Category: depression

Semester winding down

I went to class today. There are just two more left for the semester. I saw NP this morning for my chest pain. X-ray showed some calcification and I waiting to see if that is why I am in pain. I didn’t take any pain meds this morning before leaving the house. I didn’t even have coffee because I got up late. The Starbucks by my pcp’s office is still under renovations so I had Dunkin coffee which was not that good. I didn’t even finish it.

I was starving when I got out of class so ordered some pizza. It was okay. I’ve had better. I am wicked tired. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I used the bathroom around 2 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I read my psych textbook and then was able to get back to sleep. I thought about staying up but I knew around 7ish I would feel tired. I woke up again before 9 to pee. I think I might have a UTI as the urge has been wicked strong. Part of the reason I lost control of my bladder the other day was because I just couldn’t hold it anymore. I really tried. Now I am having symptoms and I hate it. I had to use my sister’s bathroom last night and this morning because someone was in the bathroom when I had to go. I didn’t want to pee my pants again so I went downstairs.

I had therapy yesterday and I am still thinking about why I am in therapy. I have been with the same therapist for almost five years. Some days, therapy goes ok and other days I wonder why I am in it. I know I probably need a different therapist as mine is just not helpful. But then I think, what if I run into the same issue with another therapist? What then?

Game will start in about fifteen minutes. I will listen along and hope I can stay awake. I need to take my night meds soon. I am planning on finishing up studying for psych tomorrow. Not sure if I will go to Starbucks or not. Depends on what time I get up. I have been having a hard time getting up before 10am most days. This needs to change of there is no way I am going to be able to make my 11am class in the fall. I am not a morning person. It’s going to be difficult. I just tried to get it from the app and it has another program on. I can either turn on the radio and listen or just follow along for highlights…

I got a call from DMH today. I finally have a case worker. I meet with her on Friday. She sounds okay. Maybe she can help me sort out my therapy situation. I kind of lost the reason why I am going other than I need to but the why isn’t clear to me. Stupid pharmacy put in a refill on my sleep meds when I didn’t need it. My psychiatrist ended up giving me a 90 day supply. I canceled the order. I don’t need 90 day supply. I still have 20+ tablets left from what he gave me last month. I haven’t taken any in a week or two because my sleep has been somewhat better. I am going to sleep but just having a hard time staying asleep.

I had therapy today. I really didn’t have much to talk about. I told her I faced my fear of crowds by going to the game by myself Sat. I had fun. She was happy my anxiety didn’t interfere. She wanted me to talk about it but there was really not much to talk about. Then near the end she asked why I was in therapy. I hate this question. I never have a good answer. She said that there had to be something more than talking. She always wants me to do something more than what I am doing.

After therapy, I ordered lunch. I didn’t like it. I ordered roast beef and it was so rare, I thought it was still mooing. The onion rings were good with the James River BBQ sauce. I wanted to read after but I got sleepy so made a coffee. There are only 3 classes left in the semester. I don’t know if there will be a quiz or not. I really need to read.

I’ve been sleeping most of the day. Yesterday took a lot out of me and my legs are pretty sore. I pretty much stood for about an hour and it killed me. I also lost control of my bladder on the way home. I had to pee bad and couldn’t hold it. The train was so slow in getting me home. I should have gotten off at the hospital and used the bathroom but I didn’t think I would make it.

Sox are playing and are leading right now. I hope my being at Fenway broke the curse. I had so much fun and was sad when the last out was called. I didn’t want to leave the park. I am glad I went. I went by myself and it was good. I thought I was going to have a panic attack with the crowds on the way home but I did ok. There was some panic as the train stopped in between stations and my legs needed a break. It was so awful.

I got a major toothache going on right now. I don’t know why. Might have been the ice cream I ate. I had a turkey sandwich. It was all I wanted. I had 2 Fenway franks yesterday. It was so good. The only sad thing was they had to confiscate my pen knife because it wasn’t allowed. Now I need to buy a new one.

Taylor merch made my day

I finally got Taylor’s new CD yesterday and I opened it today. I thought it was a double album but it wasn’t but I got merch inside it! There were some cards, a patch, a magnet I think, and a gold plated bookmark, which I love. All are embossed with Black Dog. It made my day getting these things.

I woke up early today, before 9. I decided to stay up because I had my grocery delivery coming, or at least, I thought it would. I got a call around 1230 saying that they are sorry but they can’t make it at the time I requested can they come a half hour later. I said ok. The driver came at like 240. He took forever to get my things out of the truck. I was not happy. I got my turkey and after I put things away, I made a sandwich. For some reason, it bothered my stomach. It feels like I had a huge meal but I didn’t.

I’ve been playing Tortured Poets since I got it. I love this album. There are some songs I really like. It is cool today and I had to switch to PJs because wind is blowing, making my room cold. I was wearing shorts before. I love the new PJs I got. They are nice and soft. I need to take a shower today and I think I will in about an hour. Tomorrow I am going for my haircut and then going to the game. I am so excited. I am going to have Fenway Franks at Fenway. It is supposed to be in the 60s tomorrow but with wind, it might be cooler. I plan on wearing a sweatshirt and taking my other long sleeve shirt with me just in case I am cold during the game.