Author: Midnight Demon

Technical difficulties

I had therapy this morning and zoom wouldn’t cooperate. I had to go on my phone 15 minutes after session started. The app had updated and it just wouldn’t work. I uninstalled/reinstalled and I think it is working now. I had to change my password because I couldn’t remember it.

Therapy was okay. I wasn’t too talkative. We talked about my mother and her diagnosis. Not sure what is going to happen until next week when she has a doctor appointment to go over the biopsy results. We talked about what this would mean. I told her I have distanced myself from my mother for years. I had to. It was the only way for me to survive living with her. Her misgendering still bothers me. I haven’t been able to let it go as easily as the other stuff. I had to correct her last night when she said “here she comes” as I walked in the door. It is when she is stubborn on changing the pronouns I get hurt. I know she will never see me as a man. I have accepted that even before I came out to her but I just hope that maybe after my top surgery, she will change her mind? I know I am probably wishful thinking on this.

We also talked about the FTM group I will be joining tomorrow evening. She asked why the change and I told her I was having trouble connecting with another FTM resource so I am seeking another. I think it will be good to meet other FTMs in the Boston area.

I am listening to the local country radio station. I haven’t listened to my favorite DJ in so long. I miss her sweet voice. It is so good listening to new music, even if it is male dominated.

I had three cups of coffee and I am so fucking wired. I had a sandwich for lunch. I might have soup for dinner. I had an Ensure for breakfast. I don’t have much of an appetite today. The coffee is suppressing it.

Today is my niece’s birthday. We will be going to a Mexican restaurant tonight to celebrate. It should be fun. She is turning 25. I am so proud of her. I love her so much.

Exhaustion and PT

I woke up later than I wanted to so I wasn’t able to shower before my PT appointment. My mother needed test strips for checking her blood sugar so I was up and down stairs a lot today. My heart rate got up to the 130s and stayed there for a while. I got dizzy a few times for some reason. I just drank water to compensate.

When I got to PT, my heart rate was still in the 130s. It went down after I rested a bit and did some back exercises. Then we went on the treadmill. I did ok though it wore me out. She also had me do a bike for a few minutes. I was so tired after PT. I walked fairly slow on the way home because I was so tired. I also got dizzy again when I came up the stairs. BP was ok so I am not sure why I am having dizzy spells.

I have therapy tomorrow. Not sure what to talk about. I’ll probably come up with something. I did have strong urges to OD the other night so might talk about that. Not really sure why I had the urges. They have been coming in waves. I could have easily acted on my urges but I thought about the consequences of the action.

I don’t think I am going to eat dinner tonight. I’m not sure what to have and I am not really hungry. I might just have an Ensure. I just had half a sandwich for lunch as I woke up late. I just have no appetite today. I am trying to stay up till at least 8pm. I am so tired right now I could fall asleep. Trouble is, if I do, then I will wake up around 2am and be up half the night. I don’t want that.

Happy New Year 2023

Hello readers, Happy New Year to you all. I hope you find this blog helpful and enjoy reading my daily struggles with depression and being trans as well as occasionally being suicidal and how I deal with it.

I have been up the past hour. I woke up to pee around 0230 and had trouble getting back to sleep. I stayed up for a couple of hours, maybe more. I got chest pain in my pec muscle. It really bothered me so I stopped coloring and then went back to bed. The pain is still in my muscle as we speak. I am going to put some heat on it in a little bit to see if that helps at all.

I have been doing the knee to chest exercise my PT wants me to do. I am having trouble with my left leg. Every time I pull my knee up, my thigh hurts really bad. This has never happened before so I don’t know what to do. I thought it was just because I haven’t moved my leg in so long with being in the hospital but now I am wondering if there is something else going on.

I had coffee before I took my meds. I had gone downstairs to pee and needed coffee. I have to brush my teeth as I didn’t do it yesterday. Past two weeks I seem to brush every other day. I can’t seem to get myself to do it every day for some reason. It really bothers me because I know I have more than a few cavities and I don’t want them to get worse. I got to call tomorrow to have them filled as one of my tooth is broken and keeps getting food stuck in it.

My brother in law is supposed to take my AC out of the window today. I hope it happens so that I can start working on the other side of the room to access my closet. I really need to get my button down shirts ready for my surgery. I bought some hangers that go down so I can hang them up behind my door. They haven’t come in yet. They were supposed to come in the other day but I haven’t gotten the message it has been delivered.

I need to take a shower today. I think I might take it this morning. I sweat a lot last night as my shirt was wet when I woke up this morning. I hope that when the AC is out of the window, I can open the window a bit and let some fresh air in the room. I hope that helps with the temp as my room gets really hot. Weather has been really warm for winter.

I got a lot of appointments this week. Tomorrow I have PT, Wed is therapy, and Thurs I see my psychiatrist in person for the first time since the pandemic began. I guess the new rules for controlled substances is that you have to be seen in person at least once a year. It can’t be done all virtually. I just hope he trusts me enough to give me a month supply of medication now rather than two weeks. I priced one of my meds in the early morning and it is $80 for a 30 day and 90 day script. There is no way I can afford a two week supply with that kind of co-pay. I just hope he can understand this. I know my depression is bad but I am not suicidal. Because I am not eating right, I lost four pounds. I will take it as I am eager to lose weight this year before my surgery. I would like to lose twenty-five pounds over the next few months.

I have my eye appointment in a couple of weeks. I really need to have the exam because when I am reading the right side of the page is blurry. I know it is because of my right eye is weak but even with my glasses things are blurry. I don’t know why this is. It’s only been a year since my last exam. I lost my transition lenses so I need to replace them but I don’t have a current prescription. I am going to try and use an old frame that I have for it. I hope they will be able to do it.

I love giraffes. They are my favorite animal.