Category: depression

About anger

I had texted my therapist last night that I wanted to cancel. She texted me back with some questions. I responded this morning with I don’t know what to work on or need and she responded with bullshit. See you at noon. I was so angry. I was already angry to begin with but this just pissed me off. So I decided to keep the appointment and talk about anger. Everything has been making me angry. I am mad at my sister for losing my charger to my trimmer. I am mad that I had to withdraw from class and not sure if I will be penalized for it in the fall. I am mad the contractors fucked up my porch and is taking forever to get this work that started in December finished. I just want to pound something or go off on someone. It was raining today so no workers came. It has been nice Mon and Tues and no one showed. Assholes. I realized while talking to my therapist I am still angry at my mother and the grief she caused. Over the weekend I saw a note I made a day before I overdosed in Aug. It was about her saying that she will always call me daughter and never son. It hurt. It still hurts and it’s been more than a year. I will never know if she truly saw me as her son as she was dying or if it was a false thing because her mind was gone.

After therapy I tried studying for a bit. I am going over exam and quiz keys. I am hoping to have our exam from yesterday posted soon. If I did ok, I might not need to take the final. I am happy with a B right now.

I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. I think I will before bed. I took a brief nap for a bit but I still feel sleepy. I had an okay night sleeping. I listened until the last out of the game. The Sox lost. I think I need to go on the road with them. Trouble is, I don’t have the money for hotels and stuff. It would be cool to go to the different ballparks. It has been a dream of mine, maybe a bucketlist one.

My proof came. I am going to go through it later. I haven’t decided if I am going to read it or just go through the pages to make sure it looks ok. My last book had a blank page in the middle of the book between chapters so I want to make sure that doesn’t happen again.

I have had sinus pressure today that is off the hook. I have been sneezing and stuffy. I hate allergies. I also been having an urgent bladder which sometimes results in leaking. I reached out to my doc to see of I can get a test for it. It’s been going on for about two weeks now. I thought it would have settled down by now but it hasn’t. I have no other symptoms but I hate wetting my pants every now and then because I don’t make it to the bathroom in time. If someone is in the bathroom, I can’t wait it out. I have to go downstairs to my sister’s. It’s a pain. I’m grateful to have the extra bathroom use though. Has saved me more than a few times.

Semester is over

Today was the last day of class but I had an exam today. I didn’t know the fucking red line was going to have shuttle busses south of Boston. I had to take a shuttle bus to the station and then take the university shuttle to campus. I was a few minutes late to class but still had plenty of time to take the exam. I was done in like 20 mins or so. It was so easy and some of the questions were from the assessments that we took so I knew the right answer. I hope I did well on it and grades come in by the end of the week so I can make a decision about taking the final or not. I plan on studying tomorrow and rest of the week.

I couldn’t stand my stink last night so took a shower and then put deodorant on. I was bored after my shower. But my allergies were out of control so I took a Benadryl after I took some Ativan because my back was cramping so bad after the shower. I was pretty much toast by 9pm. I did wake up a little after midnight to pee but was able to get back to sleep. I got up around 1040. I had one cup of coffee and then I left. I left at a later time and wish I didn’t because of the shuttle situation. I was stressing out big time about it.

I wanted Taco Bell for dinner so I ordered my gorditas. They were so good. I just took the Latuda because I had a good amount of calories. If it makes me sleepy, oh well. I asked my pcp for a muscle relaxant. She is sending one to the pharmacy. I hope it helps these stupid cramps. Sox are on tonight. They are playing Atlanta Braves. I don’t know how the Braves have been doing. But it doesn’t matter as the Sox will do the opposite of how well or poor they are.

I ordered my proof. It should hopefully come in by Thursday. If all looks good, I might publish Friday or the weekend. I don’t know yet. I am really nervous about it because I really didn’t change the tenses while editing it because it was hard to find where they were. I am still mad at the editor for not doing the work for me. That was the whole point in hiring her. Lesson learned.

I have therapy tomorrow. I wrote down some stuff to talk about. I don’t know if it will be enough for the whole session but we’ll see. I took an Ativan because cramps were bad and now I feel sleepy. I might lay down for a bit. Game is on in like an hour. I will rest until then. Hope I don’t fall asleep or I will be up at 2am again.

Book Announcement III

I did some editing yesterday so today I moved forward to get the paperback published before the eBook became available. Unfortunately, I am not happy I can’t have the transgender flag as the cover of my book because Amazon needs a pdf not a jpg and I don’t know how to manipulate the image to make it right. I picked a boring cover. I am waiting for the proof email and if all looks good, I will publish hopefully the end of the week, if I get the proof within the next few days. I will publish the link in a separate blog post when live.

It was warm today but I didn’t go out. I went outside though. I sat on my front porch and studied. I really hope I can remember all these words by tomorrow. I have been working on it all weekend. I have been going over the quizzes and tests keys that the professor posted. He put up a couple more today. I have an 85 average. I am so happy. I am still on the fence as to whether I will take the final.

My sleep was disrupted again last night. I woke up around 0230 to pee and had a wicked hard time getting back to sleep. I read a chapter of Norse Mythology. I had a headache so I took some Tylenol. I finally fell back to sleep around 6. I wanted to get up at 10 but I didn’t. I got up around 1230. I had coffee and leftover pizza. Not sure what I am going to have for dinner. Might be a turkey frozen dinner. I wanted to go to the grocery store today but never made it out. I might go tomorrow after my exam. I can’t believe the semester is over.

I need to shower today. I smell. And I don’t remember the last time I showered. I shaved my head today and it felt so good. My replacement trimmer is on its way. My stupid sister lost the charger for my new trimmer. Luckily, the price came down so I was able to buy another one. Now I have two trimmers. I have to try and get more fluids in me. My sides have been cramping so bad lately. I’ve been taking everything I can that would help but it doesn’t seem to be helping. I still have the pain in my chest.