Category: depression

Still struggling

I am still struggling with ADLs. I feel so down. I realized that since my birthday, I have only had one shower. It’s just so hard. Today I wanted to do it. I needed to groom as well. I hate when my hair downstairs is long as it just smells after a while which doesn’t help my shower issues. I managed to do this and brush my teeth. I was exhausted and out of breath.

I was having a hard time sleeping. I kept waking up from dreaming every few hours and then would have a hard time going back to sleep. I woke up around midnight and was able to get back to sleep. I slept really well so when I woke up I thought it was close to 5 or 6 and it was 230. I was pissed. I woke up from a weird dream. I dreamt about my mother a few times. I was supposed to see my friend but every time I woke up, I had a screaming headache. I have no idea what happened to my bottle of ibuprofen. It fell and rolled under my bed.

I texted my DMH worker but she hasn’t responded. I haven’t eaten anything all day. I think I am going to make the dino nuggets I bought the other day with some tater tots. I am not really hungry though. I had two cups of coffee. My headache is still there. I am glad the sun has gone down. It was wicked bright today which didn’t help my head. I think my vision has changed as I keep having to adjust my head to see things on my laptop. The middle part of my glasses is blurred, which is supposed to be for the computer. I hope there isn’t a lot of PDFs for me to read next semester. This semester hurt my head adjusting it so often and made me tired. Semester starts the last week in Jan. I see the sleep specialist this month. It’s at 8am. It’s on zoom so I don’t have to leave the house. Thank god because the office is on the opposite side of the hospital. I would need many breaks to walk through the hospital to get there. I also see my pcp and psychiatrist the same week.

I am glad I am seeing a therapist finally but I keep dumping on her. Basically been telling her all the details from 2022 till today. She is better than my other therapist that just wanted to problem solve every single session. She acknowledges my struggles and validates me, something the other therapist never did. I see her Mon. I am going to get rice balls again. They are so good. They also have like a chicken pot pie dish that I have been meaning to try. Their food is so good. And I am going to get their Nutella biscuits.

New Year’s Day 2025

Today feels like a Sunday. I haven’t done a damn thing. Last night I took the last of my recycle bags out. I never did brush my teeth though. I did today. I had coffee. I’ve been up since 10. I woke up around 6 to pee and to take my meds as I had wicked heartburn. I managed to go back to sleep and have weird dreams. I woke up sweating. I’ve been wanting to read all day but haven’t managed it yet. The day feels so off.

My sister made a pizza thing out of phyllo dough. It was greasy but ok. My stomach is hurting and I still feel hungry. I only had two pieces. I really wanted to make my dino nuggets and tater tots. I might have them tomorrow.

It’s cold in my room though it’s like in the 40s outside. I had to put on a long sleeve shirt. I might have to put socks on. My feet are so cold.

Today the OSU football is playing in the Rose Bowl. I am trying to get it on the radio using the app. I am not sure I got the right station. I haven’t watched a game all season. And ESPN isn’t letting me watch it even though I logged in. fuckers. I don’t have cable anymore so I can’t watch it on TV. I miss watching my college football games.

Brain fog and migraine

I woke up early but I don’t know what time I was up because I didn’t look at my phone. I heard my sister leave her room and couldn’t go back to sleep. I got up with a little headache which I thought coffee would take care of. I had two cups and then went to my room. I had therapy soon.

Therapy went well. I like this therapist. She is younger than I am but that is ok. She told me to rest before school starts again and that it is ok if I don’t do anything. Small steps will lead to bigger ones as the saying goes. I needed to go out today for more half and half and after therapy, I just couldn’t do it. About an hour later, I got a migraine. I took my meds and had something to eat. I had to lie down afterwards. I must have been resting for at least twenty minutes and then I had a damn anxiety attack. I tried blowing it off. Ignoring it, telling myself there’s nothing to be panicked about. I was fine but my nerves got the better of me and I had to take an Ativan. The migraine was almost gone and now I just have brain fog. I feel so damn tired. My stomach feels like a rock. I don’t know why.

I wanted to read and I might if this fog goes away. I started reading “the suicidal mind”. It is one of my favorite books. I don’t know where my copy was, so I bought a new one, used and it has things underlines throughout the book. Oh well. My head feels so damn heavy. I hope I sleep tonight and don’t have strange dreams. I keep forgetting to think of being in a safe place before going to sleep so at least my dreams are somewhat better.