Author: Midnight Demon

Birthday 2022

I turned 47 today. I had a good day. I spent the day doing nothing. I just listened to Taylor Swift and tried to rest as much as possible. I had birthday wishes from family and friends which was good. My mother called me three times from the hospital to wish me a happy birthday.

My sisters, nieces, and I went out for dinner and then we saw the Whitney Houston film. It was really good but sad. The world lost such a talented singer to drugs.

I am up past my bedtime. I wanted to write a quick note about how my day went.

Depression and therapy and other stuff

I had therapy this morning. We went over the DEARMAN skill. It wasn’t what I thought it would be but it was good to know. We talked about living a life worth living and I asked what happens to the suicidal thoughts. She gave me an explanation, saying that sometimes it is a struggle always and other times the thoughts diminish. She keeps telling me depression is hard and it is like “duh”. I told her I would write up the page I wrote while in the hospital for the new book that I am to write. I haven’t done it yet.

I got a tennis ball and placed it on my back. It is helping the knots that are there. I took about an hour’s nap after I had lunch. I had a difficult night sleeping. I wanted to shower today but haven’t done it yet. I got a haircut yesterday so need to wash my hair. I want to shave it down but I don’t know if I will have the energy to do it.

I feel really tired despite my nap. I haven’t done anything and I need to pick up my recycle as the bag fell over so now there are bottles all on my floor of my room. I haven’t been drinking fluids today and I just had two cups of coffee. I don’t know why I haven’t been drinking. I just feel so sluggish. I just want to sleep. I don’t care about anything else.

Tomorrow is my birthday. It is supposed to be really stormy. I have PT in the early afternoon. I hope I don’t get drenched as it is supposed to be rainy and windy out. My sisters, nieces and I are going to see the Whitney Houston movie that comes out tomorrow for my celebration. It should be fun. I am looking forward to it.

Not doing well

I saw my mother who is recovering from hip surgery. She was eating lunch and then the nurse gave her meds which made her sick. I had to step out. I felt so bad. She is wicked constipated and they are trying to make her go but nothing has worked so far. I hope she goes soon.

I have been feeling wicked down. I don’t want to do a fucking thing. My recycle bag fell over and now I have bottles on my floor in my room. I am so exhausted I don’t have the energy to pick them up. I just want to go to bed and it is not even 6pm yet.

My bro in law woke me up a little after 7am to get something for my sister. I took my meds and went back to sleep. I didn’t get up till around 11. The little few hours of sleep I had did nothing for my energy levels. I barely made cereal and then when I was brushing my teeth, I puked it up. Today is not my fucking day.

My sister bought me a slice of pizza. I had that and made a pot pie for dinner. I put some dishes in the dishwasher but still have not done the pans in the sink. I keep meaning to do them but I just don’t have the fucking energy.

I feel like I am headed for a breakdown. I keep thinking I need to be in the hospital but I don’t know what they will do for me other than keep me safe for a period of time. But I don’t want to lose my phone again and be without my online supports. I just feel so rotten. I know I got to do this on my own and it is so fucking hard. No one can save me but me. That is the fucking truth. Question is do I want to be saved?