Author: Midnight Demon

Taking a leap

I was awakened around 3 or 330, I forget, but I had a severe migraine-type headache. I took some meds, went to the bathroom, then tried to fall back to sleep. I did only to wake up around 630 with the severe pain in the back of my head instead of the front. I took some Excedrin migraine tablets and couldn’t go back to sleep. I finally gave up around 9, when I took my morning meds. I had some coffee and a yogurt for breakfast. My mother had gotten up but was in a lot of pain with her leg so I made her breakfast.

I  found out today was the birthday of evermore, Taylor Swift’s 9^th studio album so I have been playing it since I got back to my room around 10. I had something to eat around 1130. My sister decided to clean house so I couldn’t sit down because she had the kitchen in disarray. She had the sink full of some kind of cleaner for the floor as she had a mop in it. Pissed me off as she had started at like 7am this morning with the bathroom and the stuff in the bathroom was still in the hallway. I hate when she cleans as she doesn’t finish the room she starts in just goes to the next room. So annoying.

I broke down two boxes in my room so that counts as cleaning. I tried finding my AA batteries for my sister, which I know I have but since my sister went through my drawer, I don’t know where anything is anymore. The batteries are missing.

I took a leap and inquired about college. I wrote to the admissions office asking if I could return as a transfer student to finish my degree. I haven’t been in college since 2008 so I hope my credits still count. If they do, I will have about 9 classes to take to finish, which ideally is two semesters, but that is full time. I don’t think I will be able to handle four classes so I will just go part-time. The goal is to get my degree by the time I am 50, three years from now. I turn 47 in two weeks, well more like twelve days. I am looking at the fall of 2023 if it is possible and I can get a grant or scholarship to finance my studies. I doubt I will be able to get a loan because I fucked up that avenue. I also got my loans forgiven so I can’t apply for federal loans anymore. I might be able to get a bank loan but my credit sucks so I doubt it. I requested my transcript just to see how many W’s are on it. I know my GPA is like 0 because I technically failed two classes, one was because I didn’t withdraw before the due date and the other was because I withdrew from college and didn’t fulfill the requirements for an extension. It was really hard to withdraw from the college but I was very psychotic and the meds I was taking was interfering with my thinking. I couldn’t concentrate right. Plus at the time I was full time working, working like 50 hours a week just to make things meet. Now that I am disabled and have a shitload of time on my hands, I think I can handle one or two classes.

I have therapy tomorrow. I hope that the snafu with the wrong provider gets corrected before the time we are to meet. I had let her know Wed that it was scheduled wrong and she was to fix it but it still isn’t. Only other appointment this week I have is with my pcp for Tues. I got to get my blood pressure rechecked and go over the new med. I will need a new script if she continues on the dose I am on. My blood pressure readings have been up and down. I got a scare when I took it last night. I got a reading of 164/142! I retook it and it was much lower. I was happy about that. I just hope she doesn’t want blood work.

Saturday Blog 10122022

In the sports world, France beat England in the World Cup and the Army/Navy football game is underway. I am rooting for Navy. I wanted to be a sailor a long time ago and never got a chance because of my mental illness.

I went out today. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions. Tues I will have to pick up one more as I am out of the new blood pressure pill I am. I see my pcp then. She will decide if I am to stay at the current dose or go up on it. I have a feeling I will have to go up on it as my blood pressure readings have been high. My pulse rate has been down to 100 or less. I haven’t gotten palpitations in two days now. I was very out of breath when I came home. I started wheezing a little bit and thought I would have to use an inhaler. It quieted down some after a while.

I was up early this morning. I woke up around 330 with a wicked migraine. I tried going back to sleep but I had to pee and when I returned to my room, I was up. No chance of going back to sleep. I ordered breakfast around 630. I had a cup of coffee and I guess the food and caffeine was enough to send me back to dreamland. I didn’t get up again till after 1230. I had another cup of coffee and a piece of pumpkin pie for lunch. I wasn’t too hungry. For dinner I just had two Ensures for the protein. I am trying to lose weight for the surgery. So far I have lost three pounds. Not much but I am getting there. I have to try and lose the weight I gained while in the hospital.

My cousin called to see how I was. She had spoken to my other cousin who told her I was in the hospital so she wanted to make sure I was home before sending me a birthday card. She sends me one every year along with a Christmas card. We talked for more than a half hour catching up with things. It was so good talking to her. I really miss her. I thought about her most of the time I was on the psych unit. I wanted to call her but thought if I called with the hospital number she would worry. I couldn’t use my cell phone while in the hospital. Hard to believe I have only been out for almost three weeks now and I feel like I just left yesterday.

I did my med box for the week, filling both AM and PM slots. I am not on that many meds anymore so it took me a short time to fill it. I have a couple of meds I need to refill for next week which means I will be going to the Square. Maybe I will hit the Chipotle and have lunch there. Been a while since I ate there. Least it will get me out of the house.

Angry today

Bastards of Boston posted a question, what hurts more Bogaerts or Lester and I nearly had a fit. So my sadness of these two players quickly turned to anger because the Sox let their talent go to other teams. I am so angry at Henry for letting this happen. And ticket prices have gone up. Who wants to go to Fenway to see them play shitty? I know it isn’t Spring Training yet but we don’t have a shortstop, a first baseman, nor a centerfielder. Even if they shuffle players around, we are still short. And don’t get me started on the damn pitching situation. They haven’t built up a good rotation nor bullpen in years since they let all the pitchers go on trades. Sale is still rehabbing from his Tommy John surgery. Whitlock’s return remains to be seen. Just depresses me.

I had a meeting with the visiting nurse today. I told her I want to be discharged and she gave me the well we haven’t seen you for a month and you were suicidal talk. WTF. She takes my blood pressure, asks how my depression and if I have suicidal thoughts then leaves after I answer her. How is this helping me?? What the hell is the point? She doesn’t check in with my doctor. I can’t go to outpatient PT which I desperately need until their services end. I don’t want to see her anymore. She said we will talk more Monday. WTF.

I made a pot pie for lunch. I put it in too long and burned the crust. Oops. It was good though. I bought pumpkin pie but I was so full I didn’t have dessert. I will have the pie with coffee tomorrow morning. I should have bought whipped cream to go with it.

I went over the tests that they did while I was in the hospital. I have no uterus yet they ordered an HCG (pregnancy test) on me, twice. Dumbbells. They also did an angiogram of my heart. Surprisingly I just have mild atherosclerosis in one artery and none in the rest. I can continue eating cheeseburgers!

I put in a request for a prescription to be ready by 1100 today and it is still not ready yet. I am going to go to the pharmacy after I write this to pick it up. I need to get out of the house for a bit anyways. I haven’t left the house in a week. I was going to go to the Square but I don’t feel like going to Starbucks as it’s after 1400 and it might make my sleeping worse. I already had two cups of coffee anyways.

I just got hit with psychache. It was like a gut punch. No idea why but I am hurting. I just feel so lost and I don’t know what I am going to do between now and my surgery date. These days of doing nothing is getting to me. I know I can clean my room, which eventually I will get to. I just need energy and motivation. Lately I have been lacking both and just been lying in bed most of the day. I feel like everyone will be better off and I am trying to fact check this to see if it is true. I keep going back and forth with my answers. “To just feel better now, better off somehow, someday…so maybe we should start all over, start all over again. Sometimes we don’t really notice just how good it can get.”

The blahs have returned

I really tried to get out of bed when my body woke up around 1030. I just couldn’t. I lay there for another couple of hours and then I got up to use the bathroom and then make coffee. I was definitely in a mood as my mother said good morning a few times and all I could do was grunt. I hate it when people try to talk to me in the morning. Even while I was in the hospital I was like a grump. I had no caffeine there so I had no choice but be grumpy until I got my powdered eggs and cold potatoes. The food was always cold, not even lukewarm when it first arrived. I ate it anyway. I like the turkey sandwiches best anyway.

I really didn’t want to do a damn thing today and I haven’t except write this blog. I ordered food and it was okay. The pasta was overcooked, as you would expect when you order out. I just ate the chicken and artichoke hearts. One of these days I will call my dentist to get my teeth filled and my cracked tooth fixed. It always gets food stuck and then it takes me forever to get the food out of the space. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet today. Next time I go to the bathroom I will.

I got my new insurance card. Same numbers, different color/name. Partners is now Mass General Brigham so I have their insurance plan. It is fine because I just go to MGH anyways for care. All my providers are there. The psych hospital was an affiliate of them, a merger that occurred a couple years ago or more.

It’s cool today but it is freezing in my room. I had to shut the fan off as my feet are frozen despite being under the blankets. I just want to go under them and sleep. I have been in bed more than anything. I just lie down. I hardly am able to sleep or nap. I ordered groceries to be delivered tomorrow. They didn’t have my favorite chips in stock. So I went without. It will be delivered between 10 and 2, my favorite hours to be awake. I seem to get things done during those hours more than any other time of day.

I was wondering what my pulse was so I took it along with my BP and it is 92. My BP is the best it has been in a week 126/82. Looks like the medicine is working the way it should. Maybe I don’t have to have an increase. I see my pcp Tues. for a follow up. I got a message today saying that if my pulse doesn’t come down, I might have to go on a low dose beta blocker. I haven’t had any palpitations today. I will probably get them tomorrow when I bring my groceries up the stairs. I have to order more Ensure as I have been drinking it for the calories for the Latuda. I need 350 calories for this medication.

My psychiatrist got back to me about the catatonia. He said that I am at risk for reoccurrence but it won’t be because of anesthesia. I am glad about that but am worried. I’ve had catatonia twice in my life so far. Both times I have been in the hospital when it has happened. Usually a traumatic memory brings it on. I have no idea how I was in the state for weeks after my medical hospitalization. I remember being on the psych unit being so damn paranoid as time went on. I thought the nurses were poisoning my food. I hardly ate. Then when I was home, I barely ate because nothing tastes good. I remember my sister had made me one of my frozen dinners and I was convinced she put detergent and bleach in my food. I wasn’t on any medication then. If I was, I don’t remember what I was on. My sister was giving me meds but I have no idea what they were. I don’t even think my pcp knew what I was taking because I couldn’t communicate with her. I couldn’t remember anyways. I had amnesia of all the events to that point. I swore I was a dead body. I remember I couldn’t really take care of myself but I constantly had to keep an eye on my mother. I wasn’t sleeping. My ears kept me up as I was constantly listening to make sure my mother didn’t fall, even if I thought she was a dead body and was kept alive with oxygen and water balloons. Guess I was psychotic.