Author: Midnight Demon

Falling down a rabbit hole

I feel myself falling into the abyss of depression. I must have thought more than a few times that I should be back in the hospital. Only thing stopping me was having to tell my family I needed to be there again. I couldn’t take the why am I going back.

I stayed in bed most of the day. My mother was taken by ambulance to the hospital as she had fluid overload and was in severe pain that she couldn’t walk. My niece was with her most of the day. They are going to keep her because her O2 levels keep dropping for some reason. They don’t know why.

It has been hard to get out of bed today. I had chicken I had to cook before it went bad. I also had to put some dishes away. I emptied half the dishwasher until my back started to hurt. My back has been spasming all day. I took some muscle relaxant. I asked my pcp for some more as I only had a three day supply. It helps and doesn’t cause me to be sedated. I just feel really blah. I texted my therapist but I don’t think she will respond. Nothing seems to set off the blahs, least not that I am aware of. I keep getting the gut punch of psychache out of no where. I don’t know why I hurt so much. It leads to suicidal thoughts and feelings. I have the means to end my life and I am happy about this. I have a way out any damn time I want it.

I keep thinking what am I going to do for four fucking months until my surgery. I am completely overwhelmed with nothing at all that I can do. I am trying to lose weight. The problem is I just don’t have the fucking energy to do anything. The weather is freezing and even though I love the cold weather, it doesn’t love me back. I tend to get out of breath quicker and also can wheeze if I push myself due to the cold. I also am out of shape so trying to walk around the block will be hard. Today it took all my efforts just to try and straighten out the kitchen and make something to eat. I feel like I can lie down again and just be out for the night. I was able to brush my teeth this morning. I still need to wash my face with the facial acne cleanser so I can try and get rid of the zits on my next and around my beard.

Today was supposed to be the day I would have had surgery had I not become in a psychotic catatonic state. Maybe that is why I am blah today. It hurts knowing that I am going to be in this state for a little while longer. I have tried to reach out to other FTMs but haven’t had luck connecting.

It feels good to have the supports of my friends that are online. I can be honest with them about how I am feeling. Days like today I just want to hide from the world though. I just don’t feel strong enough to show my face. I am trying to tell myself depression lies but it is hard to believe at times. The abyss is so strong. I am just in the dark.

Live our lives out loud

I had therapy yesterday and we talked about my leap of inquiring about going back to college to earn my degree. My therapist was like that is optimistic. I didn’t think it was just future planning on my part. We spent the session talking about that and getting my sex changed on my birth certificate. We also talked about using skills for the week when I become anxious about the intrusive memories/delusions that I had.

I received an email from UMass/Boston about returning to the university. All I need to do is reapply and give a personal statement. I guess the next step is to go down to the financial aid office and see what they can offer me to finish my degree.

I saw my pcp today. She increased my BP meds and she said that she would get my sex change on my birth certificate notarized in two weeks or so. She did order blood work today to see how my kidneys and potassium is doing.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 0230 with another headache, which I failed to mention to my pcp. I slept on and off until my med alarm went off. I took my meds and then went back to sleep, waking up a few minutes before I had to leave to catch the bus. I got dressed quickly and just grabbed my headphones and sunglasses. It was bright today. After my appointment, I went to the pharmacy and then to Starbucks for a mocha. I came home wicked tired.

I took out some chicken but it isn’t going to thaw for dinner tonight. I think I am going to make grilled cheese and have tomato soup with it. I fell in love with the tomato soup in the hospital. I would order it for lunch and dinner. It was pretty good.

I need half and half so been making a grocery list of things. Got a bunch of veggies this time around for my mother. I want to make Shepard’s pie so I ordered the stuff for it. My mother usually has some as I keep it basic.

I am so fricken tired. I think I am going to take my meds early and go to bed. I am having a hard time staying awake. I don’t have anything else planned for the week. I am hoping the visiting nurse will see me for the last time tomorrow morning. Then I can start PT without problems next week.

Box of English Bulldog puppies