Author: Midnight Demon

Saturday Blog 03122022

I woke up around noon today. I didn’t sleep very well. I woke up cold and couldn’t adjust my sheets and blanket properly for some reason. This went on for a few hours. I am not sure what I want to do today. I just had my coffee and need to brush my teeth. Taking a shower is a possibility.

I wasn’t feeling good last night. I was running a fever and my heart was racing. I also felt like crap. My heart rate was still elevated this morning at 139 when I took my blood pressure. It is not 105 so I will take that. I have no idea why my heart rate was so fast. I thought about going to the ED but I didn’t. If it went faster, I probably would have. It was very uncomfortable and made me anxious.

It’s raining today but warm. I want to go back to sleep. I am just feeling so sleepy. I did the same thing yesterday, but mostly because I was recovering from the covid booster. Today I just feel so tired. I feel like I have this fog around me. I don’t know why this is. I know it is not medication induced as I am not taking anything to cause it. It probably is just the depression. I need to do my pill box for the week. Now that I have a two week supply of meds, I can fill it out for the week rather than a few days at a time.

I was talking with the visiting nurse last night, asking her when I will be discharged. She said it was up to me. Then she asked why and I said because I can’t start outpatient PT while I am having home services. She said that was wrong. I was like that is what they told me. I don’t know why that is but it is probably a Medicare thing. I am sure we will talk more about this on Monday.

I half want to go out today but don’t really know where I want to go. I want to go to Starbucks for a mocha and to read for a bit. Trouble is I don’t have the energy to do it. I am feeling really sluggish today. I ordered lunch. I ordered clam chowder and got clam soup instead. It was not thick at all. I couldn’t eat it all so I saved it for later. Then I took a nap for an hour or so. My mother is making fish for dinner. The house smells of it.

My sister has started bringing down the Christmas decorations. I will help bring them down not put them up. I have no interest in that sort of thing. It is all bah humbug to me.

Feeling sick after covid booster

I had my booster last night and today I feel run down. My arm is sore, of course but I have this fatigue hanging over me like no tomorrow. I also feel wicked cold at time. I am not running a fever but I am keeping an eye out.

I tried reading today as I want to finish the Linehan memoir. I just don’t have the right head space to read. I read a couple of chapters and then I had to stop. If I feel better tonight, I will read another few more chapters.

My aunt came to see my mother today. She was really worried about me when I was in the hospital. She wanted to see me but I guess every time she called, I wasn’t there. I don’t know if that means I was off the floor or mentally I wasn’t there. I don’t know if I still have the protection on my account from being an employee. I don’t recall any psych nurses having to “break the glass” when accessing my record.

My pcp sent me a message asking how I was doing. I thought that was nice of her to check in with me. My BP this morning was high but it leveled off after I took my meds. My pulse was high too. It is still over a hundred now. I didn’t tell her I felt icky because of the covid booster. It is to be expected the next few days at least. I am to give my weekend BP readings on Monday.

I called to make an appointment with PT today. Because I still have the visiting nurse coming to see me, I can’t have outpt PT just yet. I am upset about this. This is just delaying my care. I am going to ask the nurse to stop seeing me on Monday. I would have today but I forgot to bring it up.

My lower back has been flared up since yesterday. I don’t know why but I am in pain. I have tried stretching it out and that helps but only for a short period of time. I am not getting pain in my legs so that is good. I hope PT can help ease the back issues. I’ve been taking a muscle relaxant to help ease the spasms I have been getting. So far it has helped some.

Psych appointment and other things

I had an appointment today with my psychiatrist. He was pretty worried about me. I told him how things were and how anxious I was about the intrusive memories I have been getting. I asked for Ativan and he gave it to me. Because they are still being cautious with me, I only got a two week supply of my meds, which sucks. I just hope they don’t do this in the new year because the Latuda will cost me $60/month otherwise and I won’t be able to afford that.

I realized when I picked up my meds that I need to renew my driver’s license. It expires on my birthday, which is this month. I just tried to update it and the stupid thing crashed on me. I think I have to go in person. Fucking a. all because of the stupid REAL ID bullshit. I had to submit my birth certificate which still has my sex as female and dead name. I couldn’t use my passport because it is expired.

I need to go back to the pharmacy tonight to get my Covid booster and pick up the other meds that I couldn’t pick up at the other pharmacy. My back has been in spasms all day today for whatever reason so I had to take methocarbamol, a muscle relaxant. It has helped.

I took a shower today and that didn’t help my back troubles. Even while I was in the hospital and took a shower, my back cramped up on me. My feet also cramped today. I have been getting a lot of foot cramps lately and I don’t know why as I have been taking magnesium supplements since coming home from the hospital.

It’s almost 6pm and I am starting to lose gas. I am feeling really sleepy and tired. Every single night at this time I feel like taking a nap. In the hospital, I just fell asleep and then woke up to take my night meds. Sometimes I would be up for a little bit and other times I just went back to sleep only to wake up in the middle of the night. Then I would be up for the whole day. Pattern hasn’t changed, though while I have been home, I have avoided going to bed at this time. I still wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. Sometimes I can go back to sleep but most of the time I am up for the remainder of the day, which sucks.

I am so glad tomorrow I don’t have to do anything but see the visiting nurse. I don’t know how long I will see her. I will ask tomorrow. I don’t feel I need to see her anymore. I am doing ok on my own and it isn’t like she is offering me a huge support anyways. I plan on just reading the Linehan memoir and finish it before the weekend. I started reading Dune while in the hospital. I finished the first book. I didn’t feel like starting the second book. I didn’t realize it was broken down by books. It is a big book to read but it is very interesting with its subplots.

Am I good enough?

Tonight I texted a best friend. I told him that I credited him with saving my life. He responded saying that I did the same for him. I was there when he needed someone. I started thinking about my good bye letters that I had written more than a year ago. I had written one to him as he doesn’t always see things online and if someone had posted my passing he would miss it. I have been thinking about this package that I had done tonight as I continue trying to put a foot forward after my suicide attempt.

The past hour I have been flooded with memories of the hospital and the delusions. One of the delusions was of Marsha Linehan coming to this house to have a piece of pepperoni pizza and being denied it because the house had too many death smells to it. I was reminded of this memory/delusion as I read her memoir and reading the part where she loves sports car. David Jobes had been driving her around Boston in a convertible. The house was of the people that used to live here before I moved in. She was supposed to come back but never did, or so the delusion goes. Jobes came to my house to see if dead people can be brought back to life. This was because I thought I had died for whatever reason. I don’t think I will ever know how close to dying I came as this was a very serious attempt on my life. I was very sick from the overdose.

I am wondering if I am a good person. While I was in the psych unit at the hospital, the staff really liked me. Most would spend time with me and talk with me, even if on stuff that wasn’t serious. We would talk about sneakers or baseball (the World Series was going on as I was admitted). I even had a running joke with one of the staff members about tea. He would sing the song “tea for two” every time I requested a cup and he was around or would see me with the cup as I would often go to my room to drink it. One of the nurses kept on telling me I was a nice guy and that the nurses loved me because I didn’t cause trouble. Does this make me a good person? I don’t feel like I am a good person because I still have suicidal thoughts. I am always thinking of a way out. It is in my nature at this point. I am already scheming a way to end my life even though I am not in despair.

I have therapy tomorrow and will discuss these things. I don’t know if I will tell her I am scheming again. I really haven’t found life worth living despite my top surgery moving forward. I know I will feel better and more congruent with how I feel about myself, for the most part. I am trying to lose some weight but it is hard right now as I can’t even walk 100 feet without getting winded or short of breath. I tried to control my eating while I was in the hospital but the meds and boredom made me hungry. I have gained back the weight l lost.

I am feeling pretty rotten right now. Nothing really happened to bring it on except the memories/delusions of the past three months. I am anxious and have nothing to calm myself down. I read in Linehan’s memoir about breathing and counting as you breathe. I find that just noticing my breathing in and out helps to center me. Sometimes it works and sometimes it makes me more panicky. I cannot wait to see my psychiatrist on Thurs so I can get some Ativan.

I have been a week out of the hospital now and I am still adjusting outside of the hospital. I have been managing my meds without any help. The visiting nurse is useless. All she does is check in with me for like five minutes, takes my blood pressure and then leaves. I hope this is the last week with her.

It is almost 0300. I had a few hours of sleep and had to pee so now I am up. I fucking hate this bullshit of not being able to get back to sleep. I am tired as fuck. I keep on thinking of stupid shit that is keeping me up. I hate being up in the middle of the night. Just makes me tired the rest of the day.