back to therapy and other things

Back to therapy and other things

I had a rough night sleeping because of pain. I woke up a few times, which I didn’t like as it took me a while to get back to sleep. My med alarm went off at 0845 and I didn’t want to wake up after I shut the damn thing off. I took my meds and some how the new med didn’t go down. I choked on it and it was nasty. I played with my phone for a bit. It was cold and snowing but it didn’t appear to be sticking, which was good. By the time I decided to make something to eat, the snow had stopped.

My mother was in the kitchen, waiting for the visiting nurse to see her. I made an egg Mcmuffin. After I finished eating, I decided to make coffee as I was feeling out of it. I got up and a wave of dizziness hit me. I had to hold on to the chair to keep myself from falling down. I turned the water on the kettle and sat back down. I broke out in a cold sweat and didn’t feel good at all. The dizziness went away but I was still feeling queasy. I made my coffee and drank it in the kitchen. I used the last of my Hawaiian coffee. It was good, though I spilled coffee again. I think the lid must not be on right or something.

I went upstairs to my room and laid down. I set my alarm so I didn’t go into a deep sleep. It was only for an hour and a half or so. The alarm went off and I didn’t want to get up or move. I felt a little better than I did. I stayed in bed for another half hour and then got dressed. The temp was supposed to get up to 23 but it never did. Think the highest it went up was 19. I left for the bus stop and the bus came within 9 minutes, a record. I was still debating on what to get at Starbucks. I walked in and found a chair. I decided on a mocha and a doughnut. I brought my own mug as I am trying to go green this year. The mocha I had with whole milk as their 2% sometimes upsets my stomach for some reason. I had no problems. I wrote in my journal until around 1500 or so. I had to catch the train to my therapist’s office. Today the trains and buses were on Saturday schedule.

I walked to my therapist’s office and then waited. I had 20 minutes to spare. I washed out my mug and then played with my phone. He called me in and we talked. He said he had to change our schedule to an earlier time. I said that was fine. There were a few Mondays that I had a conflict with but other than that, we were good. I gave him an update as it has been a month since I saw him. I told him about my family’s history of how the fight between my father and my mother’s mother prevented me from knowing my mother’s side till I was 13. I still have resentment that other than a few cousins, no one made an effort to keep in touch other than my mother’s youngest sister. I consider her and her kids my family. I slowly incorporated a few others as I grew to know these family members that suddenly emerged into my life. Trust was something that was hard to do. I had my father telling me they were “bad people”. I would judge for myself who was “bad” and who to trust in time.

After session, the dizziness started again and got worse by the time I reached the train station. I held on to the cold railing as I descended down the stairs. I was scared I was going to collapse on them. I made it and the train was there. Unfortunately, there was a train delay due to fire department activity at the next station. I waited patiently and hoped I wouldn’t pass out. The train got moving and when I got near my stop, I texted my sister to pick me up as I was not sure about the bus schedule. I wasn’t going to take the new med anymore.

After I had dinner and cleaned up a bit, I emailed the neurologist and told him my side effects were too severe and I wasn’t taking the med any more. My therapist had sent me the money I gave him and I got RAM for my laptop. My laptop was slow as shit as I had like 5 tabs open on Exlorer. I had to go to the Dell website to make sure I was buying the right RAM. I wanted to get 8GB but the site I went to had two kinds and I wasn’t sure which one was right. I saved the PDF so I didn’t have to log into Dell again. I will get the RAM by the end of the month as shipping was free.

I went downstairs and turned the heat up. It was freezing in my room. I don’t mind being cold but when my nose is cold, I need the heat. Tomorrow is my uncle’s wake. I don’t have dress or casual clothes that fit me because I gained 10 pounds so I will just wear jeans and a button down shirt. I have no idea what happened to my long sleeved button down shirts are. I just seem to have dress shirts, which are kind of tight on me due to the things on my chest. I can’t wait till I get these suckers off. They are so annoying me.

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G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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