Author: Midnight Demon

Saying goodbye to my mother

It has been a tough past couple of days. Today was the funeral and it was hard. My aunts were crying badly. I was tearful at times but mostly I was numb. The service was long. I will not have religious anything at my wake or funeral. Just let people grieve their way.

I came home and noticed my nipple from my shirt. Then when I took my shirt off, the right side is really swollen and the left hurts with nerve pain. I took some ibuprofen and gabapentin to ease it some. I don’t know what else to do. The nurse called and will be coming tomorrow between 1030 and 11. The supplies came yesterday so I will shower before she gets here so that I am clean. I sweat a lot today. My bandage is not lying flat against me. I don’t know why but it is still secure and doesn’t seem to be leaking anything. It is itchy as all hell though. I’ll be glad when this thing is healed.

It was such a long day with family. I didn’t think the funeral reception was going to end. I ended up leaving when our neighbors left as I was tired and hurting. I needed to lie down and be in comfortable clothes. I am still recovering from surgery. I may not be in pain but I still get worn out. I had asked my pcp if I could donate blood and she said that I should wait till I am totally recovered.

I am reluctantly listening to the ballgame even though I just want to sleep. My favorite pitcher is pitching and I want to see how he does. He hasn’t had a good outing lately. And he is not pitching tonight. Already 2-0 Angels. UGH. It is only the first inning.

I just sent a message to my psychiatrist. I feel like I am heading toward catatonia again because I keep zoning out. Last night I was wondering why I was at the funeral home and where was my mother. When I saw her in the casket, I was expecting her to move. She was cold and I told her I would turn up the heat. She looked like she was sleeping. The casket was beautiful. It had flowers on the side of it. I am going to miss my mother so much. I am glad my mother saw me after I had surgery even if I was bandaged up. She didn’t like me having surgery as she gave me a face but she was concerned afterwards so I know she just wants me to be happy. I hope I am not becoming catatonic but I don’t know what to do to prevent it from happening. I seem to be on the edge of reality at times. Even when I am alone in my room I tend to stare at the wall for hours. I am so horribly sad. I feel like I am going to be like this forever. Feeling tired all the time doesn’t help. Some days I have energy but I don’t do anything with it except for maybe sit on my porch and watch the passerbys or cars go by. I keep looking up and down my street the same way I did when I was in the catatonic state back in Oct. I hope I don’t become catatonic because it is awful. I can’t take care of myself and just follow what my sisters tell me to do. I hope my psychiatrist can give me some signs that I am catatonic or getting to be. It is scary being in that state as I am not safe. I mean that I can go wandering out in the street and not be aware if a car is coming or just go walking and get lost. That is how I was when I was at the Square waiting for the bus but was so confused that I couldn’t get on the bus because I thought my job was to scare away pigeons.

The next step of things for the bereavement is the thank you cards. We had almost 150 people come to the wake. That is a lot of writing! I know with my father it was tough. We never been through a death before so we didn’t know what to do. Least we have some experience now. So fucking sad. I wish I could hug my mother one more time with her knowing I was giving her a hug.

I don’t have time to write today because of the wake and tomorrow’s the funeral. So here is a pic of Armani the super cat

Insurmountable grief

I was up again at midnight and didn’t go back to sleep till around 5. I had set my alarm for 630 so that I could go get my blood drawn but I didn’t get up. I will have to go tomorrow morning. When I went downstairs for coffee, there were clothes to be folded. Some of the clothes were my mother’s. I felt so much sadness and grief. I want to cry but I just can’t seem to let loose.

The visiting nurse just came to change my bandage. She said I should be getting some supplies soon but I haven’t gotten them yet. She also said I am moving too much which is not good for my wound. I am trying to stay still but it is so hard. Today I folded clothes and loaded the dishwasher. Things need doing around the house. I also made stuff for me to eat, mostly leftover ham that I devoured. We got an edible arrangement from my cousins. The oranges were so sweet and good. I didn’t lift it because it is too heavy for me.

I am so overwhelmed with sadness and grief. I don’t know what to do with myself. I just want to sleep but I just lay there while my brain thinks about my mother and the past few weeks while she was alive. Or it remembers times when it was tough and my mother and I didn’t get along.

Two weeks post op top surgery

Today I am two weeks post op from Top surgery. The nurse just came to change my dressing. Another nurse will be by tomorrow to do the same. I feel good, just tired. It is probably because I am not sleeping during the night. I woke up around midnight last night and didn’t go back to sleep till around 4. I just couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about my mother.

I went grocery shopping as I needed half and half. I bought some cauliflower as it was on sale. I had to satisfy my addiction to it. My niece has gotten so good at making it. It was gone on Sunday when she made it and she made two heads. I am making chicken breast tonight.

I just want to sleep. I don’t want to do a damn thing. I had four cups of coffee today. I am trying to avoid a nap. I don’t know why I am bothering as I lay down for a bit and then my brain starts thinking of shit so I can’t nap. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about my sleeping pattern. I don’t know if he can change it as the trazodone didn’t work for me. I don’t want to take a sleeping pill. I am too afraid of the side effects. I woke up before 9am today and have been going most of the day. I had coffee with my sister. We are trying to get a lawyer for the estate stuff. Just hope it doesn’t cost an arm and a leg to do what needs to be done, whatever that is. I know I have to provide proof of my name change.

I am just so sad with all of this. I want to cry but the tears won’t come. I keep remembering the day my mother died and how she was sleeping and then just died. I kept staring at her, willing her to move but she was gone. There was nothing I could do. I just stared at her. My niece and sister were crying. My sister was trying to put the bed down. I didn’t think she would die this soon. I wanted her around for another birthday. I feel cheated because my sisters had her for their birthdays and I didn’t because she was in the hospital. I got her card a week later. I am saving it because it is the last birthday card I will ever get from her.

I sort of want another appointment with my therapist but not sure about timing due to the nurse coming tomorrow and then the wake Thurs. She doesn’t work Fridays. I think I will be ok. I am just feeling invisible and like a nothing right now. My niece washed the clothes I had planned to do today. She was up really early this morning. I am so tired. I got to go for bloodwork tomorrow. It’s to check my T level and blood counts. Once I have recovered from surgery, I plan on donating blood again. I also need to pick up my prescriptions. I am almost out of my antidepressant. I got to call in the morning to find out when it will be done. Sucks I have to do this otherwise it just stays in the “in process” queue.