Category: depression

Saturday Blog 04052024

I had my meeting with my DMH case worker yesterday. I was so tired afterwards. I came home and just crashed. I didn’t eat or drink anything other than the cup of coffee before I left. I didn’t get up till this morning. I have been feeling kind of shitty the past few days. I still haven’t eaten anything today. I think I am going to make a Shepard’s pie if I have it.

Grades finally came in and I have a B average. I am so happy about this. I am still not sure if I am going to take the final or not. I might just to see if I can improve my grade some. I am going to study a lot this weekend so I can get a good grade. The material is fairly easy but knowing the different theories of emotion has me all confused. They are similar but different.

I’m listening to Tortured Poets again. One of her songs was stuck in my head again. I love this album so much. I don’t know what my favorite song is. There have been at least three songs I have put on repeat. Florida!!! Is my one of them. The beat of this song is so cool. And the lyrics are awesome.

I just had something to eat and I want to take a nap. I am trying to resist. I am listening to the game now. They are tied at 1 in the 5^th. I don’t know why I am so tired. I slept good. I have to try and force fluids today as I have the runs again. I didn’t go for like three days and then today it’s flowing. I think the new magnesium pill I am taking is the culprit. But if I don’t take the mag, I get really bad cramps in my feet.

I am so excited that I now have time to read. I started Norse Mythology again but haven’t gotten into it because I had other reading to do. Now that the semester is winding down, I can read it. I bought a bunch of books and really can’t wait to read them. If the weather is good tomorrow, I might go to Starbucks and read for a bit. I haven’t been to Starbucks in more than a week. I miss having espresso.

Feel like shit today

I woke up in the middle of the night again to pee and it took a while to get back to sleep. Then I woke up a few hours later to pee again. It was around 730 so I took my meds and went back to sleep. I don’t know what happened but when my med alarm went off at 10, I felt like absolute shit and had a bad hangover. I got my migraine med and brought it up to my room to bring it to room temp before injecting it. My sister called me around noon and I reluctantly got up. I wasn’t going to go to class. It was too late and I wasn’t in the mood to “fly”. I had some coffee and I wanted McD’s.

I responded to my therapist’s question but haven’t had a response yet. I struggled to stay awake for most of the day and then around 3 I gave up. I rested until around 1830. I had some ice cream and now my teeth hurt from the cold. I got a cold sore on my lip that hurts. I finally got some medicine for it. It is helping to ease the pain. It sucks I can’t drink while the medicine is on because I tend to wipe it off. I have been feeling so off today. The nap helped. I woke up to it pouring out. There was some thunderstorms in the area but I didn’t hear it.

Sox lost today. It was a day game so I was expecting it. I am glad they played when they did or they might have had a rain postponement. Now they will be in Minnesota and it will be late game times. I have my night free so I think I am going to re-read chapter 10. I wanted to do it this afternoon but I took a nap instead. I managed a shave and a shower today. I think that is why I needed a nap afterwards. I was hoping the shower would get rid of the shittiness but it didn’t. I had fleeting thoughts of suicidality today. I wanted to text my therapist but thought better of it.

I haven’t quite decided how I will get to my appointment tomorrow. I can take a cab or I can take the T and walk there. I will decide tomorrow. Sucks because either way, I can’t have Starbucks.

Day of studying

I had interrupted sleep and wanted to sleep later but workers came to do stuff around the house and they were fucking loud. I got up around 10. I took my shot as today was T day. Tomorrow will be my migraine med. I hate that shot more than my T because it hurts while injecting.

I had no idea what to eat so I ordered something I haven’t had in a while. I wanted to do my school work in my room but by the time I finished lunch, the workers had decided to work on my side of the house and I couldn’t concentrate. I went down to the kitchen where it was somewhat more quieter. I did the two chapters. It took me nearly two hours to do. There was a lot of words with lengthy definitions. I hope I remember them all. The prof has posted keys to exams and quizzes. I will go over them this weekend. He still hasn’t posted grades for exam 3 yet. I am anxiously waiting for it as I decide to take the final or not. It is optional. It will either improve my grade or keep it the same. I emailed the prof to see if my grade is what I think it is (B-). I have extra credit so I am hoping to at least get up to a B but it all depends on exam 3 grades. Exam 4 is next week. I don’t know if grades will be posted before the final.

I had sent a message to my therapist saying I was in therapy because of chronic depression. She then asked what did I want to do about it as I had “options”. I am so tired of this narrative. Like, every other month she asks what am I doing in therapy. I am tired. I feel like I shouldn’t have to justify why I need it. Makes me want to cancel our appointment and just not make a new one. I see my new case manager Friday. Maybe she can help me with therapy. I am kind of stressed to the point where I am thinking about ending things again and nothing really triggered it. I just had a vague thought and it morphed into why the fuck not. I don’t feel like I am good enough. I know my therapist triggers my PTSD at times. And I really think she doesn’t understand trauma at all.

I wanted to shower today but never got around to it. I ate ice cream for my dinner. I hope to shower tomorrow before I leave for class. I won’t be able to shave unless I get up early. Getting up when my med alarm goes off at 9 has been a challenge. I tried formatting my book today and found that 60 pages are gone. Ugh. I am not sure how the book looks. I got to go through it, page by page to see how the format took. I might be able to add in a few pages but not 60. I feel defeated as I worked so hard on this and it isn’t even 100 pages long. I will go through it this weekend. I need to concentrate on my exam and potentially my final.