Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

What a morning

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

What a morning!

I have had a very frustrating morning. I was on hold with the pharmacy for more than a half hour and then they hung up on me! I was so pissed off. The visiting nurse came and luckily my blood pressure was within normal limits. We chatted for a bit and I walked her out as I was going to the pharmacy to get the meds I needed. Because the hospital didn’t want to give me more than three days supply of meds, I am refilling my meds frequently. I would have picked them up yesterday but the pharmacy was closed because of the holiday. They also didn’t have one of my medications so now I need to go to another location to pick it up as I don’t have anymore meds.

My sister found the magnesium and vitamin D that I had somewhere in my room after she got rid of my meds. I am still pissed about it. All my meds are gone because “they were expired”, which is bullshit. Meds don’t really expire.

I didn’t charge my phone overnight so now I got to wait till it is fully charged before going to the other pharmacy location. My sister said she could take me so I might get take her up on it rather than taking the bus.

I got the new Taylor Swift album. It is okay. I love all the new songs but it is way different album than her past ones. It has a new beat to them which I am trying to get used to. My favorite song is Anti-Hero. It is really cool. You’re on your own kid is also a good song. I like the beat of it.

I’ve had two cups of coffee nearly every day since coming home from the hospital. I am making up for the three months I didn’t have caffeine. I mostly drank multiple cups of decaffeinated tea while in the psych unit. It is weird eating real food again, when I want it and without ordering it and receiving it by a staff member. I have gained back the weight I lost while on the unit because I ate so much and didn’t exercise. I paced around the unit nearly every day but not enough to burn calories. I am so out of shape that walking to the pharmacy knocks the wind out of me. I wonder how I am going to be when I go to the hospital on Tues to see my pcp. There is a lot of walking there. After the appointment, I need to get my glasses adjusted. I hope that I don’t have to make an appointment at the eye place for it. I need to call on Monday.

OMG the drama of trying to fill my Latuda at a retail store! Fucking pharmacy doesn’t stock brand name meds so they have to order it. Problem is that I just have three fucking pills until I see my psychiatrist on Thursday. This is just a big pain in the ass filling every few days. Supposedly if I order on a Sunday, they will have it in stock on Monday. We will see. I have to order a day before. Today has been a shitshow for picking up my meds. I really hope in a few days I will have a better experience.

Thanksgiving 2022

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Thanksgiving 2022

Happy Thanksgiving to my American readers! This year I am grateful I have all of you and that I am here to celebrate with my family at home and not in the hospital.

Yesterday I had therapy and it was another day of learning what had happened prior to my hospitalization. Apparently words were exchanged between me and my therapist and she was very concerned that she wanted to section me. I have no recollection of this. I also learned that the OD was on Aug 26, day after the last session with my therapist before hospitalization. I went to the ED four days later as I was feeling weak, not knowing I was in renal failure.

I had a good Thanksgiving meal. I passed out after it. I didn’t have dessert so my brother in law saved me a piece of pumpkin pie. I will have it tomorrow morning for breakfast along with the carrot cake my sister made. It will go good with coffee.

Overall I had a good day. I had made the squash and it came out good. I think I was the only one that ate it. That is ok. I like leftovers. There was plenty of turkey left and stuffing. My mother made it and it was so damn good. I was eating it before it was warmed up. I could eat the entire thing if it was left for me.

Patriots play tonight. I don’t think I will be watching the game though. It isn’t on till 8pm and I usually go to bed around that time.

about my hiatus

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

About my hiatus

I have been in the hospital the past three months. I was not in a state where I could write a blog. I was doped up most of the time and barely knew what was going on around me. I was sick with renal failure, covid, and infection called C diff. I was barely eating so they had place an nasogastric tube down in my stomach for a bit. I don’t know how long this tube was place. I had taken a pic of it sometime in Sept. I missed how the season ended for my Sox. When I came home for a bit, I thought it was the end of Aug but it was the beginning of Oct. I was home for a week or so before going back to the hospital for psych. I spent four weeks in the hospital on the psych unit. I got really good care there. I learned my top surgery was postponed and I was very, very devastated. It was good that I was in the hospital because if I wasn’t, I probably would have ended my life right then. I was so angry and frustrated as I didn’t have answers and had to wait for them. I had no access to my phone so I didn’t have the usual supports I have when I am home. It was extremely frustrating. The staff tried to help me but all they could do was sympathize with me. There was only one LGBTIQQ staff person on the unit and even she couldn’t really understand my predicament.

I have an appointment next week with my pcp to get medically cleared for top surgery. I really hope this conversation goes well. It will be the first time meeting my new pcp as a fully conscious being. The first two times I met her, I was still in the confused, delusional state. All I could do when I met her was blink my eyes and nod yes or no.

I am having difficulty writing in a constant stream of consciousness. It has taken me two days to write three hundred words for this blog. My thoughts are still hard to write with everything that I have been through. It was really difficult in the hospital as I really lost the ability to write. Writing has always been a coping mechanism for me and when I couldn’t think to write, it hurt, literally. I would get these headaches that felt like my brain was being crushed. It literally hurt to think. I got several migraines while in the hospital. I would wake up around 0330-430 every morning with severe migraines. It was terrible. The trauma of everything I went through was very difficult to process. I had become catatonic at one point.

I am still feeling wicked depressed and anxious at times. I am off all pain meds and off my Ativan. It is weird not taking meds around the clock like I once did for years. Now I just take it a few times a day as I am taking my blood pressure med three times a day and take the Latuda at dinner time. It makes me tired and I often find that by 1900 I am sleepy. But that could be because I have been waking up before 0500 most mornings. I find it hard to get back to sleep with these early morning awakenings. I am so much clear headed now than I was in the middle of October. My memory is still not there on what transpired the six weeks I was on the medical floor of the hospital. I just have these weird dreams/delusions that sometimes intrude in my head. One day while in the psych ward, I was flooded with memories and couldn’t make sense of things at all. The anxiety it produced was terrifying. I was convinced I killed my mother and a bunch of weird shit around my house. Taylor Swift music got me through a lot of the anxiety but while in the psych ward, I didn’t have my music to calm me so it was very difficult to cope. Now that I am home and have music again and my laptop, I am coping so much better. I am reunited with my online friends again and it feels so good because I was missed so much. I have missed blogging so much. I regret that I didn’t write before now but it has been hard finding my writing voice again. It has been a real struggle.

In closing, I am going to try and write a blog a day like before, even if it is less than 500 words.

Sick

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Hey all,

Seems I’ve got a sore throat. I feel weak. No fever though. I took the covid test and it was negative. That’s all for now