Category: depression

Waste of spoons

I had to get up soon after my med alarm went off because I was meeting with my professor on zoom. I managed to have a cup of coffee before the meeting. My biscuits came in so I had some with the coffee. It was so good to have them again. The meeting went well. She was interested in suicidology and I told her about my research stuff. We went over my paper and it’s all review so I can look at different things. We briefly talked about the build a brain and I looked it up on the website and my heart sank. I have to come up with more than a few structures of the brain, like 50 or so. I am overwhelmed. My niece is going to help me.

I had another cup of coffee and something to eat and then I got dressed because I had to go to the bank for a banking issue. I got there and seems like nope, I just had to do it on the browser not the app. Well that would have been fucking dandy had they explained that on the website or mobile device! I wasted my energy (spoons) doing this. I was so mad. I wanted something sweet but there was really no place I could go and I really didn’t know what I wanted. I just went home and made the bus which was almost pulling out of the station.

I replaced the new headphones that I lost/misplaced. They came this morning. Thank you amazon. I had music while I went out. I have been listening to ALL my music rather than one artist or a group of artists. It’s been nice because there has been music I haven’t heard in years. I miss hearing Gary Allen and Garth Brooks. I came home and I was a sweaty mess. I had another cup of coffee. I plan on having the last of the Shepard’s pie for supper. I need to finish the chapter in my textbook and read the discussion article today.

I am tired and got another headache brewing. I got a ton of pressure in my head right now. I don’t know if it will be a headache or a migraine. I still have just one migraine pill left until Monday when I can refill it. I just sent all my refills for my meds today. I was out of refills on one of my meds so had to send it to my doc for it. I should be able to get them tomorrow or Friday. Friday I need to go to social security. I need to get my ass up early and go. I will bring my book with me so I can read while I wait. I see my DMH worker who is up the street from the office. I just hope it is a nice day and doesn’t rain. Today is nice. It’s cool but not cold. I can still wear short sleeves but I can’t wear shorts. It’s a little too cool for it. It’s nice fall weather. I love it.

Class was canceled today

I woke up early today and was able to shower and shave. I had one or two cups of coffee. I don’t remember. I left early for class only to get there and find out class was canceled because the professor had a medical emergency. So I went home. I got my meds and some ice cream. I think I will have it with my shepard’s pie for dinner.

I came home and I was tired. I took a nap for a couple of hours. I need to finish the notes in class and then I can finish reading the book. I started it last night and read about an hour until I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and read some more. I am about halfway through the chapter. Tomorrow I meet with the professor. I am kind of nervous as I have no idea how I plan on writing the final paper. I have some idea but I don’t know what she is looking for.

After the meeting, I need to go to the bank to add my sister’s account to my account. I had it before but then they changed the website and mobile app and I lost the information. I wish I could do it over the phone but it’s sensitive information so needs to be done in person. I hope having it on a sheet a paper is going to be ok as my sister doesn’t have a check or deposit slip for this account.

I lost my bluetooth headset. I know I came home with it Thurs but I don’t know what I did with it when I came home and took it off. I looked all the places it could be. I checked the area around my bed, on my bed, my bag, my pants. It’s no where. I am so mad. I left the house silent and I hated it. I ordered another set.

My headache was gone but after I woke up from my nap, it is back. Today was the last day of the steroids. I am hoping it is because I haven’t had anything to eat in a few hours. I had something to eat around noon at Starbucks. It’s almost six now. There is an American Foundation of Suicide Prevention talk going on in a few minutes. I was thinking of attending but my head just exploded. I have been bad about hydrating the past few days. I am just going to focus on my schoolwork. That is more important to me right now. I am going to have something to eat and then get to it.

Failing to get moving today

I woke up before my med alarm to pee. I checked my messages and my professor canceled our meeting. There was a glitch in her calendar system. She doesn’t have office hours today, only on Weds. So I scheduled it then. It’s in the morning so I hope I am up. I rested the morning away and didn’t get up till the afternoon. I didn’t sleep most of the night for some reason. I just laid there with my thoughts.

I checked the syllabus after I had a couple cups of coffee. I have to read chapter 19. The Sox season is basically over so I just plan on reading tonight. There is only one week left in the season. There is another discussion for the week. I will do that on Wed.

My headache is gone, finally. I feel better, just feel wicked tired. I wanted to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds but I have no energy to go out. I will pick it up tomorrow after class. I finally had something to eat today. I didn’t eat yesterday. I wasn’t hungry. I just had two cups of coffee and that was it. It is cold today and I had to shut off the ceiling fan. It’s very windy out. Fall is here, finally.

My mood kind of sucks. I have been wicked depressed with all these headaches/migraines. It’s been very debilitating. I haven’t left the house since Thursday. My pcp wants me to get out of the house more. She thinks I have become deconditioned and that is why I become short of breath sometimes. It’s hard to leave the house when you’re depressed and have a headache. I need to shower and shave today. Also need to brush my teeth. I just don’t feel like doing any of it. I will brush my teeth the next time I use the bathroom. I hate feeling tired all the time. I have no energy to do anything.

It’s nearly the end of the month. I am patiently waiting for the therapy place to call me. I have a feeling they won’t though. Maybe next month. I hope it’s not longer than that. It’s been four months I have been without a therapist. I have been struggling all this month. I am glad I have my DMH worker to help support me. It’s been hard coping when you don’t have a therapist to guide you along.

Coming undone

I am on day 6 with headaches/migraine. I couldn’t sleep last night. I woke up to pee and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I read for a bit. Tomorrow I am going to extend the due date as I don’t think I am going to be finished with the book by Wed. All I did was pee all morning. I was kind of thirsty and I had wicked heartburn. So my head and stomach were keeping me up.

I got up around 230pm. I had a couple cups of coffee. I don’t feel like eating. I got no appetite today. I made shepard’s pie last night and ate a lot of it, hence the heartburn. Every time I overeat, I get heartburn in the middle of the night. I feel like shit today. All sound annoys me and I swear all the sirens are going by my house today. I started steroids on Friday. I continue with it till Tues. It’s helping with the severity of the headaches. I am trying not to take anything for it to avoid rebound headaches. Last night I had to take Tylenol. It worked for a few hours, enough to let me sleep. I did some schoolwork during the night. Or maybe I did it before I slept. I don’t remember. I added the limbic system to my slide and drew a brain for my build a brain project. I don’t know if I have to create a paragraph for it or not. I meet with the professor tomorrow afternoon. I will also go over the final research paper.

I have a busy week, between classes and seeing my DMH worker. I also need to go to the bank and social security. I also need to pick up my meds. I still need to do my med boxes for the week.