Author: Midnight Demon

Update on things

I had therapy today. We talked about advocating for myself more in doctor’s appointments. I see my pcp tomorrow. I think I may have infected my bladder with the stupid vaginal discharge I have. I have been feeling rough the past few hours. I am not looking forward to an exam. We also talked about the suicide book I am reading. In the book, the author believes that entrapment is a cause of suicide, the chief driver. I have to agree with him because in my own dealings with suicide, feeling trapped and feeling like there is no way out has caused my suicide levels to become increased. I truly believe this entrapment with transgender individuals is what drives up suicide in this population. If you can’t escape yourself, where is there to turn? If you can’t transition or there are significant barriers to transitions, suicide is possible. In the FTM breast surgery article I found, it basically says that there is no reason why BMI should delay surgery. Yet it is for many, myself included.

Friday I didn’t post a blog so I lost my streak of 28 days. I decided to take a break for a few days so I am back today to try and get to 30 days. I have been feeling so tired lately. I keep waking up around the same time every night. Sometimes it is from a weird dream or I have to pee. I then wake up a few hours later to pee again. Usually around this time it is med time so I have to get up anyway.

I bought urinalysis strips to test my urine to check for infection. I have a trace of white cells so it might be good to get my urine tested, again. I have to go for blood work so what is another test. Temps going down tonight so it is going to be wicked cold in the morning. I got to leave early. I haven’t decided if I am going to go for the lab work before my appointment or after. Depends on how I wake up. If I wake up shitty I am not going to be leaving early.

My bloody foot has been cold most of the day. Damn CRPS. I have it under blankets but it doesn’t matter. My arm has been hurting since I woke up this morning. Actually, the pain woke me this morning before my med alarm. I just couldn’t get comfortable to get back to sleep. I rested a couple of hours before therapy. I might have a cup of tea soon. Been having a cup to ward off sleeping before I take my night meds. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t and I am asleep before 8pm. I just get so tired around sundown.

Pain and feeling tired

I slept most of yesterday. I just couldn’t get out of bed. I wanted to go to the post office but I laid down to charge my phone and that was the end of me. I was in bed the rest of the night. I had a hard time sleeping through the night. I kept waking up from weird dreams. Around 6 my back hurt really bad. I took a BT med and tried to go back to sleep. I ended up getting up around 9 to pee and have some coffee. I brushed my teeth. I knew I had to have a BM so I waited a little while and sure enough, they moved so I went back to the bathroom. While I was wiping myself, I had a greenish discharge. I don’t know what that is about. Hope I don’t have an infection. I see the doc Tuesday so I am not worried about getting an appointment.

I went to the post office and I was out of breath when I came back home. I opened the package and there was this thing no bigger than a pack of cigarettes. No wires or sticky stuff. You just hold the thing on your chest while it records the event. Only trouble I see is that you really have to be naked to hold it to your chest firmly. All four connections need to be held to the skin. So this isn’t going to be as easy as I thought it would be.

I sent the first recording over to the company. Now we just wait for my heart to palpate. I haven’t had any episodes the past few days but then I haven’t really left my room to do anything. I am tired and hungry. I don’t feel like cooking so I think I am just going to have cereal.

I just had my first event. It went ok. My heart is still racing. I am wicked tired. It’s only a little after 230p. I had a cup of tea to try and wake me up a little bit. Coffee has just been making me really tired but I got to have it first thing when I wake up, no matter what time it is. It is like a ritual. I get up and have coffee.

I had to go pee and because the urge was strong, I voided. It still bloody hurts to go. There wasn’t much urine left after I peed so that was good. I didn’t put myself on a timer today because I have the urge today. I helped my mother get up the stairs. I am tired. My head hurts for some reason. I am still having palpitations.

I bought a binder for the memoir I plan on printing out one of these days. I might do it tomorrow. I really should clear off my bed and change the sheets. Maybe I will do that instead.

A tiring fucking day

I am wicked tired. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and only stayed up long enough to check my messages on my phone and then went back to bed. My morning med alarm went off. I shut it off and then went back to sleep. I missed PT because I didn’t get up. Then my bowels and bladder forced me up. Thank god my mother was done with the bathroom or I would have had a bowel accident. I would have made coffee or tea then but my mother was making her lunch and was using the space where the coffee maker was. I went back to bed for another couple of hours.

I got up around 2 and listened to my messages. My PT left a message as she was worried about me not showing up. I sent her a message saying that I overslept and that I was ok, just tired. I made some coffee and had some Belvita cookies. By the time I was done, it was time to log on the computer for the my zoom meeting with the group leader for the chronic pain group. The meeting went well and I can start next week. I am kind of nervous about it. It is a small group with about seven people give or take if they all show up.

Migraine just hit me so that is all for today.