Author: Midnight Demon

Loss of a friend

Last night I was going through FB and came across a post about my friend and in the post it said in your memory. I was like, what? It was from his sister so I knew it wasn’t a joke. I went on his page and sure enough he passed away in Aug of last year, “tragically”. I can only assume he died by suicide. He wasn’t having a great time when I last saw him post.

I talked about it with my therapist this morning. We talked about a lot of different things this morning. Mostly about how bad my depression is. She wants me to get involved in some kind of advocacy group. She thinks I will be good at it. So after our session I applied to an advocacy group.

I tried sleeping but I couldn’t. My shoulder kept flaring up and I kept thinking about my friend. I kept wondering if I was going to be the next to die by suicide. I brought it up to my therapist but she didn’t have much to say on the matter. I told her he had fallen through the cracks of the mental health system as his therapist had moved to another position at the clinic and he didn’t have a good relationship with the therapist he had. I also don’t think he had a psychiatrist as the one he was seeing retired. I feel like I am in a kind of similar situation as I am not getting along with my therapist and my psychiatrist is seeing me every two months.

I am just sad.

The truth is, perfect resources aren’t always out there, even when we reach out. And sometimes resources that purport to help end up hurting us more.

That’s real. That happens. You’re not crazy. You’re not at fault. -Dr. Glen Doyle

Allergies and errands

I was having my coffee and all of a sudden I started sneezing, one right after another. I must have sneezed like ten times before I finally stopped. I called my mother to make sure she got down to my aunt’s house ok and started again. It was a short phone call. I am wicked congested. Sadly, I have to go out even though the pollen is high. I need to go to the post office. But I am just not feeling like getting dressed because I haven’t showered and I stink. It’s been at least a week since I last showered.

I went to group even though I didn’t feel like going. It just made me more depressed because they have no clue about CRPS and how there is no treatment for it. I wanted to tell them this but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I kept myself from telling them I plan on going to Switzerland for assisted suicide. Just told them I was depressed. I made an appointment with my therapist after I left. I am so mad at my mother today. She played games with me this morning when I had shit really bad. I let her pee and then she forgot I had to go so closed the bathroom door. I almost shit my pants waiting. Luckily I made it in time. Then while in group my niece called me telling me to go downstairs as my mother needed help. I got off group saying there was an emergency and went downstairs only to find my mother telling me she didn’t need no help. WTF. I am so mad.

Forty-five minutes ago I emptied my bladder and now my damn bladder is hurting. I can’t fucking deal with pain today. My shoulder was hurting me when I woke up this morning. It didn’t go away with the usual movements so I ended up taking a pain med before group started. That was 2.5 hours ago. I can’t take another pill for another hour and a half. I just feel like I am taking the IR meds around the clock and it isn’t supposed to be this way. I want to cry but the tears aren’t coming.

My mother made dinner. Porkchops with corn and beans. The beans were not good. I just had the corn. Allergies are bad today. Gonna have to take a second allegra. Glad my sister isn’t home or all the windows and doors would be open to let the pollen in. I hate spring time.

Groceries and being tired

This morning I ordered my deliveries and it was supposed to come between 3-4p. It didn’t come till 420p. I had the help of my niece to bring the stuff upstairs. I still need to bring the drinks to my room. There are a lot. Unfortunately, the thyme I bought wasn’t what I expected. I think I am gonna have to go to the store to get what I need.

I had therapy and it went ok. She agreed to write me a letter of support. Then we just talked about depression. I didn’t feel like learning a new skill. She said that the skill had to due with the one she gave me and I just couldn’t handle it. I brought up the suicidal mode thing that I had in my new notebook and she wasn’t interested in it. I give up trying. She said that was “out of therapy work”. I finally realized this individual therapy is just that. There is no team in it like it was in the past. This therapist doesn’t want more than 45 mins of my time and I can’t have more than that.

I think I have brought up the last bottles for the night. My leg has flared up again. I’m depressed. I had left over Chinese food and it was so salty. I couldn’t eat it all and tossed what I couldn’t eat.

I meant to mail a package for a friend but I never left the house. I might do it tomorrow morning if I am up. I haven’t really left the house since PT ended. I didn’t shower today but I did brush my teeth. I am still trying to figure out when I am going to shower. Maybe tomorrow if I don’t feel like shit.