Author: Midnight Demon

Back pain sucks

I slept ok but I didn’t get up until noon time. My sister then attacked me while I was having my coffee. First it was that my mother needs 24/7 care. Then it was that I should be doing the damn dishes. I was like can I finish my coffee before you bite my damn head off? Nope, I had to listen to her bitch the whole time I was having coffee. I was not in the damn mood. The stress of the conversation caused spasms in my side and back. I am hurting so much. I had to take an Ativan and a Robaxin.

My back hasn’t hurt this bad in a while. My upper back is so tight and hurts so much. The tension is awful. I want to take a shower but I think that will make the spasms worse. I can barely move my arms without causing spasms in my sides.

I got into an argument with my middle sister today, the first fight we had since I have been home from the hospital. It really upset me because she thinks I don’t do anything around the house but I do a lot of little things. I help take care of my mother to the best of my abilities. I get her things even though it exhausts me. I can only do what I am able. Nothing more.

I feel like a fat fuck. I am really depressed. I am not suicidal though I feel like I would be better off dead. I feel so worthless. It is so hard to be when you feel so lousy. I don’t want to do a damn thing except lay on my bed. I need to change my sheets as it has been more than a month since they have been washed. I will try and do it this week. I started making headway on the corner of my room that I needed to work on. Now I got all my PJs on my bed and I don’t know what to do with them.

I had a cup of tea. I needed something hot to drink that wasn’t coffee. It was my first cup of caffeinated tea since being home from the hospital. It was good to have my Yorkshire tea again. I don’t know if it will keep me awake. I need to get up early tomorrow morning for PT. I hope I will wake up and go. It has been a long time since I last got up before 0800. I also have therapy tomorrow. I hope it goes better than last week and my zoom works.

Saturday Blog 07012023

The first Saturday of the new year. I was up in the middle of the night. I played on my laptop for a bit until my med alarm went off and then I took my meds and went back to sleep till around noon time. I had a couple cups of coffee and a sandwich with soup, my last tomato soup that I had.

My mother came up the stairs so she is now home. She immediately went to the couch to watch Hallmark channel. I tried not to get sucked in again. Every time the channel is on, I am sucked in to watching it and see how the stupid movie ends, which is the same as the previous movie, the girl falls in the love with the man and they end up together.

I have energy so far today. I don’t know if it is just restlessness or what but I plan on clearing out some stuff in my room. I need to put all the recycle in the bag and then take it downstairs to the bin. I have already had a heart rate of 150 bpm but it went down. It is now 110 bpm. I hate going up and down the stairs but I had to get my mother’s stuff and take it upstairs so a lot of work.

I was missing music on my phone so I had to connect my old phone to the laptop to transfer the songs. It is an acoustic version of Mary Chapin Carpenter’s performance at the Wolf Trap. I love the songs. Some of the songs are new from her latest album. It was good to hear it as an acoustic version.

I need to shave my head today and shower as my sister says I smell of sweat. I am not surprised as I have been sweating really bad the last few days. Mostly it is because I overextended myself with walking and being hot under the covers with the heat blasting. I have the ceiling fan going and the window open to get my room temp cool. It is still warm despite this. I just brought the commode up the stairs and my heart rate went berserk. It went up to 160 bpm. It went down but man, I really need to see the doc about this because the anxiety it causes ain’t fun.

I am tired now so I don’t know if I will clear that corner of the room I want to clear. I started moving stuff and caused a domino effect. Everything fell and I didn’t care. I still got to brush my teeth. Maybe I will do that when I shave my head. I don’t think I will take a shower today. I am not feeling it. I feel so bloody anxious even though my pulse has gone down. I hate when it goes up because when it comes down I am anxious as fuck.

It has been a few days since I worked on my book. I really don’t know what to right or how to write it, like structure wise. It is all based on my experience of being trans and getting gender affirming care. I want to write about the trials and tribulation you go through trying to get a surgeon for top surgery. I also want to write about the process of changing sex on birth certificate. A lot of paperwork goes into it. It is going to cost me $114 for two certified copies and the original.

Tomorrow we will be having a birthday party for my niece and mother. I got a present for my niece but I ordered it late and it might not come until Mon. Her birthday was last week and we went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant in town. It was good food. I still am thinking about the nachos which was so damn good. I don’t know what kind of cheese they used but man was it yummy. My sister is making a mess in the kitchen making the cakes. I hope it will be a good day and my sister feels better. She is feeling sick with the flu or something.

Another tiring day

I woke up in the middle of the night and had trouble falling back to sleep. I think I might have snoozed until my med alarm went off. I had a cup of coffee before going down to watch my mother for a little bit. The coffee upset my stomach for some reason. I had some rice for lunch and that didn’t settle it. Eventually it went away but I still haven’t had anything to eat other than the rice.

I went to see my pdoc. I was tired even before I got to the hospital. They had opened one of the buildings near the T station and it was easier to walk through the hospital than it was traveling through the streets to get to the building I needed to go to. It was a short appointment. We talked about meds. He went up on my antidepressant as I was on a low dose. I see him in a month.

I then went to the grocery store in the Square to get some half and half. I also bought some deli meat so I can make a sandwich. By the time I got to the pharmacy, I was so winded and exhausted. I was grateful my prescriptions weren’t ready yet so I could sit and rest for a little bit. The bus was at the station when I got there so I didn’t have to wait. I was glad. I just wanted to go home.

Tonight I have my first zoom FTM meeting. I am looking forward to it. I am not sure if it is at 6 or 7pm so I will wait till after 630 to join just to be on the safe side. I am kind of nervous. Hope it goes well.