Author: Midnight Demon

Another sleepless night

I had about a two hour nap before I woke up because I was hot and sweaty. I then had to use the bathroom and that was it. I am now up for the past three hours, unable to get back to sleep. This is becoming a pattern for me. I don’t like it. I wish I had some Ativan but I don’t. For whatever reason, the attending doctor at the hospital didn’t give me ANY prns to take. I got to wait till Thursday to see my psychiatrist to get some, I hope.

I am listening to Someday again. I was listening to Matchbox 20 when the song came on as I have it on the playlist. Now it is on repeat until I go back to sleep. I read a few chapters of Building a life worth living. I find that I am relating more to the writer as I go along. I am going to tell my therapist about apparent competence as I know I have it. It is when you seem ok when you really aren’t and no one suspects otherwise. I read some more. I am at the point where Dr. Linehan graduates with a doctorate from Loyola University. She had a difficult time finding a job as a clinician-researcher, at first. All she wanted to do was help people get out of their hell they were in.

I have often been asked what gets me through a suicidal episode. What I always say is, “I don’t know”. I say this because each episode is different so I use different things. Sometimes I reach out, sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I distract with social media. My friend in Canada had told me that I should have reached out rather than take my overdose. I wasn’t thinking clearly then. I was very upset and rather than taking a step back to think about what to do, I just acted on my feelings impulsively. It took a few days for me to get so sick to end up in the emergency room. The last thing I remember was being in the ED waiting to go up to the floor to begin dialysis. Everything from then on becomes blurred. I have a memory where a nurse was saying to me about something I had said about chickens. I still don’t remember fully what the hell I was thinking. I remember another moment where one of the doctors was telling me they were very worried about me but I don’t know why they were worried. I was primarily on the same floor but in different rooms on the floor. I was in a double room with men but then I was moved to a private room, probably because I had to be on precautions as the nurses kept having to put on protective gowns to enter my room. This continued until I was close to being discharged from the psych unit of the hospital. I was discharged in a catatonic state where I stayed home for about 9 days before I was readmitted to another hospital for mental health care. I still don’t remember why I was admitted other than I was so fricken confused and couldn’t think straight to save my life. I just kept answering yes to all their questions, including if I was suicidal.

I watched Titanic for the millionth time again. It is one of my favorite movies. I had to watch it because it is all I thought about while I was in the hospital for some reason. After the movie, I tried watching Lincoln but I was too sleepy. I ended up resting for an hour before I finally fell asleep after I took my night meds.

I have nothing planned for the day. I am trying to not get worked up over my pcp appointment this week. I keep thinking the worse because it is what I am used to doing. If I think the worse, then it won’t happen, and usually I have a good outcome. My biggest concern is about top surgery proceeding forward. Soon as I get the ok, I can move up the pre-surgical consult appointment. I have a few questions about the procedure. I also want to have a visiting nurse come post op to help with the draining of the drains. I don’t think I will be able to do it myself. My sisters will be working so I won’t have help and I don’t feel comfortable with my mother taking care of me in anyway, shape, or form. I doubt she will like the idea of it anyways.

I have been up since 2300 last night. I have tried to sleep a few times and just couldn’t relax enough to even snooze. I am fricken exhausted. I feel like there is a huge weight on my shoulders. I don’t feel like eating so I have just been drinking Ensure max protein drinks. I am in a depressed mood and just can’t bring myself to cook something. I was going to pick up my prescription but bailed. I don’t feel like going out today. I will get it tomorrow morning. I think if I leave my house around 0930, it should be enough time to get back to Boston for my pcp appointment. I got a message to call registration so I did. They asked me questions about Medicare. It didn’t take too long. Just hope I will be able to sleep around 2000 tonight. I really need to get some ZZs

Random blog 27112022

I had placed Amazon orders last week and most of them are being delivered today so I feel like Christmas has come early for me. I had to order a new Titanic DVD because I have no idea where my copy is and I am too overwhelmed with trying to find it. Soon as it comes I will be watching it. It is my favorite movie. I seen it in theaters 16 times. I was really into it when it came out.

Rob Thomas – Someday (Official Video) – YouTube

This is my new favorite song and when I saw this video, I started crying because there LGBTQ near the end of the song. One of the psych nurses shared this song with me and it so resonates with me. It gives me all the feels.

I am getting nervous as Tues approaches and I see my pcp. The first two times I saw her I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. I was in a catatonic state and all I did was say yes to everything that was asked of me. I wasn’t too talkative. I thought the doctor was talking in sign language with my sister as she had accompanied me there to get rid of my medications. I am still pissed my sister got rid of my meds. I understand why she did but I don’t like it. Now I am scrambling to get them as I only am getting a three day supply at a time until I see my pcp and pdoc. It is very frustrating because I have to “special” order the Latuda because it is a brand name medication, just for three fucking pills.

I plan on reading most of the day today. I have no other plans as my sister is picking up my meds at the pharmacy. I don’t have to go across town to get them. I will have to do that tomorrow. I just added the pharmacy that is in the Square so that I can pick up there and get Starbucks afterwards or Chipotle. I can also go for pizza at the restaurant across from the T station. I have weird memories about the square because my sister used to work there when her office was there. Now she works in the North Shore as a manager. She has moved up in her job and I am so proud of her.

Other than feeling anxious, I am also struggling with the depression and the darkness inside me. I think the darkness is fueled by the hopelessness I feel. I really hope that my new pcp cares enough to listen to what I have to say about being trans and how important it is that she clear me for top surgery. I am trying not to catastrophize about it. It fills me with dread and sadness and despair when I think what would happen if she says she cannot clear me because of x. Or if she wants to wait a bit and see how I do outside the hospital for a while. Trouble is, I don’t want to fucking wait. I want the surgery scheduled as soon as possible, not wait till fucking March to see the surgeon.

I got to take a walk. I am feeling cooped up and frustrated because of what I am writing about my surgery. This is so fucking important to me right now. I wrote on Twitter last night that the social worker at the hospital said it is “life-saving surgery” and it truly is. I cannot stand to be in this body the way it is right now. It is so incongruent to how I feel as a man. One of the nurses in the hospital wants me to write a book about being trans. I had written a page. I just need to type it up and then collect some of my dysphoria blogs to have a few chapters. I just need to edit out the stuff that is my daily report of how things go for the day.

I am thinking of going to Starbucks with my laptop and see how much of the story of being trans goes. It might be a good experiment. I will try not to connect to the internet while there as that will just bring on a Twitter binge. Before I can go out, I do need to shower. It has been more than a couple days since I last took one. I am starting to smell again. I need to remember to use deodorant after I shower. I always forget to use it. I have like three different brands of deodorant, each smell different. I have one that is 48 hours long. I sometimes use that if I have appointments that are back to back days. I see my pdoc this week.  I honestly don’t remember the last time I saw him. I think I saw him as I was leaving the psych unit of the hospital but I am not sure if it was him or not. Going to be weird seeing him again.

Saturday Blog 26112022

Been a long while since I last wrote a Saturday blog. I was mostly depressed today. I didn’t want to do anything but I forced myself to. I had ordered groceries and they were delivered before the OSU game. I put most of the stuff away as I watched the game. Then around the end of the 2^nd quarter, the cable went out for the channel I was watching. I missed the loss to Michigan. I was not happy.

I had made plans with a friend to meet up in Boston to go for Thai food at our favorite restaurant. It was a good outing and I am glad I didn’t cancel on her. My older friend is in his 80’s and his memory is not what it should be. It is sad. He has lived a long life. After dinner, we went to the ice cream shop across the street for dessert. I had sugar cookie ice cream. It was so good.

I am contemplating what to do the rest of the night. Last night I read for a while. I am re-reading Building a life worth living by Marsha Linehan. I am getting the idea that even though we had different circumstances, I share a lot of the same things with her in regards to being accepted by our mothers and family. We are both outsiders. Maybe that is why I am so against DBT, because it reminds me of things I should be doing as I need to have skills but don’t have the patience to learn them.