melancholy

Melancholy

They really should bring back the term melancholic to describe depressives. I think it is a better descriptive word than depressed as depressed can mean different things to different people. I am feeling melancholic today. I left the house to get my prescriptions and this darkness surrounded me. I felt my heart go to my feet. I was thinking about my mother and her condition. We didn’t get good news this week. I am sad about it. I never had a good relationship with my mother and probably never will. I have accepted this for a while now.

I had therapy yesterday. We talked about my mother’s condition and the stress it is causing me. I feel paranoid. We also talked about partial hospital but I am against it because I have to care for my mother right now. I would rather be in the hospital anyways. I would feel safer. I am struggling though to stay home as I don’t want another hospitalization to ruin my surgery date. It would kill me if it got postponed again.

I am feeling tired. I tried napping earlier but I didn’t sleep. I just rested. It helped to give me a little energy to take the trash out. My sister left me a note to do the dishes but it is her son’s mess and I am not going to do it. Fuck that. She can deal with it.

Tomorrow I see my pcp. I left a message for her about the palpitations that are causing me so much anxiety. I don’t know why some days are worse than others. Yesterday my heart rate was in the 150s and today I did the same things but no palpitations at all. So weird. Hopefully she can do something to have my heart rate consistent. I am tired of the up and downs as well as the chest discomfort.

I haven’t read my book all week. Doesn’t look like I will read tonight. I am not in the mood to. I am making headway. I should be done by the end of the month if I keep on track. I will try tomorrow night to get back to reading. I just don’t feel up to it.