Author: Midnight Demon

Not doing well

I saw my mother who is recovering from hip surgery. She was eating lunch and then the nurse gave her meds which made her sick. I had to step out. I felt so bad. She is wicked constipated and they are trying to make her go but nothing has worked so far. I hope she goes soon.

I have been feeling wicked down. I don’t want to do a fucking thing. My recycle bag fell over and now I have bottles on my floor in my room. I am so exhausted I don’t have the energy to pick them up. I just want to go to bed and it is not even 6pm yet.

My bro in law woke me up a little after 7am to get something for my sister. I took my meds and went back to sleep. I didn’t get up till around 11. The little few hours of sleep I had did nothing for my energy levels. I barely made cereal and then when I was brushing my teeth, I puked it up. Today is not my fucking day.

My sister bought me a slice of pizza. I had that and made a pot pie for dinner. I put some dishes in the dishwasher but still have not done the pans in the sink. I keep meaning to do them but I just don’t have the fucking energy.

I feel like I am headed for a breakdown. I keep thinking I need to be in the hospital but I don’t know what they will do for me other than keep me safe for a period of time. But I don’t want to lose my phone again and be without my online supports. I just feel so rotten. I know I got to do this on my own and it is so fucking hard. No one can save me but me. That is the fucking truth. Question is do I want to be saved?

Therapy and PT and other things

I woke up a little after 0930 to pee and then take my meds before having coffee. I had therapy and it went ok. She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. I resolved to do at least two things a day to give myself something to do and had someone on facebook hold me accountable. I want to clear the area in front of my closet so I can get some button down shirts that I will need for my surgery recovery.

I have been tired all day. I told my therapist I have been sleeping more and have no motivation to do anything. She said it was the depression. I tried conveying to her that I essentially have a huge chunk of time on my hands until surgery and I don’t know what to do with myself but I don’t think I came across to her. It was sort of frustrating because there was nothing she could do for me. It is all up to me. And that is frightening to me.

I showered and brushed my teeth before I left for PT. I had to shower because it has been at least a week since my last one. It exhausted me but I couldn’t rest as I had to get dressed to catch the bus. PT was good. I didn’t tell the therapist I had overdosed. If she read it, that is fine but I wasn’t going to tell her. After her assessment, she said that I wasn’t in too bad a shape for being in the hospital for three months. There is some stuff to work on. She took my heart rate at the end and it was in the 120s. She had read that my heart rate was up. So she is going to keep an eye on it. Sometimes I can feel it and other times I can’t, like I didn’t know I was in the 120s. I had no palpitations or racing heartbeat. It is weird how sometimes I can feel it and other times, I can’t.

My mother is recovering from her hip surgery. I will see her tomorrow afternoon. I don’t know what time I will go. I am debating on getting a haircut then going but not sure. I haven’t decided yet. I have been listening to Taylor Swift’s album Speak Now all day. Such a good album. I have been flitting between Midnights and folklore. But today is Speak Now’s turn. I will probably listen to Rob Thomas’s someday and then Taylor’s Maroon, which is my new favorite song along with snow on the beach.

World Cup nonsense

I spent two and a half hours watching the World Cup. I thought Argentina was going to win it as Messi scored the first goal. Then France came back in the second half and now they went to penalty kicks. I shut the game off. I hate watching penalty kicks. It is a dumb way to end a game. Just let them go into overtime until someone scores a goal. I think that is fair.

I had two cups of coffee, two helpings of my Shepard’s pie, and I made four bags of spinach. I think I overcooked it but it tastes ok. I am tired. I might take a nap and it is only 1pm.

My mother had her hip surgery this morning. She is recovering as well as can be. Now I just hope she can walk without pain. I hope she does the PT that is required or she isn’t going to heal right.

I start my own PT tomorrow. I hope that it stops the spasms I have been getting in my side and back. My ankle has been bothering me on and off since I have been home from the hospital. I think doing stairs has annoyed it. I was up in the middle of the night due to palpitations. My heart rate was in the 90s and then it dropped 20 points to give me anxiety. I had to take an Ativan to calm down. I stayed up for a bit and then went back to sleep.

I have therapy tomorrow. Not sure what I will talk about. Probably about how my mood sucks and I am not sure my tiredness is because I deconditioned or due to depression. I have been sleeping more. Been eating less. My mood have been ranging from really dark to bleak. Today I have been really tired and just want to stay under the covers. It took a lot to bring down some recycles. I can’t seem to do much else. I have no energy to try and straighten things in my room. There is something I read that doing just one thing each day adds up so I am going to try that. This way I don’t get overwhelmed.

I need to take a shower as it has been almost a week since I have taken one. It is so hard when I don’t have energy. I also need to trim my beard and cut my toenails. I hate self-care. I need to get a haircut. I got to text my barber Mon to see if he has any openings on Tues. I told my sister I would visit my mother Tues. She is on one above floor where I was. I hope she will be in less pain.