Author: Midnight Demon

PCP appointment and other things

I got up before 9 this morning which is unusual for me. I usually get up after 9 or even 11. I went to bed really early last night so I was well rested. I had a cup of coffee. My bitch sister lined up the stuff from the dishwasher in front of my coffee maker so I would put the stuff away. Then she left me a note to put the dishes in the sink in the dishwasher. So after I had time to kill after I had my coffee and did some paperwork, I did that. I left the pans though. Cuz fuck that…

The cab was early for my PCP appointment. I got to the hospital an hour before the appointment. I had some lunch and then killed some time in the waiting area before I left to go to the building I needed to go to. There was a light drizzle going on as I made my way to the building. I was like twenty minutes early. I waited. The doc called me into the room and we talked about my mother briefly. Then we talked about the palpitations and what to do about them. She wants to put me on a beta blocker but wants to clear it with my psychiatrist first so I need to wait a few days. Then she did blood work. Fun. I see her in May unless something comes up in the meantime.

I walked to the train station but stopped in one of the buildings near it as I had to use the bathroom. The mask kept on fogging up my glasses so I had to keep taking them off as I got to the station. I was breathing heavy from walking. I am still out of shape and it kills me. I snoozed a little as I rode the train. I didn’t have anything else to do so I just caught the bus home. It came fairly quickly. I am glad I didn’t have to wait because the temp dropped a bit and the wind was picking up, making it colder than it was.

I had texted my sister that I would make lemon chicken for supper. I took the chicken out the other day so it needs to be made today. I haven’t decided if I am going to cut it up or just leave it. I will decide when I make it.

I am listening to Hamilton again. It has been a long while since I last heard it. I turn the shuffle off so I can listen to it from beginning to end. I made lemon chicken and rice for dinner. It was good. My mother had a little of it. Then she gave my nieces and I a heart attack by coming up the stairs so damn fast. She exhausted herself and is resting now in her bed. Just hope she has a good night and isn’t up every hour.

Melancholy

They really should bring back the term melancholic to describe depressives. I think it is a better descriptive word than depressed as depressed can mean different things to different people. I am feeling melancholic today. I left the house to get my prescriptions and this darkness surrounded me. I felt my heart go to my feet. I was thinking about my mother and her condition. We didn’t get good news this week. I am sad about it. I never had a good relationship with my mother and probably never will. I have accepted this for a while now.

I had therapy yesterday. We talked about my mother’s condition and the stress it is causing me. I feel paranoid. We also talked about partial hospital but I am against it because I have to care for my mother right now. I would rather be in the hospital anyways. I would feel safer. I am struggling though to stay home as I don’t want another hospitalization to ruin my surgery date. It would kill me if it got postponed again.

I am feeling tired. I tried napping earlier but I didn’t sleep. I just rested. It helped to give me a little energy to take the trash out. My sister left me a note to do the dishes but it is her son’s mess and I am not going to do it. Fuck that. She can deal with it.

Tomorrow I see my pcp. I left a message for her about the palpitations that are causing me so much anxiety. I don’t know why some days are worse than others. Yesterday my heart rate was in the 150s and today I did the same things but no palpitations at all. So weird. Hopefully she can do something to have my heart rate consistent. I am tired of the up and downs as well as the chest discomfort.

I haven’t read my book all week. Doesn’t look like I will read tonight. I am not in the mood to. I am making headway. I should be done by the end of the month if I keep on track. I will try tomorrow night to get back to reading. I just don’t feel up to it.

A do nothing day

I woke up when my alarm sounded. Then I said five more minutes and didn’t get up till 11. My appointment with PT was at 915. Oops. I had coffee. I thought I had therapy at 1400 but I got my day mixed up. It is tomorrow not today.

I haven’t done much of anything other than have coffee. I did manage to brush my teeth. I haven’t eaten anything yet. I am not really hungry. I might have Ensure just to have something in my stomach. My side is hurting today and I sent a message to my pcp about the palpitations. Something needs to be done about it. It is too anxiety provoking to wait for it to calm down on its own. My chest feels like it is going to implode. I have been going up and down the stairs a lot since my mother has been home from the hospital. I have to do down to the first floor to give her her blood thinner shot. I am already tired.

This is all I can write today. I am having memories flood me from when I was in the hospital and am not in good space. I feel so out of it.