Author: Midnight Demon

Therapy and PT and other things

I woke up a little after 0930 to pee and then take my meds before having coffee. I had therapy and it went ok. She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. I resolved to do at least two things a day to give myself something to do and had someone on facebook hold me accountable. I want to clear the area in front of my closet so I can get some button down shirts that I will need for my surgery recovery.

I have been tired all day. I told my therapist I have been sleeping more and have no motivation to do anything. She said it was the depression. I tried conveying to her that I essentially have a huge chunk of time on my hands until surgery and I don’t know what to do with myself but I don’t think I came across to her. It was sort of frustrating because there was nothing she could do for me. It is all up to me. And that is frightening to me.

I showered and brushed my teeth before I left for PT. I had to shower because it has been at least a week since my last one. It exhausted me but I couldn’t rest as I had to get dressed to catch the bus. PT was good. I didn’t tell the therapist I had overdosed. If she read it, that is fine but I wasn’t going to tell her. After her assessment, she said that I wasn’t in too bad a shape for being in the hospital for three months. There is some stuff to work on. She took my heart rate at the end and it was in the 120s. She had read that my heart rate was up. So she is going to keep an eye on it. Sometimes I can feel it and other times I can’t, like I didn’t know I was in the 120s. I had no palpitations or racing heartbeat. It is weird how sometimes I can feel it and other times, I can’t.

My mother is recovering from her hip surgery. I will see her tomorrow afternoon. I don’t know what time I will go. I am debating on getting a haircut then going but not sure. I haven’t decided yet. I have been listening to Taylor Swift’s album Speak Now all day. Such a good album. I have been flitting between Midnights and folklore. But today is Speak Now’s turn. I will probably listen to Rob Thomas’s someday and then Taylor’s Maroon, which is my new favorite song along with snow on the beach.

World Cup nonsense

I spent two and a half hours watching the World Cup. I thought Argentina was going to win it as Messi scored the first goal. Then France came back in the second half and now they went to penalty kicks. I shut the game off. I hate watching penalty kicks. It is a dumb way to end a game. Just let them go into overtime until someone scores a goal. I think that is fair.

I had two cups of coffee, two helpings of my Shepard’s pie, and I made four bags of spinach. I think I overcooked it but it tastes ok. I am tired. I might take a nap and it is only 1pm.

My mother had her hip surgery this morning. She is recovering as well as can be. Now I just hope she can walk without pain. I hope she does the PT that is required or she isn’t going to heal right.

I start my own PT tomorrow. I hope that it stops the spasms I have been getting in my side and back. My ankle has been bothering me on and off since I have been home from the hospital. I think doing stairs has annoyed it. I was up in the middle of the night due to palpitations. My heart rate was in the 90s and then it dropped 20 points to give me anxiety. I had to take an Ativan to calm down. I stayed up for a bit and then went back to sleep.

I have therapy tomorrow. Not sure what I will talk about. Probably about how my mood sucks and I am not sure my tiredness is because I deconditioned or due to depression. I have been sleeping more. Been eating less. My mood have been ranging from really dark to bleak. Today I have been really tired and just want to stay under the covers. It took a lot to bring down some recycles. I can’t seem to do much else. I have no energy to try and straighten things in my room. There is something I read that doing just one thing each day adds up so I am going to try that. This way I don’t get overwhelmed.

I need to take a shower as it has been almost a week since I have taken one. It is so hard when I don’t have energy. I also need to trim my beard and cut my toenails. I hate self-care. I need to get a haircut. I got to text my barber Mon to see if he has any openings on Tues. I told my sister I would visit my mother Tues. She is on one above floor where I was. I hope she will be in less pain.

Saturday Blog 17122022

I got up late today. I had taken my meds around 10 then went back to bed. I didn’t get up till around 1pm. I made some coffee and had some pumpkin pie. I called my mother to see how she was doing. She sounded good. Tomorrow she is supposed to have surgery on her hip to fix the fracture. I hope she does well and can walk better. I think she is going to be in the hospital for another week, which means she will miss my birthday.

I got a message from the pharmacy saying my prescription was ready. I was going to pick it up yesterday but the weather was awful. Today was cold but better. No rain or harsh winds. I took the bus to the square and then went to Starbucks after I picked up my meds. I then caught the bus home. I got off at a stop a few away from the one I usually do because I had to use the UPS drop off up the street. It was a long way home. I was pretty exhausted by the time I came home. I am glad I made it though.

I got my transcript from UMass. I surprisingly have a 2.1 GPA, which is much better than I thought it was going to be. Now I just need to reapply and then make an appointment with the financial aid office to see how to finance my education.

I have been feeling down today. Parts of me think I need to be back in the hospital and other parts of me say fuck that, I am not going back unless I do something. I also don’t want to go back before my surgery for fear of it getting postponed again. I am trying to take things slow and work through the distress and sadness but it is so overwhelming at times. The psychache hits me like a gut punch and I am floored. I have wicked spasms in my neck and back that are killing me. I have this tension in my legs that is annoying. I am starting PT on Monday and hope that some of these issues will be addressed. I want to have some stamina before surgery. I feel like another hospital stint will just further weaken me. At the same time, I feel like I need to be there because I can’t be safe. I am struggling with thoughts of harming myself. I still wish I were dead. I just don’t see the point in living. Yes I have my surgery and that will change will bring congruence to how I feel as a man. But then what? I just feel so empty, like I have nothing to live for. I have four months before my surgery. What do I do in this time? I’m just not motivated too much to do anything. I could write a book but am wondering if it will be worthwhile.

I read on Twitter about how a therapist at the age of 9 was too scared to talk about being suicidal because of fear of being on the psych ward. A lot of people are scared of talking about their suicidal feelings because of this. They always say to reach out but then you have people who end up killing themselves anyways. I didn’t reach out. I just acted on my feelings and almost ended up dying. I have no regrets about what I did and I would do it again if I knew (and I know) it would kill me. But I don’t want to hurt my sisters. Protective factors. It is the difference right now.

Making dinner and other things

I didn’t sleep well last night because the wind kept blowing and because I still have my AC in the window, the blinds were rattling all night and most of the day, too. I finally got up around 0930 for coffee. I had some fig bars for breakfast. Then some soup for lunch as I made Shepard’s pie for dinner. No one is home so I have it whenever I want to eat. It just came out of the oven so I am going to let it cool some before devouring it.

My mother is in the hospital. She has a broken hip that needs surgery. She was supposed to have it today but they need to do some more tests before they could do it. So she might have it done tomorrow. She is finally in a room after being in the ED for a few days. She is on oxygen because her O2 sats keep dropping for some reason. I don’t know how long she will be in the hospital. Hopefully she is out before Christmas.

I’ve had three cups of coffee today. I am kind of jittery but can go to sleep. I am so tired from not sleeping. I keep trying to do something to keep me awake. I put some stuff in the dishwasher. It isn’t full to run it. I also emptied it as my niece didn’t the other day. Her pots are still in the sink. I will have to wash them as she isn’t home. I hate washing pans. I can never get the grease out of them right.

I wanted to go to the Square to pick up my meds but it is cold, windy, and raining so I won’t be going out. I need to send a package to UPS for a return. The drop off is like up the street from me but it is a long walk and uphill so I won’t be able to walk it. I might be able to walk down but not up. Tomorrow when I go out I will just get off at the bus stop when I pick up my meds.

I let my psychiatrist know about my mother’s condition. He was glad I reached out. My pcp sent me a message this morning about the gabapentin dose but she hasn’t responded yet. My CRPS pain has returned and it is painful! I have been having burning pain and bone crushing pain in my foot. PCP wants me to use diclofenac gel, which I keep forgetting to use. It does help a little bit. They used it while I was in the hospital on the psych unit. They would put it on me. I wasn’t in a state to refuse. I just know they had it locked up in my room where they had a locked drawer. I thought that was kind of weird.

I had to take an Ativan today because my muscles were in spasm after I tried to wipe my ass. My back muscles just went berserk. It started with my side and then moved to my back. Now the spasms are in my neck. I hate it. Being cold in my room isn’t helping. Part of the reason I made soup was because I wanted something warm to eat. I can’t wait to have the Shepard’s pie. It has a lot of peas and carrots, more than meat. I kind of underestimated a pound of ground beef for the meal. I thought I would be getting a bigger package and I didn’t. I also need to make the spinach I bought. I bought baby spinach so I can have a salad.

I need to get a haircut. I think I will go next week before my birthday. I have PT on my birthday so I won’t be able to go that day. I hope PT is helpful for me and doesn’t cause me to regress. My back is so spastic at times. I really hope she will help with this.