Author: Midnight Demon

Hard day

I tried to get up this morning to attend lab but I just couldn’t get up. I stayed in bed till around 11am. I took my meds and then made coffee. The puppy was here with daddy. She was fine until he left. Then I became second news. I made a breakfast sandwich. Then made a second cup of coffee, which killed my stomach. Puppy was sleeping on the floor so I went back to my room. I laid down and the thought was to leave at 2 so I had a chance of meeting the teacher for her office hours and also pick up my meds. 130pm rolled around and I still haven’t brushed my teeth or shaved so leaving at 2 was not going to happen. Around 2 I finally brushed my teeth and shaved. I was seriously debating going to class but I figured, I was going to be out so I might as well try to attend class. I left at three and caught the bus 15 minutes later.

I got my meds and then went to the station. I paid for my monthly pass and then went to the platform. I didn’t have to wait too long for the train. I got to campus around 430pm. I had an hour to kill so I printed off some slides for class. One slide was nearly 100 pages. I focused on the study guide. It was review for me as I read it. I didn’t do meiosis, which was what the class was about tonight.

I finally made the 730pm bus home. There were no delays on the red line. I couldn’t believe it. I went home and I was exhausted. I didn’t eat as my stomach was still upset so I had an ensure. Only problem was, I couldn’t find my med box for my night meds. They like to play hide and seek. Well, tonight they are hiding pretty well. I took stuff off the bed and still couldn’t find them. I have no idea where the fuck they are. I thought maybe they fell in my bag, but nope not there. So I am going without meds tonight. I could just make up another round but I don’t fucking feel like it.

On the way home, it felt like I had to pee but I didn’t. I was leaking though. I came home to pee but there wasn’t much to pee. I didn’t drink that much and I peed when I got to campus as I forgot to go before I left. Just weird. I haven’t had a BM in almost a week. I haven’t been taking senna since I have to go out.

I am going to re-read the Mendel chapter. I have been meaning to do it all week and usually by 8pm I am toast. I have a little energy left. Hopefully it will take my mind off where my meds went so I can sleep. I am really upset I cannot find that box.

CRPS flare and no sleep

Last night I went to bed a little late and soon after I laid down, it felt like someone was stabbing me in my ankle joint. The pain wouldn’t subside, at all. I took a pain med and it caused me to be up all night. I didn’t go to sleep till around 7am and only slept for a few hours. I had to be up because of therapy. I nearly fell asleep a few times. Needless to say I didn’t go to class today. I was able to do my hair though. I am all shaved off.

Therapy went ok. We talked about psychache and how it affects my suicidality. She asked if I contacted a crisis line and I said no. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I just sent her a blog post I wrote about psychache theory. I hope it helps her. She wanted to see me again this week because we talked so much about heavy stuff. I told her how I could just end my life and not really have a reason. But I don’t want to do anything now as classes are important to me.

I am listening to the first night ball game. The Sox are in Houston playing the Astros. New pitcher is pitching for Sox.

I haven’t really ate much today. I wasn’t really hungry. My sister made raviolis and meatballs. I had one meatball and like 5 raviolis. I was full. I had a little piece of cheesecake and that sent my stomach to overfull. My stomach has been bothering me. I haven’t had a BM in a few days so that maybe why. I have been trying different things as taking the senna and magnesium will give me the runs for some reason. I don’t want to take the senna when I know I will be out. I hate using public bathrooms to poop.

I never made it out today and the weather was nice. Tomorrow there is some calls for storms, which is probably why the CRPS flared up last night. I feel so sleepy. I don’t know if I am going to listen to all 9 innings. Sox are down by 1.

Celebrating my bro in law

I had a rough night trying to sleep as I slept with the puppy. Her parents weren’t home and I didn’t want her to be alone. She kept getting up and checking the door for them. Then would come on the bed and plop herself on my leg, using it as a pillow. It was so cute. Sometime during the night, she finally cuddled with me and we both slept. I had taken a trazodone, which was kind of stupid as I knew I wasn’t going to sleep. I just feel so tired today.

This afternoon we went to the best pizza in East Boston, my hometown, to celebrate my bro in law’s birthday. His birthday is tomorrow but we went out today for it with his friends. It was nice. I ate steak tips, chicken tips, and pizza. My sister ordered hot peppers on it and MAN was it hot. I swear I was breathing fire. I had two drinks which meant having to use the restroom, which always makes me nervous. I thought I could hold it till we got home but they were talking and talking and didn’t seem to want to leave after paying the bill so I went to the men’s room. It was a very small bathroom. I did my business and washed my hands. One of my bro in law’s friends was recovering from a cold and sat next to me. She was coughing. I hope I don’t get sick. I washed my hands again when I came home. I have been doing that since Covid. Whenever I go out and come home, wash my hands.

I thought about messaging my therapist again but I really don’t know what I want to say. Hopefully tomorrow I can ask her if she knows what psychache is. I feel like every therapist should know the term but some if not most do not. But I think we are or might continue where we left off last session about how I handle my feelings.

I got an email from my psych advisor yesterday about advising holds. I sent her an email as her office hours didn’t work for me as I wasn’t on campus during those times. I have a zoom appt with her tomorrow after therapy. I have known her for years and was so happy she is still at the university. She was my psych statistics professor and back when I was on campus more, she was the advisor for the psych club. I think they changed the name to neuroscience but I am not sure. Anyway, she is going to help me choose a 400 level course that I need to take for my final psych requirement. I have like 29 credits to take to finish this damn degree. I have to strategically pick classes that I can pass and not feel stressed with. So close yet so far away…