Author: Midnight Demon

Can’t sleep blog number 102

Another night where I can’t sleep. I slept for a couple of hours and was up around 2330. I had to pee. Then I wanted some cookies. I had a yogurt, too. I just got the hungry horrors and am trying not to eat. I finally took some pain meds for my cranky ankle and foot. I also took some Ativan. Hopefully I will be asleep in an hour or so.

I have been reading Cognitive Therapy for Emotional Disorders by Beck and it is interesting. I highlighted some things I want to talk to my therapist about. I want to see if she knows my warped thinking and to help me learn more realistic ways to formulate my experiences. It will be interesting to see what she has to say about it.

I had posted that I deserved to die because I was fat and ugly. A friend of mine said that it wasn’t true. I deserve to live even if I am fat and ugly. Fat and ugly people deserve to live is what she said. That maybe true for them but not for me. I haven’t done anything deserving to live. I have half decided that I am going to try and end my life next week. I have to try and keep this information from my therapist. I wish I knew how long the pills would work to kill me. I also hope they don’t make me sick before they kill me. So many unknowns. I don’t like it. But it would be the same if I took Tylenol. It would be hours to days for it to kill me, especially with liver damage.

Well the meds have worked faster than I thought. Going to sleep now but will be back if I wake up later.

I fell asleep for about an hour and then it was around 345. I paid my bills that I could. I cleared my notifications and put the do not disturb back on then went back to bed. I slept until my med alarm went off again. I took my meds. I tried to sleep but I had a disturbing dream so woke up from it. I went downstairs to have breakfast. I wanted pancakes and coffee, as usual. Coffee is a must have always.

My mother was doing her bills and was angry over some order she placed. She was trying to explain it to me but I wasn’t paying attention.

Dentist and other stuff

I slept later than I wanted to so I put my alarm back on for 1100. My bladder was close to bursting so I hurried to the bathroom. I then took my morning meds and checked Twitter. I needed coffee, strong coffee. I went downstairs and made coffee and oatmeal. I still had a couple of hours before my dentist appointment so I went back upstairs. I thought about going to the square to get my meds and then go to the appointment but I had to charge my phone. So I went to the dentist then to the square.

The cleaning went ok. I still had a few cavities and an old filling came out. The dentist was really booked so it won’t be till Oct that I can have my teeth filled. Fine with me. I had twenty minutes before the bus came. I listened to folklore.

While my phone was charging I decided to shave. I also brushed my teeth.

I am really tired. I was going to order food but it was late when I came home and I was hungry. I made a microwave dinner. I was sweating really bad. My shirt was soaking wet. My ankle is throbbing really bad. I stood for way too long. It is going to be a long night with pain. I’m already starting to feel suicidal because of it. I am trying not to go into that spiral.