’t feel like cooking. I will make them tomorrow for lunch.

I am going to try and stay up for another hour and then take my meds to go to bed. I am just really tired and in pain. My mood sucks. I am just completely done for the day.

Another early morning awakening

I have been up since 0300. I just couldn’t go back to sleep once I woke up. I tried but gave up around 430. I paid some bills and then ordered breakfast as I was hungry. I was able to get back to sleep for a couple of hours after I ate. I took my meds before going back to sleep. I gave myself the T shot as today was the day it is to be given.

I made coffee. I have had two cups so far. I am making chicken wings right now. I was going to use the sticky sauce but there isn’t enough wings. I was supposed to get 10 pieces and only got 8. I am not happy with my order. I complained and got a refund. I am just going to put BBQ sauce on it and have rice with it.

I need to take a shower and brush my teeth. I stink. I swear my BO smells like pepper instead of BO. I don’t know why it smells different. It has been that way since I was in the hospital. I had the delusion I was being stuffed with pepperoni and fermented cheese because that is all I could smell, especially when I had that stupid NG tube in my nose. All I could smell was like a Romano or Parmesan cheese smell. It was weird but then I was psychotic.

My mother is coming home from the hospital. I hope she will be able to make it up the stairs to the living area of the house and where her bedroom is. We have the oxygen tanks down in my sister’s apartment right now. I guess will bring it up when she gets settled. I don’t know if she will need it or not or if it is just when she sleeps she needs it. I have the morning shift tomorrow. I think my niece will watch her in the afternoon. I have PT at 4 so will need to leave the house around 3. I tried doing the tennis ball thing on my back but it was really painful and then I hit a spot that sent pain down my back so I stopped doing it. I am supposed to do other exercises but I don’t remember what they were. I know they were back exercises or hip ones. They are all the same to me at this point. I really got to start sleeping with a pillow between my legs when I sleep as the strain is causing me hip pain. I keep forgetting to grab the pillow.

Tomorrow I need to go to the Square to pick up one of my meds. I need a refill on my Ativan but because I don’t have a valid ID right now, I can’t get it. The mail hasn’t arrived yet so maybe it will come today. I hate being without a valid license. It is my own fault as I forgot to renew when I came home from the hospital. Then when I remembered, I didn’t have the money right away to do the transaction because I tried to get caught up with my bills that are overdue. I am paying off each credit card a month at a time. The hard part is not charging back up again. I do need to get new glasses in the new year. I want to get transition lenses. I have no idea what happened to the pair I bought earlier this year. They seemed to have disappeared on me. I can’t even find the case they were in. I hope I didn’t lose them but I think I did.