I hate Mondays
I didn’t want to wake up this morning. It was raining and dark out. It wasn’t cold though but hot in the house because it was warm outside. I got a couple of messages from my pcp’s office about my medication. One they approved and one they didn’t. It was the one I really needed that wasn’t approved. I sent them a message to ask why it wasn’t approved. Hopefully it will get resolved today.
I am so tired. I just want to go back to sleep. I have therapy this afternoon. Hope I wake up. I had coffee but I think I will make a cup of tea. It is a perfect day for it. I don’t know why I am so tired. I had a good sleep with the exception of waking up at 5 to pee. I was able to go back to sleep quickly. I then woke up when my med alarm went off. I had to pee again so I got up.
Therapy went okay though I got annoyed at the end. She asked if I was going to be ok and I said yes and then she asked what was I going to do if I wasn’t. Apparently managing it on my own was not the answer she wanted but time ran out so she was stuck with it. WTF. It isn’t like I can text her when I am having a hard time. She might not be available. I wouldn’t text her anyway, unless I was very intent on acting on my feelings. I have been through enough crises to deal on my own to get through the hours until the next day. Then do it again the next day for how many days I need to. She doesn’t understand that. Or maybe she just thinks that calling a hotline will be better. It might be but I have yet for it to be beneficial for me. If anything it annoys me.
She wanted me to talk about what to do on days where I just wanted to stay in bed. Frankly, I couldn’t answer this and still can’t. I know that I should have some self-care on days I don’t feel like it but there are days where the fuck its are so strong, I just want to stay in bed and will do so. I don’t feel bad about doing so. There are days where things are just too much for me to bear and I can’t handle it. There aren’t many days where this will happen. I will get up and brush my teeth, have coffee and something to eat and then stay in my room because I don’t feel like going out. I wish my options were more varied but seeing as I can’t no longer hang at Starbucks, I just stay at home. It does get boring and I haven’t read any of my books for more than two weeks. I was on a roll but the Middle Eastern fantasy book had too many words I didn’t know that I would be spending all my time looking it up in the dictionary if they were real words and the Reagan book is boring as all hell. The writer sucks. But I won’t stop reading either until they are finished. I am the kind that finishes a book when started even if it takes me forever. I won’t be completing my challenge this year.
midnightdemons7 
That is my response to what to do when I’m not ok. But apparently that is the wrong answer. So I will have to have a discussion with her about this because it pisses me off. Obviously I know what to do if I am here and haven’t done some self-destructive thing.
Sending you hugs. You are so kind.
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I usually answer the “what will you do if you’re not okay?” With “idk whatever the fuck I always do. I managed every other time to still be here, so I’ll figure it out this time, too”. And that seems to suffice for my therapist. Lol. I think I’m bitter for the same reason you said- it’s not like I can text/email her. Or that if I’d did she’d be available. So I’m annoyed she’s even asking if she’s not going to be the one I can go to. It’s something I have to figure out on my own, so I will and I don’t need you to ask me how I’ll do it if you won’t be the one to help. 🤷🏻♀️
That being said, my dbt skills book had me make a “distraction plan” and a “relaxation plan” (2 actually- one for things I could do when I’m at home, and one for things I could do when not at home). Then I keep them on my phone so if I need to distract and/or relax I can look at the lists because when you need to do those things your mind kind of draws a blank. Especially when you’re super depressed and you’d rather wallow in it than help yourself (at least that’s how I get).
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