Category: depression

Monday melancholy

I woke up well before 7am. I don’t know the time because I didn’t look at my phone. I woke up from a weird dream that was like being in Criminal Minds or something. I was following a serial killer. Weird man. I got up around 730 because I had to pee. Sister was in the bathroom so I had to go downstairs. I am grateful and my bladder is too. I couldn’t go back to sleep so stayed up. My therapist texted me while I was downstairs. She had transportation issues so wouldn’t be in the office but would be keeping appointments virtually. I was sad because I wanted to get arancini and chicken pot pie from the Italian place. I will have to get it next week.

I took my meds and then had a couple cups of coffee. I wanted to go to the Square and pick up my meds. For some reason, I can’t get none of them delivered. It’s pick up only. I wanted Starbucks so tried to brush my teeth and go but by the time I looked at the clock it was 11 and there wasn’t enough time to come back for my appointment. So I will go tomorrow. I will go to campus to get my books and then the pharmacy on the way home.

Therapy went well. I told her I was afraid of overwhelming her as I seem to be dumping on her and she said it is ok. She will tell me if she is overwhelmed. I told her about Shneidman and his works. She is open to reading the chapters in Suicidal Mind. She never heard about caring contacts before so I explained what it was. I didn’t tell her I was an autodidact suicidologist. Maybe next week.

After therapy, I checked the bus schedule and the next bus was in like 40 mins. It’s bitterly cold out so decided to stay in. I ordered lunch as I didn’t feel like cooking. I got the damn sniffles today and it’s annoying me. I hope I am not getting sick. My sister has a cold and sounds terrible. It’s supposed to be cold tomorrow so I plan on wearing a mask. I just hope I can breathe. I’ve become so out of breath while walking lately it’s not funny. I don’t see my pcp until next week. Not like she is going to do anything except say increase my activity levels.

I’ve been feeling down most of the day. I really wanted a Starbucks drink. I will get it tomorrow. I could have ordered it but last time it was so damn expensive, I didn’t feel like splurging. I hate that I can’t use my Starbucks card on their app for delivery. So stupid.

Since I started therapy with new therapist, I came to a realization that since my mother died, I feel cut off. Like I know I’m still suicidal at times but it’s not like it was before. I cpuld still go through with it but I don’t want to,  which is a change in my thinking.  I can’t explain it. I’ve gone from years of being suicidal to feeling nothing. Sometimes it feels empty or numb.  But most times it’s nothing. I feel sad at times and depressed. My energy is always so low. I have no motivation to do things. I don’t know if this is grief.

I started this Dec 29th. I meant to finish it but forgot. I decided to listen to Lonestar today as I was feeling down and the second song after they played was Rascal Flatts what hurts the most. Fuck it brought up so many feelings and psychache was so deep. I couldn’t breathe. After a few minutes, I felt like killing myself. I thought about the pills and what the fucks. I used a DBT skill. I don’t know the name of it but you sit with the feeling until it passes. By the time Lonestar played again with their 9/11 song I’m already there i was crying. Then my niece’s song by Kenny Chesney came on. Omg the feelings.

I got up and did my meds. Drank some water. I took some stuff off my bed. I checked off the meds from my list. Now I just need to pull myself together to shower. I ordered dinner because fuck today is a hard day. I wasn’t going to order anything today but the hell with it. I don’t feel like cooking. I got a sandwich and soup from Panera. I haven’t ordered from there before but their soups are good. There used to be one I went to when I had a car. It’s kind of expensive but worth it.

A member of my transgender group is in Boston tonight. I might meet up with her if this headache goes away. I just hope Temps don’t go down too much.

Saturday Blog 04012025

Today is my niece’s birthday but I couldn’t get up. I had such a headache. All night I was having dreams and each time I woke up, I had a headache that hurt more than the last one. I stayed in bed until I wanted some coffee. I had just one cup as I ordered lunch. I didn’t feel like cooking.

I feel like shit today and don’t want to do anything. I attempted to clear my bed off, just half of it. I am putting things away as I go. Maybe by the middle of the week I can wash my bedding. That is the goal for the week. Monday I will be out. I might be out Tues depending on if I go to campus or not. I have to do a test run and see how far a walk the building class is from the shuttle stop is and where the classroom is. The building doesn’t have linear numbers. They just have scattered numbers for their classrooms. I have yet to figure out the order so I know I will be going around in circles trying to find this room. I know it’s on the first floor so that is good.

I am feeling so tired. I might have a cup of tea. I just want to drink something hot.

I woke up around 4am and couldn’t go back to sleep. Today was payday so I paid my bills and ordered stuff I needed. I wanted to go to campus to get my books but think I’ll do that on Mon. I ordered my textbook. There is just one and it comes in two formats. Still cost a lot. I have to get the vocabulary thing in person as it wasn’t on the order page. I had one cup of coffee. Around 11 my DMH worker called me to check in. I was resting. We talked for a bit and i felt better afterwards. I still took a nap, for two hours. I woke up to a weird noise in the house.

I got up and didn’t want to do a damn thing. I haven’t shaved or brushed my teeth yet. I had to get my meds. I checked the messages on my phone and got dressed. I picked up my meds and as today was trash day, I put back the bins. I walked up and down the driveway three times and became wicked out of breath. I’m still wheezing. I drank some water and tried to not freak out. I hate being out of breath. It was cold and windy so I think that is why I am wheezing. I see my pcp in two weeks, well more like a little more than a week. Hope she has some suggestions. My weight is up but not as bad as I was expecting. I’ve been overeating lately.

I made another cup of coffee and ordered a salad with steak tips. Tomorrow is my niece’s birthday and we are going out for breakfast. I looked at the menu and they don’t have too many breakfast choices. Mostly have burgers. Idk. Hopefully it will be good. I’ve never been there before.

Tonight I’m going to finish Suicidal Mind so tomorrow I can start Finlay Donovan. I will have just a week to read it as it’s due the 13th. It might be a while till I get to the 4th book.